tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76557773704226599582024-03-08T16:26:38.176-05:00You can call me JAG...Though my actual name is Jean Ann Garrish (I've found that JAG is just easier for a barista to spell correctly).
These are my Confessions of a Storyteller, a Performer, and a Woman. Journaling to help myself, and others, in a place where I can laugh at myself (before everybody else does)! Enjoy!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-26824294700987567712016-11-04T01:35:00.001-04:002016-11-04T01:35:52.996-04:00WORDS MATTER!WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE.<br />
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Wetbacks. Wops. Micks. Guineas. Japs. Towelheads. Greaseballs. Chinks. Should I continue? I can. I mean the list goes on, and on, and on, but I don't want to. Did you know there's actually an entire wikipedia page that lists ethnic slurs? I didn't, until I googled it. When I visited the site, I was happy to learn that I had not heard of most of them, but that's about all I felt happy about. And I was so uncomfortable typing the ones above, I made sure to include more of the ones my own ethnicity would have been called. Correction, would be called. <u>Present tense</u>. Because we are in a new time. It appears that we no longer only hear these words said by our old racist uncle during Thanksgiving, but they are now rampant on social media, and at political rallies, in our schools, and in our neighborhoods. The floodgates have been opened, my friends. Welcome to America, 2016. Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, and the Divided.<br />
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I really don't want to get into politics here. I think we've had just about enough. Full disclosure, I'm a registered Independent that leans left, pretty far left. As an 18 year old, I didn't want to register with one party because I wholeheartedly believed in voting for the best man (or woman) for the job. I also think I didn't want to freak out my conservative family. But I knew then, just as I know it now, I'm a liberal. I've actually voted for a Republican (though I regretted it), but I would do it again if I felt he (or she) was the best person for the job.<br />
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And I'm not here to alienate my conservative friends, quite the opposite, because all sides have been guilty of the name calling (and that's putting it nicely). I know politics is a dirty game, but we have forgotten how to be neighbors, because we've forgotten we are neighbors. We have forgotten that ALL of us have been created EQUAL, not just the people that we agree with, not only the people that share our skin color, or our sexual orientation, or our religion. And I'm not here to sit on my high horse, because this election has brought out the worst in me as well. But the one positive thing it has brought out is the knowledge that we have a real problem in this country. And it's a positive because you can't find a cure, if you don't know you're sick. We're sick. We are better than this, we can change this, there's still hope. But the time is now to start looking for a cure.<br />
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On November 8th, we'll have elected a new President, but regardless of who that is, the one thing that won't change on November 9th is the fact that we are a divided people. I know so many people are angry that we have become a politically correct society. Well, this election has all but killed that concept. I have an awful feeling the slur words above (and more from that Wikipedia page) as well as misogynistic terms that are so easily thrown around (and dismissed as 'locker room talk') will continue, and used even more freely. What has happened to the word KINDNESS? What has happened to the word EQUALITY? What has happened to LOVE?<br />
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So why am I writing this? Well, I like to believe I have a few talents (though some of you might disagree, and I know who some of you are). And I'd like to use them to make this world a better place, if I can. I know some will call me a bleeding heart, an idealist, and they'll mean it as an insult. Sorry, I take it as a compliment. Because if I learned anything from all those years of Catholic school, it's that we should "love one another". That means EVERYONE. Especially the people that we want to punch in the face (it's fucking HARD, I know). Don't like it? Take it up with Jesus. So, I wrote a song as response to the hateful words I've been hearing. I wrote this song as a response to the way we are treating one another. And I wrote this song to spread some joy. Warning, it contains some words that I can actually get behind, expletives. I hope it makes you laugh. I hope it spreads some light. And I hope it makes one person think before they use their words to injure. Because words matter.<br />
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30% of <a href="http://itunes.apple.com/album/id1169652187?ls=1&app=itunes" target="_blank">proceeds</a> from iTunes sales will be donated to <a href="https://www.hrw.org/" target="_blank">Human Rights Watch.</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-20540824982688754102015-08-02T14:48:00.001-04:002015-08-02T20:20:08.620-04:00COMPOSING MY LIFEFirst blog post of 2015. Woohoo!! Break out the champagne! It only took me more than half the year to hit 'publish', but let's not dwell on my lack of consistency, nor my procrastination. Instead, let's be crazy and focus on the positive. Let's focus on what I've actually been doing when I'm not writing this blog. I finished recording an album of songs I wrote with my amazing band, <a href="http://www.redwinewhiskey.com/" target="_blank">Red Wine + Whiskey</a>. A song I wrote made the Top 10 of the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQc4nP4gE84&index=3&list=PL2blp_MLeEsFWK4ggh-gGMhCqBhvwTy6k" target="_blank">Davenport Songwriting Contest </a>for musical theatre, and I was lucky enough to perform it at the Davenport Theater in NYC. I started my own production company, Roxy Strago Productions. And I produced, directed and acted in a short film that I also wrote, called "<a href="http://www.composinglifefilm.com/" target="_blank">Composing Life</a>" (I swear I'm not a control freak, really...lack of money means you need to do more)!<br />
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I'm not writing any of this for a pat on the back. Honestly, aside from feeling exhausted when I typed the above, I don't feel any more successful than I did when I published my last post in October, 2014. Okay, that's not entirely true. I've succeeded in one main area. And it's pretty important. I did all of those things while I was totally and utterly petrified. I did them while I was not 100% ready. I did them while those little voices kept saying to me "Who do you think you are to do this? You're not a real musician, you think any one will like these songs? You aren't that talented. You're not really a writer. You're barely an actor, how the hell are you going to direct <i>real</i> actors? You're gonna FAIL!"<br />
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Yep, it's true, my inner critic is an Asshole, and yep, I'm pretty much afraid of everything, and yep, those voices can be pretty damn convincing, but one voice was LOUDER. And that was the one that told me that I'm here for a reason, and when I jump a net would appear. I know those <i>other</i> voices are only trying to protect me, but ultimately, they're wrong. I appreciate their intentions, but they are fucking wrong. And so I decided that I would <i>hear</i> them, but I would no longer <i>listen </i>to them. I OWE it to myself to do everything in my power to live the life I dream of. And after years of waiting for permission that never came from the powers that be in this industry, I decided to stop waiting for it. I just started to DO! And my God, it's empowering. It's still scary, but for so long I've heard that the best things happen when you're out of your comfort zone, and for the first time I've lived it. I continue to live it. </div>
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Our album hasn't been released yet, I didn't win that contest, my company hasn't made a dime, and we're still editing this little film of mine; I have no idea how any of this will turn out. I'm still going to do it. And for a change of pace, I'm going to think positively about it. Though I'm not foolish enough to believe things are gonna be less scary. They'll probably be more frightening, and I'll probably start getting enough points on my rewards card at my liquor store for discounts. I just refuse to let fear hold me back. There's a Robert H. Schuller quote that says, "What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?" Do that! I know it's not totally realistic, there's no guarantees in this life. But do it anyway. You owe it to yourself.</div>
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Here's a little iPhone recording of one of the scenes from "Composing Life" being shot on May 30th. More to come. I'm excited (well, excited and scared).</div>
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/composinglifethefilm?ref=hl" target="_blank">Facebook</a></div>
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<a href="https://twitter.com/Composing_Life" target="_blank">Twitter</a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-22892755840201844292014-10-22T00:53:00.004-04:002014-10-22T11:30:56.829-04:00If Just One Persons Believes...I've heard it said the hardest part of doing anything is starting. It's especially true when you are staring at a blank page, like what I'm faced with each time I attempt to write this blog. The past few weeks of writing weren't that difficult because I had experienced some sort of struggle almost daily, and so I had a lot to think about and express, and I guess learn; which makes writing easier, at least it does for me. See, I think I'm having such a hard time with this post because what I've felt this past week wasn't an overwhelming sense of fear, but gratitude. Pure gratitude, for where I am right now, for things that have led me here, for the future and for the people in my life who have supported me. So the question is, can I be happy and write a meaningful blog post? I don't know, but I'm going to try. I mean this post is already late by my self imposed deadline anyway, so I'll struggle on. <br />
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Now, I'm well aware that you learn from your failures/negative experiences, and that means we shouldn't be afraid to fail, but I also think you can learn from the good things as well. BUT just for old time's sake, let's start first with a disappointment. My Indiegogo campaign ended this past week and I didn't raise as much as I'd hoped. Heading into the last week of the campaign I felt angry. Why does <a href="https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/324283889/potato-salad" target="_blank">potato salad</a> raise $55,000.00 and I'm having trouble raising more than a thousand? Oh, and then things started to get really ugly when I began to list (a mental one, but still not pretty) all the people who didn't donate (people who I have given to and people who I knew could afford to give, but hadn't) and then thankfully I had an Oprah "A ha" moment. I realized that no one owes me anything. I had this dream, on my own and not one person (except for maybe my mom) was obligated to give me a dime. And when I contributed to anyone else's campaign, it was never because I expected a payback. I gave to support my friends. So I released the NEED to raise money, and I let it go (please don't sing). I also forgave all those people on my mental list, though they had done absolutely nothing wrong to be forgiven for, but I needed to do it for myself. And crazily enough, once I did that, I raised more money (maybe it's a coincidence because most people wait 'til the last minute to contribute, but I don't so). And I continue to receive support now that the campaign is over. <br />
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Yes, I failed!!! I did not reach my goal on Indiegogo, but I have gained so much more (get ready, I'm going to get positive now). The support I did receive was overwhelming, because I realized that those people who contributed to my film did so because they truly wanted to. No one had to open their wallets and contribute any of their hard earned cash, but they did. And as I thanked each person, I received notes back full of support. When I yelled at someone for what they gave and asked "Are you crazy?" they simply responded "No, I just love you and believe in you". And then I wept, at my desk, at work, and it was embarrassing. I don't think I have ever actually heard those words said to me before. And if they were said, I either hadn't <i>really</i> listened or I just didn't believe them. <br />
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With all these people believing in me, I can't let them down by not believing in myself. And as I move forward getting ready to go into the studio, and search for a cinematographer, there are moments of fear. What if the songs don't sound like I want them to? What if I choose the wrong person? What if what I've written isn't any good? But, and here's the biggie, what if I truly believe in myself (like my friends do) and listen to my instincts, and trust my gut? Imagine that!! I have to believe that if I do that I'll be where I need to be. I'm not saying it will be perfect, but I believe it will be the perfect place for me, in the perfect time.<br />
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And Lord knows I can ramble on and on with my non-perfect sentences, but honestly, I don't think I can say it better than Bernadette Peters and the Muppets. Special thanks to my dear friend <a href="http://www.pollymckie.com/" target="_blank">Polly McKie</a> for introducing me to this, and to all those friends and family members who believe in me. You make it essential that I believe in myself, and with that, anything is possible:<br />
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<b>UPDATE: Let's share the love. I had this thought this morning (after posting very late last night), what if we all thought of one person that you believe in (they don't need to be in the performing arts) and you told them so. Or maybe you tweet them with #Ibelieveinyou! Or if you don't feel comfortable telling them personally, why not say a prayer for them or send them good thoughts and root for them that way. You never know who needs to feel your belief right now! </b></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-53491856795692524302014-10-12T23:29:00.001-04:002014-10-13T10:56:02.880-04:00The Hero's JourneyA few years ago I had the incredible opportunity to perform in <a href="http://nycplayers.org/works/current" target="_blank">NYC Player's</a> "<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/24/theater/reviews/neutral-hero-by-richard-maxwell-at-the-kitchen.html?_r=0" target="_blank">Neutral Hero</a>". Unbeknownst to me, the story was inspired by Joseph Campell's The Hero's Journey. And no, I didn't play the hero, but I did play Karen Elliot, the Goddess (yes, I still laugh about it myself). I never gave much thought to the hero's journey before I joined the cast, and I haven't thought about it much since, because well, I'm no hero. I've never saved a life or healed the sick, I'm just a girl from Long Island, who wants to entertain people through stories and music, and who would like to one day pay off her credit card debt, but that's another story for another day. And honestly, I wasn't planning on writing this post, but the feelings I've been dealing with recently have dictated to me that I needed to talk about what I've just figured out.<br />
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Working on this <a href="http://www.composinglifefilm.com/" target="_blank">film</a>, trying to raise money for it, and writing this blog has given me the keys to open up my very own Pandora's box of fears. You name it, I've experienced it in the past two weeks. Some fears are normal, like not raising enough money to make this project, to feeling like the work isn't good enough. I say they're normal because I've experienced that type fear before. But other fears are just completely irrational. It seems like one little negative thought leads to another one that's a little bit bigger, and before you know it I'm catching Ebola, being falsely imprisoned, and/or dying alone. It's been a rough week.<br />
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My fears had become so overwhelming that I began to feel physically ill, so when I saw Elizabeth Gilbert was on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday, I sat my ass down on my couch and watched that sucker immediately OnDemand. I was transformed in an hour. See it was there, I was reminded of The Hero's journey but in a more personal way. A very abbreviated explanation of the journey is the 'hero' answers the call not without self doubt, struggles on the path, then reaches a point of no return which leads to a battle, where Gilbert says that "every single one of those obstacles prepared you for the battle, then you lose your fear and then you become the hero". Me. And you, if we answer the call.<br />
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See I answered my call. And it is a very different one from most people I know. No one else in my family, or friends for that matter, has received a similar call as I, and if they have then the have rejected it. They all went to school, got jobs with that degree, got married, had kids, because that is their call; but that's not mine. Sometimes when people see you making a different choice then the one they are accustomed to, they assume you must be unhappy. But no worries, they're here to help!! They have all the advice in the world and know just how to fix you. And even though I didn't know I needed to be fixed, I began to doubt myself, and my call. What if they're right? Maybe I should just forget this crazy dream of mine (it's really hard anyway), find a good paying job with health insurance (I too have a degree), get a man, a marriage license, and pop out a few kids (Lord knows that would make my mother very happy). But honestly, I'm not unhappy without those things. Yes, there are a few things I'd like to change about my current situation, but I'm happy on my journey. Nothing makes me feel more alive and grateful than writing and performing, and nothing makes me feel more trapped then having to do something that takes me away from that. This is the life I want to live. And then, like a light bulb, I realized that I was feeling all this anxiety because I'd let the opinions of others affect my own. <br />
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Sure it's not without struggles or trials (this <a href="https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/composing-life-a-short-film/x/1101149" target="_blank">indiegogo</a> campaign of mine is just the tip of the iceberg) but they are just obstacles on my path. And I welcome them. I don't enjoy them, but if they are prepping me for what's to come, I welcome them. So now, I have officially chosen to become the Hero of my own story! If I'm not, who will be? That's what my film is about...characters who have received and accepted their call, no matter how difficult, no matter who doesn't understand, no matter who tells them "No", because I don't believe you will be truly happy unless you follow your own call. As Paulo Coelho author of The Alchemist says, our only obligation is to find our "personal legend" (or purpose), honor it and fulfill it. And at the risk of sounding like a Hallmark card or an advertisement for OWN TV, I hope I can continue to be brave enough to continue my journey. I may not be a hero in terms of a summer blockbuster, but I see now that I am the hero of my life. I can only hope you're the hero of yours. You deserve that! Hell, he world needs it!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-38840656348397361232014-10-07T14:42:00.001-04:002014-10-08T21:17:07.179-04:00Asking for help SUCKS!Asking for help is hard. I'm not used to doing it and I don't like it. As adults, and I think I'm supposed to be one of those, shouldn't we be self-sufficient? Aren't we supposed to look like we're got it all together, even if we are raging messes inside? Won't it look like we're weak if we ask for help? It's funny though, whenever someone asks me for help, I never once look at it as a weakness, but somehow it's different for myself. It feels embarrassing for me to need assistance. It's a blaring reminder that I am not perfect, I do not have it all together and I'm not sure I ever will. It's also an incredibly vulnerable thing to do, to put yourself out there and say to the world, "Oh hey, excuse me everybody who seems to have their act together, I sorta cannot do this on my own, so can you maybe throw me a rope. Only if it's not too much trouble"!<br />
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But I see now that it's essential. I'm in that <i>ask </i>place right now, as I'm asking for help to bring this film to life. I don't have an off-shore bank account or wads of cash in my mattress, nor do I have wealthy parents or a sugar daddy (and I'm totally ok with that). So I started an <a href="https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/composing-life-a-short-film/x/1101149" target="_blank">indiegogo</a> campaign and am asking for support. When I thought about doing it originally I had no qualms about it. Many of my friends had done their own and I supported them. It's not a big deal. But when I put my campaign up, all of a sudden I felt not so great about it. It kinda felt dirty to me. Who am I to ask my friends and family for money for something that I want to do. Who do I think I am?? I would imagine people seeing my posts about my campaign and them saying to themselves "You want to make a film, good for you, go make it yourself". Now as a disclaimer, no one has ever said that to me, but whenever I post something on FB or send an email about raising money, that is what I imagine people are thinking.<br />
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When I was doing research on budgets for film and raising money, I send an email to a friend who had just completed their own short film and I was asking about financing. This person (who is an excellent human being, super smart and talented) said to me that they couldn't bring themselves to ask their friends to pay for their short . Since there will be no return on it, it didn't feel right to them. But they were making no judgement on anyone who went that route. Part of me felt sick because I too agreed with them (partially anyway), but I also realized that without help this film would stay where it had been for a long time, on my computer and in my mind. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and a call for help.<br />
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It still bothers me when I write an email to a friend and ask them to check out my campaign and to consider supporting it. Then when I get an email notification, instead of thinking I have a new contribution I just assume it's a nasty email saying "Please never contact me again about your stupid film, I have my own things to deal with". I have yet to receive an email like that.<br />
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But you know what I have received? Encouragement. And from surprising sources. I have been so supremely touched by the generosity of people, some of which I barely know, but who have contributed and then sent messages like "I know what it's like to purse your dreams, and how tough it is at the beginning...I'm rooting for you." How amazing is that? Every time I get an notification that someone has contributed, I'm filled with so much gratitude I want to cry. To feel any kind of support is absolutely amazing. People do want to help you. But you need to be brave and ask for it. Have I reached my goal? No. Will I? Probably not, but that's okay. I'm not stopping. <br />
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I came upon an article in TIME Magazine (no, I'm not that intellectual, I saw it on Facebook) and in it, Ricky Gervais said this about hard work <span style="font-family: inherit;">"</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 22.000019073486328px;">I believe that if you </span><span style="line-height: 22.00002098083496px;">didn't</span><span style="line-height: 22.000019073486328px;"> have to work for something, it can’t truly be considered success. Luck </span><span style="line-height: 22.00002098083496px;">doesn't</span><span style="line-height: 22.0000190734863px;"> count. I think success is allowed a certain pride and you can’t be proud of luck or even of being born smart, artistic, or talented. It’s what you do with it that counts." This thing is not going to come </span><span style="line-height: 22.0000190734863px;">easily</span><span style="line-height: 22.0000190734863px;"> to me and that's okay. For a little while I was thinking that if it doesn't happen quickly or easily it's not meant to be, but that my </span><span style="line-height: 22.0000190734863px;">friends,</span><span style="line-height: 22.0000190734863px;"> is complete bullshit. There are lessons in this journey, there are things I need to experience for me to grow and there are moments to be met, so I can get to the next moment. I can't skip any steps. And so I will work harder on this than anything else, so that when I have my first screening, I will know I have succeeded, but not without the help of some friends. And for that I'll be forever grateful. This is a </span><span style="line-height: 22.00002098083496px;">journey</span><span style="line-height: 22.000019073486328px;"> that is opening me up, it's teaching me to</span><span style="line-height: 22.000019073486328px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> be vulnerable, to ask for help and to trust that good intentions, hard work, dedication and a pure love will be rewarded in kind. </span> </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-79713340378095803642014-09-30T00:54:00.001-04:002014-09-30T01:26:12.327-04:00It's funny how these doubts keep growing.Two weeks ago I launched an <a href="https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/composing-life-a-short-film/x/1101149" target="_blank">Indiegogo campaign</a> to raise money for this <a href="http://jeananngarrish.blogspot.com/2014/09/im-tired-of-waiting.html" target="_blank">passion project </a>of mine, and just like that, I received two generous contributions. I was thrilled! This was going to be a piece of cake. My friends and family would see how devoted I was to making this happen and click that pink button of support. And strangers would see the link shared by said friends and family, discover that it's a funny yet worthwhile project, and they too would want to help. So of course, throughout the day any time my phone 'dinged' (yes, my phone dings) with an email alert, I immediately knew it was another contribution. And since you are all brilliant people, I'm sure it comes as no surprise to you, I was wrong...Nothing.<br />
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I tried to tell myself it doesn't matter. Even if no one else contributes another dime, somehow I would make this film. But little by little this was just another thing for those negative voices to grab a hold of, make me doubt myself, and then doubt some more, because to me, in that moment, the amount of contributions told the story of what everyone thought of me. And it wasn't a very good story. It felt like no one believed in me or my talent; that no one believed in this project; that no one cared. I was all alone in this world.<br />
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Now if you are looking at the paragraph above from a rational, non-emotional and calm perspective you would think I should go straight to a shrink, and looking back right now, from the other side, I can see that it does seem a bit cray. And though I cannot fully explain it, those feelings felt 100% real. When you are in that dark place of fear and doubt and insecurity, it's relatively easy to go from "Maybe my post isn't reaching everyone I'm trying to reach" to "I guess no one believes in this project" to "I'm completely alone in the world". And so I broke down and cried my eyes out.<br />
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I also failed to mention that earlier that day I held the door for a woman who was on her phone. She walked right into the overpriced coffee chain, that continuously spells my name incorrectly, without a thank you. So I, loudly and passive aggressively, said "You're welcome". She came back out and said "Thank you. I'm sorry you need to be validated". I really wanted to call her a few choice names, but by some strange act of God I restrained myself and just said, "No, I'm sorry that you have no manners". Then I realized that, though she was rude, she was right. I do need to be validated. I do need to feel like I matter, that what I do matters, that people like me, that I count, that everyone knows I exist...I can continue, but I'll spare you. And that's what the lack of contributions was feeding into, my lack of feeling validated.<br />
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I wish I could finish this post with an epiphany; that I found the remedy for this need of validation, because I would totally share it with you and make the time you wasted reading this worthwhile, but if you came here for all the answers, I think you now know you came to the wrong place. I'm struggling right with you (at least I think you might struggle too, if not, please impart some of your wisdom). Instead, here I sit, with a new recognition and a few realizations:<br />
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<ol>
<li>The entire world does not revolve around me and what I want. I never thought that I thought it did, but apparently there's a small part of me that thinks it does, or it should. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but there it is. </li>
<li>What other people feel about me and my talent should have no affect on how I feel about myself and my talent. But at times it can feel like that's all that matters.</li>
<li>The amount of "support" I get, or do not get, for this project does not reflect my self-worth, or the worthiness of this film. </li>
<li>I should probably see a shrink.</li>
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I need to work on these things daily (aside from the shrink, because I cannot afford one, so I drink, <i>I </i><i>kid, </i>but really I can't afford one), just stating them doesn't make them a reality in my life. So the only solution I can think of is to keep going, to continue to do the work because ultimately, that's what's important. Having doubts does not mean I will stop! I also know I will hit more walls as I move forward; this is just the first one to climb over. And most importantly, I still believe "<a href="http://jeananngarrish.blogspot.com/2013/08/if-you-build-it-they-will-come.html" target="_blank">If you build it, they will come"</a>, so I'm starting to build this foundation. I choose to believe the right people will find and support this film, and I will be stronger for the journey.<br />
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Now since this film is a comedy with original music, I had an idea to write a witty song for our <a href="https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/composing-life-a-short-film/x/1101149" target="_blank">Indiegogo</a> campaign and luckily I had some extremely talented friends sing along (a few just happen to be in <a href="http://www.composinglifefilm.com/" target="_blank">"Composing Life"</a> as well). I couldn't be more grateful for their time and talents, as well as the opportunity to bring this story to life and the lessons I will continue to learn. I hope you enjoy. And I hope you continue to climb over your own walls; they need to be climbed!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-71283863672892070592014-09-21T22:56:00.003-04:002014-09-22T00:46:06.279-04:00I'm tired of waiting.Did you miss me? Did you wonder where I'd gone? Do you remember reading this blog at all? If so, I apologize for my blogging absence. If not, well, let's just pretend that you did and you do because, although it has been over a year since my last post, I'm back. I honestly feel quite guilty for not posting for so long, but I did have my reasons. One of which was feeling that these posts had become more narcissistic than I had liked. I also hated feeling the need to have people "like" my posts and I couldn't stop comparing myself to other bloggers when their posts were shared all over social media but I was lucky to have 18 people read mine (and I know that I am lucky). These feelings seemed to cheapen what I was trying to do and yet I couldn't figure out how to separate what I wanted to say from my insecurities about how many people were reading it and how they were responding to what I was saying. I also felt like a hypocrite, trying to put myself out there in order to "inspire" others, but I couldn't inspire myself out of paper bag. I needed a time out. And so I focused on my work.<br />
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I've been 'working' on a passion project for years. And by 'working' I mean thinking about it. These characters have been living in my head for over five years and remained there until two years ago when I finally wrote a television pilot, but I know no one in the tv industry. So I sat on it, and sat on it some more. Then in February I had an epiphany, I figured, I'll do a web series. I'll write a prequel to the story, so the world would meet these characters and fall in love with them, but a few months into that process I realized that that was not the right platform for me or this story. So I went back to what seems like my roots and wrote a short film. See, I majored in film production in college, but after graduation I focused on performing and never used that very expensive piece of paper, otherwise know as my diploma. And then like all good procrastinators, I sat on it again because I needed to make it PERFECT before I moved forward!! Ha, when will I learn?!<br />
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Since I've started on this journey I've been trying to figure out why I'm so afraid to move, and I think it's because if I do this and people hate it, if they hate my work, then they must think I'm not good. And if people think I'm not good, well, then, they must be right, right? So then everything I've ever thought about myself, my life and my dreams will be wrong. Yes, rationally I know I wear some brightly colored tight fitting CRAZY PANTS!! Because that's insane. My self worth does not depend on something that I create, and it most definitely does not depend on what others think of it. But tell that to the vampires in my head at 1:00 in the morning.<br />
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So now, I'm tired!! I'm tired of waiting for something to happen. I'm tired of thinking positively, and reading inspirational quotes and sharing them, and then waiting some more. It's not about waiting, it's about doing. Looking back on my life so far, I've realized I've been waiting to be picked...picked for a team, picked for a dance, picked for a solo, a date, a role, a career, a life even. And I'm tired of it. I can no longer allow myself to wait for someone to "pick" me, so I am picking myself. I'm not going to wait for approval or permission. I'm no longer waiting for the perfect time because I think we all know that no such time exists.<br />
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And I may very well fail, but I will do so on my own terms. And by fail I mean, people may hate my film, or worse they may feel nothing at all. It may not get into a single festival, nor be the stepping stone like I hope it will be. Hell, it may not even be seen!! But regardless of the what the outcome turns out to be, I know it will propel me forward, personally and creatively, and that's far better than sitting on my couch waiting for something. I'm going to make a movie:<br />
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Going forward, I hope to write a new post every week focusing on bringing this passion project of mine to life, dealing with the difficulties that will arise, facing the fears and irrationalities, and the journey of moving past my comfort zone. Please join me, because it's so much more fun when you feel completely uncomfortable with a friend! Let's do this! <br />
#Ballsout #Shortfilm #ComposinglifeAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-73328930565569101922013-08-11T19:16:00.000-04:002013-08-11T19:16:27.975-04:00"If you build it, they will come"...Remember that movie "Field of Dreams"? Yeah, it's a baseball flick (and when I first saw it as a kid, I was a huge baseball fan), but man, it's so much more than that, and it's one of my favorites (if you haven't seen it, stop here, watch it, come back, we'll discuss. No worries we'll wait. Well, at least this post will still be here when you return). Anyway, this guy, Ray, is on this journey he doesn't understand, but he can't stop. He's faced with the possibility of losing his farm, but he has to keep going. Everyone thinks he's crazy. But still he continues. More and more, I'm beginning to see that I'm just like him. I'm Ray.<br />
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Times are hard...for everyone, a lot of the time, I know that. I'm not the only one that struggles. Even the super successful, seemingly perfect, I have it all people, have bad times. Unfortunately, it seems like the past few weeks have been a little bit harder for me. The times are a'changing and new issues have popped up. Anxiety creeps in slowly and self-doubt enters quietly until both break down the door of your sanity and self-esteem, replacing them with fear and self-doubt. They sleep peacefully right next to you, while you lie awake for hours worrying and trying to make it all right (Is that too poetic? Guess someone's been trying to write too many lyrics lately). And I get it, I'm in a business with absolutely NO GUARANTEES!! I also can leave at any second, and choose a more safe and secure life; and just for the record, sympathy is the one thing I am not after. So I choose to hide the craziness from most people, and only let those that understand it, in. But since I know I'm one of many that struggle, I share it all here, with you.<br />
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Lately, I've been so worried about my future, and money (or lack there of), and how much longer I can go on like this, and thinking "how the fuck is this all gonna play out?" (pardon my French, but sometimes the good old F-word is needed). Sometimes I wish I could see the future, and then I take a breath, I'm grateful that that gift was not bestowed upon me. But then I get angry. Why did I choose this life? Better yet, why did it choose me? Why was this overwhelming desire to perform and create, given to me (and I do believe it was given to me)? And if this is supposed to be my destiny, why is it so unbelievably tough sometimes? Can you tell that I think a lot, far too much maybe? But it's the only way I know to try, and make some sense of things I don't have answers to, or understand. <br />
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After many mornings (or really late nights) of thinking and thinking, this is what I came up with. I don't for one second regret the dreams that were given to me, no matter how many struggles or how many obstacles cross my path. This is because I know it's all pushing me along the road to my destination. I could have denied the dream, my gifts, who I am, and chosen a different path, one that would have given me far more money and much less stress (as well as, less rejection, less fear, less heartache), but that was not the desire that was put into my heart. And since I don't have that crystal ball with all the answers, the one that will that tell me 100% that these struggles will be worth it in the end, I just have to BELIEVE it!<br />
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So when the s*#t hits the fan (one profanity in a blog post is enough, at least for the time being), I now ask myself, why? Why is this happening? What can I possibly learn from this? And what am I doing, or not doing, that is causing the extra struggle. To me, these things are happening because it's leading me somewhere else. Even if I don't understand it, and even if I hate it at the time...I believe I feel the pain, the disappointment, the anxiety, so I can take action and move forward. I refuse to let it hold me back, but rather to propel me forward.<br />
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I have a few friends and family members who tell me (paraphrasing of course), "you should go back to school and be a teacher", "you should work here or there"," you should do this or that"; and I get it. I understand it's all out of love, because they are scared for me (some times I'm scared for me too) but what they don't get is the desire I have in my heart, down to my bones, for telling stories, in whatever capacity that takes form, or flight. The desire I have to entertain and to communicate, all in the hopes that one day I can help someone get through their day, just as countless other performers and writers, have helped me get through mine. I do get it, but I can't go there. I just keep going. Because just like "Field of Dreams" and that iconic quote I titled this post, I do believe that if I continue on this journey, one day it will all be worth it. And if I continue to do the work, one day the people who need it, will see it, and hopefully feel it. If I build it, they <b>will</b> come.<br />
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I am Ray. I think we all are Ray, but sometimes we let Timothy Busfield (Ray's brother-in-law, who thinks he's completely off his rocker, and wants him to stop this crazy pursuit), we let him win the battle. Let's just make sure we don't let him win the war. And here's hoping no one needs to choke on a hot dog for us to believe in our dreams (really, go watch the movie, and don't even get me started on the "ease his pain" part, I lose it every time). Just go build that sucker, someone out there is waiting for it!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-65155582820334522972013-05-27T22:01:00.001-04:002013-05-27T22:01:55.822-04:00Questions (part 2).I'm an idiot (perhaps that would have been a better title for this post)! So, yeah, I am an idiot who doesn't seem to know how to take her own advice, or apparently learn from her own mistakes, I guess, until I do? My last post was all about how it doesn't matter how many people read my blogs, or listen to my music, or if they like it or not. Ideally, that it only matters that I put myself, and my work out there, and that I'm happy with what I'm doing. And then I spent the majority of the next two weeks getting really angry while comparing myself to everyone under the sun. So I took a breath, and I realized that I'm so busy looking at where everyone else is, and what they have, and whining about what I'm lacking and me, me, me, me that I'm MISSING THE POINT...I'm missing out on my life!!! Living this way has taken the love and joy out of my experiences. So how many blog posts do I need to write about the same damn thing until I make a real change? Can we say someone's a slow learner???<br />
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I've decided that I need to stop whatever I'm doing, and to start bringing the love and joy back into my life. I've wanted to be a performer since I was a kid, because I LOVED it. Nothing made me happier than singing, and listening to music and being on stage, but somewhere, at some point something changed. I think everyday (as I tried to turn this joy, into my career) a little joy left, until all that remained are doubts, and questions, and never feeling that my gifts are good enough. When I record something and listen back to it, do you know what I hear? Mistakes. Once in a blue moon, I think "Oh that note was nice" but mostly I hear what's wrong. I think, you're not up to the same standard as so and so. You can't hit that note like what's her name. Well, that's bullshit. I'm here for a reason. I've always believed, and still do, it's to entertain people. All I want to do is to lift up others, but how in the hell can I do that when I cannot lift up myself?<br />
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So here's the deal. No more. Yeah, I've said it before, but I don't see how much more I can continue traveling down the same road with the same attitude without going crazy, so I need to make this change for my own happiness. I can no longer be obsessed with every little move and decision I make. I want to enjoy my life, because Lord knows, we don't know how long we've got. I want to sing because I LOVE TO SING. I want to do it and NOT judge every single note. And I don't want to do anything, if it doesn't bring me joy!!
You know, it's funny, when you ask questions, sometimes you find the answers. Crazy, I know!! I started writing this blog on Wednesday night (I texted myself the opening paragraph) and then this morning on Facebook I read a post by <a href="http://www.daniellelaporte.com/creativity-art-design-articles/never-start-your-plan-with-a-compromise/#" target="_blank">Danielle LaPorte</a>. She's starting her own magazine and she wrote this to her team, "We're going to grow this our way. In a way that feels good, healthy, fun. Joyful. Freedom-based". And there it is, JOY! Why didn't I realize this before? I'm gonna do this my way, and it's going to be joyful. Why shouldn't it be?<br />
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I also went to see Sara Bareilles sing at the Highline Ballroom on Thursday night, and not only was she fucking amazing, it was the greatest thing I could have done for myself. This was the last stop on her solo tour, called Brave. And by solo, I mean solo (she was up there by herself with only a piano and a few guitars). She owned that room, not only because she's insanely talented, but because she bared her soul up there and you could tell she loved every single second of it. She also was funny and self-deprecating...she fucked up, and called herself out on it, and it only made every one love her more. She said a few of her friends told her to do this tour, and she didn't want to, it scared her, but because she was telling everyone else to be "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4" target="_blank">Brave</a>", she decided to put her money where her mouth was. So she risked and did it, and she said it was one of the best experiences of her life. I was inspired. I left there with more purpose than ever. Life isn't supposed to be perfect. You're supposed to make mistakes. And as my teacher, the incomparable (Tony and Emmy winner) Helen Gallagher says, mistakes are the only thing you learn from. You don't learn from success. I'm tired of trying to do everything right; like if I don't do it this way, the right way, I'll never move forward. I'm finally realizing that I'm going nowhere with that mentality. <br />
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Sure, I write this blog, and started it mainly, because I really do hope people like it, and get something from it. That maybe my 'issues' might help someone else with their own. But at this moment, I'm writing it for myself, in the hopes that I will learn from what I'm putting out there. That when those gremlins creep into my ear, shouting doubts and filling me with fear, I will reread this and know that I cannot listen to them. To live for the love and the joy. Cause what else are we doing, if we don't?<br />
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One last thought...I really start to take notice of things, like someone is trying to tell me something, when I see things multiple times. And I've seen this quote twice, two days in a row, on different sites, so I think it's a lesson I should learn and it feels right to share:<br />
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<i>"If you see your path laid out in front of you --Step one, Step two, Step three-- you only know one thing...it's not your path. Your path is created in the moment of action. If you can see it laid out in front of you, you can be sure it is someone else's path. That is why you see it so clearly"</i></div>
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<i> </i>-Joseph Campbell</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-80615655802064244492013-05-12T23:01:00.001-04:002013-05-12T23:01:42.151-04:00Questions...So I made this promise to myself that I'd publish a new post every other week and I started to have a bit of a panic when I headed into the second week and I had no idea what to write about. That's not entirely true, I had a few 'ideas', none of which seemed to be organic but rather just something to say. I could have rambled on about the audition I went on last week but I don't know that I have anything inspirational to say about it. Well, I showed up, that's good, right?<br />
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It wasn't until I was meditating on Wednesday night (Yes, I meditate. I think I do, anyway. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure if what I do is meditating. If so, I'm probably doing it wrong. And no, that doesn't give me any anxiety at all during the one thing that is supposed to clear my mind and calm me down. And yes, my sarcasm seems to still be in tact). Anyway, during this "meditation" a thought popped in to my head (isn't a thought a so called "no, no" in meditation?); so this thought was about my goal, writing and recording these songs, and then immediately, this string of overwhelmingly negative thoughts flooded in. They sounded something like this, "Go ahead and do it, but no one will care, because the things you put out into the world do not get noticed in the ways other people's do. You do not affect people in the way you hope to. You will be disappointed yet again".<br />
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I tried to stop these thoughts, but did you ever try to NOT think about something? Let's try it now, do <u>not </u>think about orange...yep, all you can do is think about oranges, or the color orange, or an oompa loompa, right? And if you successfully did not think of orange, I want to know your secret. So I started to let those thoughts go, and they were replaced by many questions. Why am I doing this? Really, what is my motivation for all of this? This blog? This music? This career? What am I doing it for? Am I doing it so that I can look on my blog's main page and see how many hits I've gotten (don't think I don't do it, because I do, and readership has declined last post), or how many people listen to my clips on <a href="https://soundcloud.com/jagarrish" target="_blank">SoundCloud</a> (yep, check that too), or what about how many comments I get on my statuses? Do we just do things now for a like on Facebook? Does it validate who we are if we have a few more 'friends' than our neighbor? Will I still be happy with myself if those thoughts come true and what I put out into the world, though it may make me feel proud, and productive, and of some service to the world, go unnoticed? Will I truly be okay with that? And if not, what am I doing it for? I told you, questions have come up, and I'm now struggling to find those answers.<br />
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Sure I think it's human to want to be accepted and liked. We want to matter. We want to be heard. But does it make you less of a gift if some one hates on your YouTube clip? And on that note, what's worse: a negative comment, or being completely ignored? I've dealt with both and I don't know. I'm trying to not hold onto the outcomes. I hope that what I share finds the people that might benefit from it, and I think I need to accept that it's okay if it's only a handful of people. I need to let go of thinking that my work is less important if only a hundred people hear it. Do I hope that thousands or hey, might as well dream big here, millions of people stumble upon my work one day and enjoy it, heck even love it? Of course. But if that is not the case, I hope I can look inside and know that I am the same worthwhile person I was before. And I will not let the fear of disappointment get the best of me. I may create something that people dislike, or have no opinion about, or completely ignore, but I will have done what I dreamt of doing. Maybe that's why I do it, because I have to.<br />
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In the end, I believe there's a plan. And when you follow your passions and dreams wholeheartedly, they'll lead you to your best life (maybe that's singing in front of 13,000 people, or maybe it's 13, you just won't know until you go out and sing). And if we're happy with who we are, with what we are contributing to the world, and the life we are living, we might just be okay.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-80082573225550244902013-04-28T21:49:00.000-04:002013-04-28T21:49:40.270-04:00Resurrections (part deux)...You know when you get an idea and you're excited about it, because it could lead to something really special, so you make plans, and you're still really excited about it, because it's still far away, so the fear and doubts are kept at bay. And then the days pass, and the time gets closer, and you start to feel uneasy (okay, fine, I'll say it) I start to feel uneasy. And I think, maybe I'm just not ready, maybe I need a little more time? You ever feel like that? No? Okay, so let's take a time out on that thought for a second. No worries, we'll come back to it, I promise.<br />
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Some of you may know I had the huge opportunity to tour Europe in 2011 performing in <i>Neutral Hero</i> as a part of <a href="http://www.nycplayers.org/works/view/Neutral_Hero" target="_blank">New York City Players</a>. Music was a tremendous part of the show. So not only did I have an incredible time performing throughout Europe, but I became friends with a couple of totally amazing musicians. Sure we performed music in the show, but we also had sing-alongs in our hotel rooms, maybe a lobby or two, and during, what we like to call, musical brunch. What's that now? Yes, I said musical brunch. More on that in a bit. Believe me, I have some sort of point. I'm sure I'll get there eventually.<br />
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So when you kinda mention to these musician friends that you've been writing some music, and they offer to lend you their talents, you get so excited because these are real actual gifted musicians. So you send out an email, and you make plans, and you're excited, and then it gets to be the day before, and you get a little bit nervous, but then you haven't spoken about it in a few weeks, so you start thinking (and yes, by saying you, I mean me) "Oh, maybe it won't happen. They're probably just really busy, and I'll just send an email and say, 'Hey guys, I know you're so busy, no worries, we can reschedule '" and then before you hit send, you get an email saying "Just checking in about tomorrow...". Oh shit, it's happening. So you put your uke in it's plushy, new case (with fears and all) and you hit the road...<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DoWJNhHB88M/UX2JplZmTfI/AAAAAAAAAko/ctQDW-AXbd4/s1600/photo+(26).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DoWJNhHB88M/UX2JplZmTfI/AAAAAAAAAko/ctQDW-AXbd4/s320/photo+(26).JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My uke is very cute.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
to Brooklyn, for Musical Brunch (yay, it's a picture blog day). Okay, so what the heck is musical brunch you ask? It's brunch, you know with some bites to eat and some drinks, but mainly it's drinking early in the day without feeling guilty about it because well, it's brunch, oh, and you also play music. The first time we had musical brunch was in Vienna. We had it on the grounds of our hotel (and I think it was probably not quite acceptable to play and drink where we did, but when in doubt, just look confused, ya know the look that says <i>Oh, we're American, we don't know any better</i>) . It looked something like this...<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_1HJFqHOHSI/UX2Q9XoZW9I/AAAAAAAAAlI/tog0xZbhcd0/s1600/photo+(28).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_1HJFqHOHSI/UX2Q9XoZW9I/AAAAAAAAAlI/tog0xZbhcd0/s320/photo+(28).JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Andie, James and me in Vienna.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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So at this point you (and now by you, I do actually mean, you), you may be wondering why I was hoping to postpone musical brunch? Good question folks. And the answer is, because I'm insane. Because going to musical brunch would mean putting myself out there, and quite possibly embarrassing myself in front of my friends. Now if you know these folks, you know they are the nicest and most supportive peeps on the planet, but they are insanely talented, and I am not a trained musician. Let me translate the voices in my head for you, they go something like this "You are going to make a fool out of yourself. Do you really think people are gonna like what you write? Who do you think you are?" Well, I told those voices to shut the f*#k up, and now back in America, musical brunch looks something like this...<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zv72XWGYDck/UX2LrZzDAgI/AAAAAAAAAk4/Q5CPUvxy1Mo/s1600/photo+(27).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zv72XWGYDck/UX2LrZzDAgI/AAAAAAAAAk4/Q5CPUvxy1Mo/s320/photo+(27).JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Andie, Katie and James tuning up.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After some heavy carb-loading, and a few mimosas, we got down to business. Finding some courage I played a bit of my song (and in case you missed my first demo of the song, you can find it in this post: <a href="http://roxystrago.blogspot.com/2013/03/resurrections.html" target="_blank">Resurrections</a>, and when you listen you'll hear why I was nervous to play in front of them), they did what they do best. We talked about the feel, asking my opinions, giving theirs, working together. The thing about making music is there are so many possibilities. It's all about the possibilities, and then making choices. You try things out, add a solo here, one more measure there, you bring back the melodica, you take away the mandolin, and if it doesn't work, you try something different. And isn't that what life is all about? You make a choice, take a chance and if you fall down, you get back up again.<br />
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I can't tell you how great it felt to collaborate with my friends, especially listening to them play what I had only heard in my head, only now it sounded better than I imagined. To me, now it sounds like an actual song. They've inspired me to do more. And I am. I've also decided to set some goals for myself. Wanna hear 'em? Well, you don't have a choice (ok, you do, you can stop reading now, but I hope you don't) 1: to have four-five songs written, and arranged, by September and 2): to record those songs for an EP by the end of the year. I'm excited and fear free (for now).<br />
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I think the time has come to share what we worked on. We made a little recording again on my trusty iPhone, but I'm so proud to share it. Mr. James Moore is on guitar, Ms. Andie Tanning Springer is on mandolin and melodica, Ms. Katie Cox is on banjolele (which is a banjo ukuele, and it's seriously the cutest thing ever) and I'm on vocals (yes, I chickened out and didn't play but, come on, it's hard for me to sing and play at the same time...cut me some slack, I'm learning to). You can hear it by pressing this little link right here:<br />
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<a href="https://soundcloud.com/jagarrish/the-slaughter-and-the-lamb" target="_blank">The Slaughter and the Lamb</a><br />
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And seriously, my friends are terrifically talented, and super amazing humans. I can't thank them enough for sharing their gifts and time with me. You can find out more info on them below:
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<a href="http://www.jamesmooreguitar.com/" target="_blank">James Moore</a><br />
<a href="http://www.andiespringer.com/" target="_blank">Andie Tanning Springer</a><br />
<a href="http://www.wildshore.org/katie-cox/" target="_blank">Katie Cox</a><br />
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Thanks for listening!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-27353546734878859172013-04-14T22:43:00.000-04:002013-04-14T22:43:46.762-04:00THESE FOOLISH THINGS...Sometimes I doubt, and loudly. Sometimes the doubts get so loud, and scary, that it hurts. A few months ago they hit me so hard, I felt like I hit a wall. I really questioned if I should still be pursuing this career. I got up on a Saturday morning, took a shower and wept...for a long time. Thankfully, no one saw me because I'm one ugly crier. I mean like U-G-L-Y. Anyway, after I stopped, I realized I'm not ready to give up. BUT I could no longer continue on the same road I was on. Something had to change. Then I sat down to write (I'm not a big journaler, this blog is as journal-ly as I get. I've had a few diaries as a kid with entries like "I hate so and so, so much, everybody loves her blah, blah, blah". I filled in like three pages, and never wrote in them again. But something told me to write down what it felt like at that moment. Well, it felt like rock-bottom, and here it is, in all it's unedited, depressed gory glory:<br />
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<i>This is what rock-bottom looks like, well what it looks like to me. It’s a Saturday, early afternoon in February. Lying on the kitchen floor using a knife to pry the box of Benadryl that had fallen underneath the oven…Benadryl is expensive, when you are broke, not just broke but severely in debt. Rock-bottom is not knowing if you’ll have enough money to pay your health insurance this month or the next, but rock-bottom is knowing that you can no longer live in the state you are in. So there is a choice to be made, whether to continue on your path, albeit in a new direction, to give it up and try something new, or to end it. A brief dialogue goes on in your mind, and you then know in your heart that the option to end it is no option at all. So what to do? Get serious, because none of us have an infinite amount of time, and I’ve wasted enough minutes, and hours, and days, and months that have added up to years of, I can’t say complete failure because I’ve had some successes, and I’ve had some fun, and I’ve held on to my dreams, but holding on, and doing everything I possibly could do to move them forward...are different things, and I know I haven’t. I’m lazy and I get mad that things haven’t happened for me like other people but how can I? Yes, we may have the same dreams and I may even have more talent but they got up, and fell down and got right back up again the next day, and I got up, went to work and went back to sleep again. It’s not enough.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><i> I’ve spend my entire life afraid of making a fool of myself. God forbid I make a mistake, or even worse? I make a mistake in front of someone else, some one that I admire, or love, or someone I will never ever see again. I am so afraid to make a mistake, I don’t do a damn thing. You can’t get hurt, or embarrassed, or feel like a fool if you don’t do anything, but you can’t grow, and can’t succeed without a risk, a failure, having someone think that you suck, you’re an ass, you’re not good enough. Someone said if you haven’t failed, you haven’t tried hard enough. I haven’t failed enough. I haven’t done ENOUGH. </i><br />
<i><br /></i><i> In my some odd thirty years of life, I have never taken a NYC bus ride by myself, why? Oh, right, because I was afraid that I would do the wrong thing and someone might think I was an idiot, or get annoyed that I didn’t know what I was doing, or shake their head at me. I might make a fool of myself, on the bus, in front of strangers. Holy shit, how bad would that be? (Side note: the me right now writing this blog and re-reading this realizes that this is a ridiculous fear, but it was my fear and I'm putting it out there and owning it. Okay, continuing on.) Well, I took a trip on the bus Friday night and I didn’t know I was supposed to use my metro to purchase a receipt for the bus outside of the bus. So I waited for the bus in the cold, got on the bus expecting to use my metro card and Ouch, I was wrong. Off the bus. So I had to wait for another bus...you know what the worst thing was? Waiting in the fucking cold for another bus. I made a mistake in public, and I didn’t die. </i><br />
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<i> And so this is my project, my goal for the next 365 days. I do at least one thing a day for my career (write a line to a song, rewrite a line in a script, write a new line, submit for a project, record a song and put it on my website, go on an EPA audition/open call etc) and then document it here. Maybe it’s a small step one day, or maybe it’ll be a leap, but I can no longer play small, or I will HAVE to give this up. I will pick songs that I feel uncomfortable performing or singing. I’m not only here to perform greatly, but I’m here to learn all I can. I will try to make a fool of myself as much as I can, I will risk, because then I will deserve my just rewards. The time to be a fool in now! </i><br />
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<i></i>Reading that back now reminds me of what one of my college professors said of my short stories: Melodramatic! I used to watch a lot of soaps as a kid (yep, digressing again). But it's 100% how I felt at that moment, after questioning giving up my dreams, and then firmly believing, and saying NO, I CANNOT DO THAT TO MYSELF! But reading it now also feels like a wake up call once again, because can I honestly say that I've done one thing every single day since February 2nd, the day of my <strike>breakdown</strike> breakthrough, nope. That's partly because the "documenting" I mentioned above lasted all of three days, so I don't know what I did, and when I did what (hmm, could consistency be an issue for me?) And, dear friends, it's also because I'm a lazy broad, probably not entirely sloth-like but who's to judge.
However, I've written, and I've put myself out there a little more, and I've been embarrassed, and I've stumbled still, and I try to look people in the eye everyday, hold my head up high, and show up for myself...and I haven't felt like quitting, because I don't want to get off this road, because it's where I'm supposed to be. I AM A FOOL, and I'm kinda okay with it (so far)*.<br />
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<i>*Looking forward to sharing the result of a little risk I embarked on today (let's say next blog post shall we?)!</i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-29375098827117489092013-03-31T22:09:00.001-04:002013-03-31T22:09:53.426-04:00Resurrections...I started writing this last night. I knew it would be a pretty busy day today, and I'm trying to post a new blog every two weeks, so I wanted to make sure I had something to share. But I went to bed last night feeling uneasy about it, not really excited about posting it later on today because I just wasn't sure it said what I wanted it to, or if it was something I really should put out there. Cut to the next scene, woke up this morning thinking I could do some editing after getting back from my cousin's house, but still not really feeling great about this post (I'm sure you can't wait to read it). But hey, why worry about it now, my self-imposed deadline was hours away and I had a bucket load of food to eat (I am Italian). So now I'm home, knowing I need to go to work on it, I immediately check Facebook and then went on Twitter (anything to procrastinate) but I saw this tweet from <a href="http://thesinglewoman.net/" target="_blank">@TheSingleWoman</a> "If ever there was a weekend to resurrect all those dreams you buried so long ago...this is it." Ohhh, okay, I get it. You better finish the f*%king blog, because that's exactly what it's about...old, buried dreams. I'm learning to follow signs. So here goes (sorry, it's a tad bit longer than usual)...<br />
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Today, as most of you know, is Easter. And even if you aren't a Believer (not a Belieber, two totally different things, as one worships a tiny man child who fashions himself a singer and sometimes thug would likes to pretend to beat up the paparazzi, but as usual I digress), I'm sure you're aware of Jesus' crucifixion and his resurrection three days later. According to trusty Wikipedia (why do we all trust wikipedia so blindly? Oh, not everyone does? Just me? Okay, good to know.) Anyway, according to Wikipedia, Resurrection is the concept of a living being coming back to life after death. And I'm certainly not comparing any of us humans here on earth to God but I think that anytime we get knocked down by life and choose to get back up, we get to experience our own type of resurrection. And it might not be three days later, some times it's three months or three years, but when we decide get back up and back in the ring, we are transformed. We are reborn.<br />
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I feel like I'm slowly coming into a little rebirth of my own. Losing someone you love can feel like having the life sucked out of you (Kinda like auditioning again and again, and continuing to be passed over for someone else, maybe even someone less talented than you; that can suck the life out of you too. Or seeing your friends move closer and closer to the finish line of their dreams, while you feel like you are perpetually stuck at the starting line. Yep, life sucker. But I think you get it); and quite frankly when that happens, you don't feel like doing much of anything at all. Now I think it's time to get back into the ring of creativity.<br />
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Over the past few years, I've been feeling the way I will be truly successful in this business of show, is to create my own work. Not sure why, but I feel pretty freaking strongly about it, and I'm learning that when your gut is yelling at you to do something, you probably should do it. I've wanted to be a singer since I can remember, and I also have written songs since I was a kid. True most of them were about farm animals or tropical breezes (yes, I wrote a song called "Tropical Breeze" for a school project in 5th grade. I got an A. I can still sing the chorus and I did the cover art as well, can we say talented?) but those songs were mine. And then sometimes a little idea can creep into your brain and begin to stifle a dream. Let's face it, the music industry is a youth game. And once you hit about 26, or if you don't look like Britney Spears did when she was singing "I'm not that innocent", well then you're screwed. I was in my twenties, and I started to write again, but turns out the few people that I actually I played my music for, well let's just say, they weren't too impressed. Either they just ignored that they had listened at all, which is pretty much the equivalent of getting a haircut, seeing your friend out, and they said "Oh, you got a haircut", end scene (yep, not good). Or they flat out say, "I like your voice, but not those songs". Oh, okay, thanks?! Looking back on it now, I realize that I put aside a dream of mine because two people didn't like what I had to say at the time. That totally sucks. Well, I'm not that same girl. I've learned so much about myself, and people, and the world, and music, and so I'm READY TO TRY AGAIN.<br />
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About a year and a half ago I got a ukulele. I used to play guitar but I have tiny fingers and it turns out the guitar has two strings too many (also I'm a bit of a perfectionist and if I can't learn something easily or quickly, turns out I don't like to do it, like playing a bar chord, ouch)! So I've been writing some songs on my uke and I don't hate them; that in itself feels like a big step. I've decided to take a bigger step and post a link to the first song I wrote on my ukulele last summer. It's just a demo, a blue print if you will, that I recorded on my iPhone (and as you'll hear, if you listen, I'm not a great ukulele player either), it isn't the best quality. It isn't finished, it needs to be arranged with more instruments played by real musicians, but after all the excuses are done, it's mine! And you may hate it, you may judge me, and I may end up feeling like a fool but you know what, I'm okay with that. And some people may read this and think, what's the big deal? Maybe to you, putting yourself out there isn't a big deal. Maybe you look fear in the face everyday and blow right passed it, but most of the time when I look fear in the face I want to go back to bed. No more. True, it's a small step and I still have ways to go and so much to learn, but I refuse to let someone else's opinion interfere with my dreams anymore. <br />
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Please don't feel obligated to tell me you like it (I'm not doing it for an ego boost), and by all means, please DO NOT feel obligated to tell me that you hate it, lol. If it moves you in any way to comment on it, good or bad, please do, I'll listen (no worries, I won't stop writing if you hate it). Quite frankly, I'm not entirely sure why I felt the need to post an unfinished work. But it feels like this blog is about sharing parts of me, and this is me right now. Or maybe I'm being selfish by posting it because I want to do something that scares the shit out of me. Either way, it's time: <br />
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<a href="https://soundcloud.com/jagarrish/the-slaughter-lamb-demo" target="_blank">The Slaughter and the Lamb (demo)</a><br />
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It feels like we need to go through pain and struggles to get to a place of resurrection, and most of time we're our own crucifiers, our own worst enemies. In fact, I can guarantee that the moment I hit publish on this blog, I will beating up myself for thinking that what I posted is in any way good enough for people to hear but here is where I am at, taking risks. I'd like this blog to be a place where I can share my small steps with you, and then you can share your own small steps. I hope we all continue to take risks and do what makes us happy, to look fear in the face and continue on because as far as I know we only get one crack at this life, and we don't get a hell of a lot of time. Even if we get to live to 100, I feel like you'd look back and go "shit, that was fast". I don't want to look back on my life and only see fear, and regrets.<br />
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So to those who celebrate, I'd like to wish you a Happy Resurrection Sunday! And to everyone else, a Happy Rebirth. Let's keep going!<br />
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xoxo<br />
-Jag<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-71166441696051965602013-03-17T21:38:00.000-04:002013-03-17T21:38:16.220-04:00I'M BACK (okay, so I never really left, I've just been in hiding)!I guess we can say that I've been on a self imposed, let's call it a vacay, from this here blog for over a year. Say what now, over a year? Yep, did you miss me? I'll be honest, I kinda missed myself (and I live with me). And just because I haven't published a post, it doesn't mean I haven't thought about it or started to write one, but at the end of the day I just couldn't do it. I've been struggling with a huge loss in my life since April, when my 22 year old niece, Nicole, passed away suddenly from an undiagnosed heart condition; and I just didn't want to share my feelings here, especially because for me I've always thought that no matter what I was struggling with, I wanted to add some sort of positive spin (even if it was the tiniest thing) to my posts, but it just didn't seem like I could squeeze out any positivity to share. And I didn't want to publish one endless depressing post after post. That wouldn't help me, and I don't think it would be something that anyone would want to read, so I didn't...until now.<br />
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Honestly, just because I've decided to bring this little blog back to life once again, doesn't mean I'm healed, or whole, or not in mourning, or not depressed. But it does mean that life has to go on, even if a part of me is forever broken. I'm still here, and I need to carry on with my journey. I'm just a bit heavier...yes, emotionally and yes, physically. C'mon, you didn't think I wasn't going to reach for the brownies/cupcakes/cookies/wine/chips/Taco Bell (I could go on, but I won't because I'm getting hungry, and I need to finish this post before I wait another year)? Ok, forget it, I need a break...<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iq5yEoU3HeU/UUZW77lTjyI/AAAAAAAAAiY/VJRTJ0tAuzc/s1600/photo+(25).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iq5yEoU3HeU/UUZW77lTjyI/AAAAAAAAAiY/VJRTJ0tAuzc/s320/photo+(25).JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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And that, boys and girls, that's what I call comfort! Anyway, getting back, well somewhat, back on track, I've recently realized that I can still blog about my art (Sorry I just threw up in my mouth, partly because I can picture other people gagging at the mere mention of 'my art' and partly because I don't really think of what I do as art, but maybe that's not entirely true either. Please excuse some of these ramblings, I'm a bit rusty with the blog-age). I can still write about my struggles, and my fears, and the baby steps taken, and my failures, my embarrassment, and my successes, but I don't have to share my very personal loss, not yet. I will write about it on here, how could I not? But I'm just not ready yet; and I'm a big believer in all in it's own time. So long story short, I need to write again. It's time!<br />
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To catch y'all up briefly on the last year: over the summer I toured again, this time for a week in Brazil with NYC Players; then we finally brought "Neutral Hero" home to NY last fall to rave reviews from the <i>New York Times</i>...
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eSZ3858L1Bs/UUZDMxpmddI/AAAAAAAAAiA/fBZWi-OamLk/s1600/NH+NY+TIMES+PIC-1.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eSZ3858L1Bs/UUZDMxpmddI/AAAAAAAAAiA/fBZWi-OamLk/s320/NH+NY+TIMES+PIC-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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You can read the full reviews, as well as some more info on my brand spanking new website: <a href="http://www.jeananngarrish.net/">Jean Ann Garrish</a>. I've also been working on some of my own projects, including a music pilot, rewriting my One-Act play into a short film, and music, music, music. From the time I could remember, music is all I wanted to do, and it's taken me a long time to accept that it's okay if not everyone wants to listen to or like what I have to say musically, but it's time to stop listening to the voices of doubt, and put myself out there. I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared shitless, because there's something so personal about it, so it seems a little more painful if someone doesn't like it/you, but if the events of April have taught me anything, we cannot wait to do what we want/love/are meant to do.<br />
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Speaking of putting myself out there, I made a little video to apply for a scholarship for a business marketing school (I didn't win, but I'm okay with that, as it is the time for me to create now, and market later) but it turns out the video says a bunch about where I'm at...<br />
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Whew, that was a chock-full-of-updates, but hey, it's been awhile. And it sure feels good to put myself out here again. Thanks for listening! Now, I've gotta run, I've got that cupcake to eat.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-55357886022362889602012-02-15T00:36:00.035-05:002012-02-19T21:57:02.986-05:00"Let Him Fly" and a few other things...Happy New Year!! Yes, I know, I'm a little late to the party, but I tend to do things on my own timetable (go figure). I had written down some intentions for 2012, and if you read my end of the year blog you might remember seeing this...<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YwukVHb6M8A/Tz_s0ZRQlBI/AAAAAAAAAVI/R4Z5XjBpDUQ/s1600/IMG_0043.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YwukVHb6M8A/Tz_s0ZRQlBI/AAAAAAAAAVI/R4Z5XjBpDUQ/s200/IMG_0043.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5710543237409707026" /></a><br /><br />So how am I doing? Well, I don't really like to judge my progress. Ha, who am I kidding, I judge everything about myself, so don't think I haven't tallied up my successes and failures with these intentions. Biggest failure? How about forgetting I made the list all together. For some reason I thought that if I wrote the list, added a pretty border, and posted it as my computer wallpaper, they would somehow osmosisively (yep, probably not a word and I'm totally okay with that) become a part of my life. Guess what, and I've learned the hard way, if you don't work at something, it ain't gonna get done. That being said, I have accomplished some of these intentions (without remembering I had made them at all) but I won't bore you with all my <span style="font-style:italic;">successful</span> moments, since they are of the tiny, tiny baby step variety. <br /><br />Honestly, I cannot take total credit for all the small progress I've made. Sometimes my friends have, oh shall we say, nudged me to get my butt in gear (do more, think less). Incase I haven't mentioned it, I have great friends, some of them are in this crazy business like myself, and many are not, but that doesn't really matter. What does matter is their love and support, and that they make me do things I don't really want to do, because it's good for me. Last Monday night they dragged me to an open mic. I can't exactly tell you why I didn't want to go, but I just didn't (I know, it's weird for a singer to not want to sing somewhere, right? But that's the fear...what if I'm not perfect (I haven't rehearsed with this pianist, what if people don't like me or worse, ignore me all together)! Singing is truly one of my absolute favorite things to do, like ever...especially when the song it over, lol. The best way I can express it is to say that it's like riding a roller coaster, it's the scariest thing but when you get off the ride, you just cannot wait to do it again, or have a glass of wine). I'm so happy I went. I sang Patty Griffin's "Let Him Fly" and one of my favorite lines in the song is 'It took awhile to understand, the beauty of just letting go'. Ah, letting go! That's really what this post is about.<br /><br />Turns out, the hardest thing on my intention list seems like it would be the easiest. Why the hell is it so hard to let go? Why do I need to feel like I have to control every situation, or the outcome of everything and everyone? It certainly doesn't make me feel better or relaxed or confident when I try to force something to happen. In fact, it makes me more anxious and I feel like utter crap. And let's face it, we can't control much (not another person, not the economy, not winning the lotto, not when we'll have a baby, not when we'll get a new job). Just like I can't control what role I get, whether I'll be on Broadway or on television or win an Oscar, when I'll meet the love of my life, nor if anyone will ever read this or share it with someone else, but I still write it, because the only thing I can control is the showing up (and not just to a place, but actually showing up for myself) and doing my best. Then I have to let it go because the result is out of my hands. A friend's grandmother says "Let Go and Let God" and I love that (I also know, not everyone has a relationship with God, so if you don't feel comfortable with that word, replace it with a word you do feel comfortable with, I'm sure He won't mind)! For me, I know in my heart there is a plan (that everything happens for a reason) and that plan has a much better ending than any one I could dream up, but I still have to show up. And, quite frankly, even though I believe it, it's still really hard to trust it, have faith and to let it go. <br /><br />My nephew posted this on his Facebook page this week and it resonated with me so much, I knew I wanted to include it here, "I have to learn to have enough faith to trust in his grace and to trust in his sovereign and perfect plan. I had to submit my will, my desires, my dreams —give it all up to God." Jeremy Lin said it, and unless you've been living under a rock, I'm sure you've heard of this kid. He plays for the Knicks (and if you have been living under a rock, please google him, he's Linsane). Then in the paper yesterday, he is quoted as saying "I hate having a bad game, so sometimes I need to remind myself just to let everything go and just to be myself, have fun and just give my best effort". Isn't that all any of us can do? Let it go, and maybe even "Let Him Fly"...<br /><br /><iframe width="459" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/BkHrlaU3s2Y?fs=1" frameborder="0" allowFullScreen=""></iframe>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-49198349583975130742011-12-29T23:43:00.027-05:002012-01-01T21:31:22.917-05:00This might be my most vulnerable blog post (and the one I'm most proud of)I've been cleaning things out this past week and it started in my bathroom. I have accumulated a lot of stuff in my life and due to purchasing these <span style="font-style:italic;">mostly</span> useless things, I have found myself in debt. I have spend countless amounts on clothes and makeup and creams and potions all to make myself seem appealing to other people (and I guess in turn to make myself appealing to, well, me).<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Li6uUCxfmyk/Tv1BkRfSCUI/AAAAAAAAATE/2p6VzIvDfA4/s1600/%25231.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Li6uUCxfmyk/Tv1BkRfSCUI/AAAAAAAAATE/2p6VzIvDfA4/s200/%25231.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5691777595491879234" /></a><br /><br />Maybe somebody liked me because of the outfit I was wearing or the bag I had, but I'm guessing probably not (and if they did, most likely they aren't still in my life). So it's time to get rid of that crap. I don't know what made me do it, but I just decided to throw everything out in my bathroom that I don't use anymore (or, in some cases, have never used). Get rid of it, get rid of it all. And then get rid of the idea that if I use this stuff I'll be perfect (that's a little harder than placing a garbage bag in the trash, the idea of perfection, but that's probably a discussion for the shrink that I don't go to, no worries I'm keeping a list of things to discuss with said shrink when I'm wealthy enough to afford one, until then it's just you and me and this blog, kiddos).<br /><br />This was my medicine cabinet:<br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jL-PO7W6Qe8/Tv1Dzh8IMsI/AAAAAAAAATQ/ceF2U2zK2ug/s1600/%25233.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jL-PO7W6Qe8/Tv1Dzh8IMsI/AAAAAAAAATQ/ceF2U2zK2ug/s200/%25233.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5691780056629129922" /></a><br />Not much 'medicine' to be had in there. It was overflowing with things I purchased to change my life (only recently have I realized that you might be able to change what you look like with a $50 cream but it will never seep down deep enough to change how you feel about yourself), wow that is surprisingly deep!<br /><br /><br />I have bought 'firming lotions':<br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_-S9OJFFF28/Tv1FBjAsepI/AAAAAAAAATc/5Iewx1ucIaU/s1600/%25232.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_-S9OJFFF28/Tv1FBjAsepI/AAAAAAAAATc/5Iewx1ucIaU/s200/%25232.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5691781396946516626" /></a><br />because they will make me skinny (lord knows only skinny people enjoy their lives right?) and that will make me attractive and land me a prince and an acting job.<br /><br />I have purchased 'wrinkle creams' before I had an actual wrinkle:<br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Xm1h9ZU6qe4/Tv1FuqR7uvI/AAAAAAAAATo/igKs3W-kCPk/s1600/%25234.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Xm1h9ZU6qe4/Tv1FuqR7uvI/AAAAAAAAATo/igKs3W-kCPk/s200/%25234.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5691782171991980786" /></a><br />because they will make me look eternally young (only young people have fun right?) and that will make me beautiful and land me a movie star boyfriend and a singing job.<br /><br />I have purchased 'bigger lips': <span style="font-style:italic;">*Don't be alarmed, this is a lip gloss and not an actual syringe (my madness has drawn the line at actual plastic surgery)</span><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BitLV9oUWnc/Tv1GX6i0RQI/AAAAAAAAAT0/_iaK4t0vPuA/s1600/%25235.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BitLV9oUWnc/Tv1GX6i0RQI/AAAAAAAAAT0/_iaK4t0vPuA/s200/%25235.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5691782880732398850" /></a><br />because having bigger lips will make me...ugh, I don't even know anymore, what? it would remind people of Angelina Jolie and then see me as more attractive and then blah blah, you get the rest. Writing this makes me sad and angry. Sad that I thought/think so little of myself, that I didn't/don't think I was/am enough. Angry that I let companies and ads and society continue to fool myself into thinking that a quick fix like an extra volume extending mascara will change my life. <br /><br />I know now that it won't...only I can. And I'm working on it. I usually write a blog post at the end of the year with what I think are my biggest accomplishments for that year, and I've had some incredible experiences in 2011. I'm so proud of the things and the work I've done. But I think I might be most proud of this:<br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XgzYOYlPft0/Tv1IIv6soII/AAAAAAAAAUA/lh-kT1FtNu8/s1600/%25236.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XgzYOYlPft0/Tv1IIv6soII/AAAAAAAAAUA/lh-kT1FtNu8/s200/%25236.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5691784819204989058" /></a><br />letting go of things that I DO NOT NEED!!! <br /><br />I'm closing the door on the idea that I need something else or someone else or a huge paycheck or an Academy Award to be enough: <a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Jvi2VoJzs4A/Tv1IlcWU9LI/AAAAAAAAAUM/fxusGcYR3GE/s1600/%25238.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Jvi2VoJzs4A/Tv1IlcWU9LI/AAAAAAAAAUM/fxusGcYR3GE/s200/%25238.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5691785312168375474" /></a><br />I am a work in progress but I also am enough when I'm true to myself, when I'm honest with myself and with other people, when I stand up for what I believe in, when I force myself to look fear in the face and continue on anyway, when I write a blog and hit publish post, when I try something and fail, when I sing a song and I don't sound like, hell, anyone else. I am enough!! We are all enough! Let's start to actually believe and live like it.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">**Let's also be clear that deep down I'm a 'girly girl' (and a product whore) and this doesn't mean I'm not gonna wear makeup or get highlights; it only means that I'm understanding that I don't NEED any of these things to feel better about myself, to know that I'm ENOUGH, or to make people like me, all of my dorky charms do that all on their own, when I let them shine like they are supposed to.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">***This ain't gonna be easy...It's all great to write this when 2012 is still a blank slate that can be filled with anything you want, but the true work comes when all the champagne has been popped and I'm out there trying to be my best, most authentic self and that's when I'll be tested. I'm willing to try (and fail) and continue to share it with you (or if no reads this, myself).</span><br /><br />I wish you (all twelve of you who read this) nothing but the best in the new year...nothing but health and happiness and joy but also the strength, sense of humor and perseverance to pick yourself up if (and let's face it when) you fall. <br /><br />I truly believe 2012 will be a FABULOUS year, maybe one of the best yet (and now I will let go of the fear that I have just jinxed myself by saying that) and say...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! </span> <br /><br />xoxo<br />-Jean Ann<br /><br />Here are my 2012 Intentions:<br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-heIweVAoaoo/Tv5dRJtVOYI/AAAAAAAAAUk/TbRkFGs09jE/s1600/2012%2BIntentions.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-heIweVAoaoo/Tv5dRJtVOYI/AAAAAAAAAUk/TbRkFGs09jE/s200/2012%2BIntentions.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5692089528288098690" /></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-9635654480709923212011-12-18T17:03:00.018-05:002011-12-18T21:43:13.662-05:00I made cookies and no one got hurt...I. DON'T. COOK. I accept it. I hope you can too, without judgement. That being said, I'm completely okay with you judging just how much I enjoy eating, especially really good, fattening food. And if it's good, chances are I didn't have any part of creating it. I do know how to reheat things (I make waffles in the morning in the toaster, but I have burned myself while doing it); and man, you should see me microwave a meal! I can see why people like to cook, I wish I did, but I just really like to eat so much more (my friends joke that as soon as we are done eating one meal we are already thinking about what and when our next meal will be) but this post isn't really about meals. It's about a rare sight: me making something in the kitchen...COOKIES. Yes, I baked some cookies and no fire fighters were called.<br /><br />Every year, since I can remember, my mom makes Butter Cookies (except in our case they should be called Margarine Cookies, but that doesn't really have the same aural appeal). Well, I made me some Butter/Margarine Cookies today and I want to share the recipe. I know I've been a little MIA from this blog. I have written posts but I never got around to hitting the send button...I guess I'm not ready to share those, yet. So as an apology for my absence, please enjoy the recipe (sorry you'll have to make them yourself). Seriously they're like the easiest cookies to make and I'm not really a baker either. Let's begin...<br /><br />INGREDIENTS:<br /> <br />½ lb stick margarine or butter<br />½ cup sugar<br />2 eggs<br />2 ½ cups of flour<br />chocolate chips<br />pinch of salt <br /><br /><br />Put margarine in bowl, then add a pinch of salt and mix it with a fork. Add the eggs, mix those. Then add sugar, mix. Lastly add the flour, a cup at a time. When it gets too hard to mix with the fork, use your hands. As you mix, you may need to add a little more flour until you get the right texture (not too hard, not too soft, the batter should come off your hands easily; well in the best case scenario it shouldn't stick to your hands). <br /><br />Once it’s the right texture put the batter in a cookie press:<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1soMM6_yANc/Tu6GQymlOxI/AAAAAAAAARM/sNVENLRbKg0/s1600/%25231.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1soMM6_yANc/Tu6GQymlOxI/AAAAAAAAARM/sNVENLRbKg0/s200/%25231.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5687631002435140370" /></a><br /><br />Press into a pan and add the chocolate chips:<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pVomd0En3Q0/Tu6GyNn8ziI/AAAAAAAAARY/OstVVTz8E_g/s1600/%25232.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pVomd0En3Q0/Tu6GyNn8ziI/AAAAAAAAARY/OstVVTz8E_g/s200/%25232.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5687631576624320034" /></a><br /><br />Since I've made them for Christmas I use the tree and flower (like a poinsettia plant), there are many other attachments that come with the cookie press and you can use them for other occasions, but I only bake one day a year, in December:<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UngXSK96YQQ/Tu6H5V9ACcI/AAAAAAAAARw/2cBKkU8wndM/s1600/%25233.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UngXSK96YQQ/Tu6H5V9ACcI/AAAAAAAAARw/2cBKkU8wndM/s200/%25233.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5687632798630808002" /></a><br /><br />Put in the oven at 350 degrees and bake for approximately 10 minutes (depends on your oven). Bottom should be browned a little: <br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--xY5IxIldh0/Tu6IJzZT5dI/AAAAAAAAAR8/vbzlgbF1CXs/s1600/%25234.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--xY5IxIldh0/Tu6IJzZT5dI/AAAAAAAAAR8/vbzlgbF1CXs/s200/%25234.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5687633081412085202" /></a><br /><br />Take them out of the oven (this is the hard/dangerous part for me) and then place cookies on a little tray when they are cool enough (you would think this would be self explanatory but you can never be too careful):<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-63zmDayBk24/Tu6IvQ6v1jI/AAAAAAAAASI/u8Dl-Kdro9Y/s1600/%25235.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-63zmDayBk24/Tu6IvQ6v1jI/AAAAAAAAASI/u8Dl-Kdro9Y/s200/%25235.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5687633724992116274" /></a><br /><br />You can add powdered sugar when cooled, and then give some away. This is a good idea because it makes you seem generous but really it makes you makes you eat less cookies, so you'll have less weight to lose in January (you're welcome):<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4eEPqqb1YVc/Tu6JDfQ-TAI/AAAAAAAAASU/8UrboSfgW9U/s1600/%25236.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4eEPqqb1YVc/Tu6JDfQ-TAI/AAAAAAAAASU/8UrboSfgW9U/s200/%25236.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5687634072440818690" /></a><br /><br />Holy crap, they look normal and even taste good. It's another Christmas miracle!<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Wu-GI71tcqg/Tu6L3JGuGGI/AAAAAAAAASs/PhXzcb4JVpA/s1600/tree.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Wu-GI71tcqg/Tu6L3JGuGGI/AAAAAAAAASs/PhXzcb4JVpA/s200/tree.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5687637158868686946" /></a>ENJOY!!!! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, etc. Celebrate!! Celebrate some thing each day, you're still here, you might as well enjoy it. Eat a cookie (or a handful), even if I made it!<br /><br />Til next time!<br /><br />xoxoAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-42327191895993425152011-09-26T11:31:00.016-04:002011-09-28T09:17:24.500-04:00À la prochaine Paris...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lNSD24z2UXc/ToGgsSWuv-I/AAAAAAAAAPo/8CYS6MH_--4/s1600/IMG_2199.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lNSD24z2UXc/ToGgsSWuv-I/AAAAAAAAAPo/8CYS6MH_--4/s320/IMG_2199.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5656979289655918562" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Until next time!</span><br /><br />Well, we bid Paris adieu on Monday morning and when I sat down at my computer in my hotel room in Evry (which is a tiny suburb of Paris, where we are doing one show tonight), I came across a quote. Truth be told, the quote may or may not have been on my phone in the form of a text message from a horoscope site that I may or may not subscribe to (it's free). And it may or may not have been from a few days ago and I never saw it. But whatever it may or may not be, I loved it immediately: <span style="font-weight:bold;">"Just because there's a wall in front of you doesn't mean that your journey is over!"</span> <br /><br />So many times we hit a wall (physical or otherwise) and think, 'Well, that's it, I cannot possibly get past it. Might as well go right, or left, or hell, just go back'. But I believe we can push over the wall, if we really want to. Hell, why not just knock the damn thing down. It won't be easy! And it probably won't happen like a bulldozer at one fell swoop, but it can be chipped away, tiny piece by tiny piece. And maybe when you get to the other side, you'll find that it isn't even what you were looking for, but I know I'll be much happier seeing it for myself and deciding that it's not what I want, instead of wondering just what was on the other side of that stupid thing. That's just how I am.<br /><br />I've hit many a wall on this journey as a performer (let's not even get into the walls I've hit in my personal life) and they've been in all different shapes and sizes. Some walls were about getting a gig, others happened when I've gotten one. I've even hit a few walls while on this amazing tour. That being said, I was just in Paris, hitting walls there hurt a little less...<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dZQU8TIN2Rs/ToHgcIcf1nI/AAAAAAAAAPw/nFjtw27CP0s/s1600/036.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dZQU8TIN2Rs/ToHgcIcf1nI/AAAAAAAAAPw/nFjtw27CP0s/s320/036.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5657049380862023282" /></a><br />Sometimes getting over or through the wall is just about staying in the moment. A few of the shows at the <span style="font-weight:bold;">Pompidou</span> were really difficult for me. Physically, I didn't feel at my best and my mind was getting the better of me ("you're getting sick", "you're not going to be able to do this", "you're gonna have to go home") but I had to try and shut that talk off and remember where I was in the moment. I needed to be with the 11 other people I was on stage with and the people in those seats. Now, I'm not superwoman, I didn't stay present in every second, but I fought and I got through it. I got over a wall. <br /><br />And lets face it, there were times in my life where I hit a rough patch in my career and could've turned back. It would have been much easier than going forward, but if I did, I wouldn't be here. And it is a pretty awesome place to be right now...<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cDA5hvGdC48/ToHjLzuzozI/AAAAAAAAAQA/EFPT2LSetm4/s1600/037.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cDA5hvGdC48/ToHjLzuzozI/AAAAAAAAAQA/EFPT2LSetm4/s320/037.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5657052398958650162" /></a><br />I don't know a whole lot about a whole lot, but I know that I'm gonna keep hitting walls on this journey, and so are you, but I'd like to see what's on the other side. It might be pretty nice...<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rMOjvDNu2fg/ToHj6rO2uSI/AAAAAAAAAQI/n6edMDmdLh0/s1600/027.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rMOjvDNu2fg/ToHj6rO2uSI/AAAAAAAAAQI/n6edMDmdLh0/s320/027.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5657053204131002658" /></a><br />You bet your sweet tooth that that is my dessert! I'm assuming a detox will be in order sometime mid-October. :)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-58396063513040787232011-09-17T05:40:00.009-04:002011-09-20T06:00:13.702-04:00Ahhh, Geneve<span style="font-weight:bold;">FALL TOUR BLOG: Geneva</span> <span style="font-style:italic;">I figured I'd do some small blog updates from tour (when I can), so just to preface them, these won't be very profound or soul searching (or very grammatically correct) entries, but I hope you like 'em anyway!</span> <br /><br />Well week one of the our "Neutral Hero" Fall Tour has come to an end. It's interesting getting back into the swing of things. It should feel like picking up where we left off but it somehow doesn't. There's almost a rebooting of things. And it has actually taken me about 4 days to realize that I'm on tour again and to feel comfortable in it. If you don't really know me, you won't know that I have some 'issues' with change (so it usually takes a few days in a new city to adjust). I know that it is imperative to have change, in fact it is probably the best thing for us, but I like comfort and change doesn't usually have a lot of that (until the change becomes part of us)!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iPa6dUMuDs0/TnhgNsFwwBI/AAAAAAAAAPA/BVz2CBEcguU/s1600/IMG_2065.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iPa6dUMuDs0/TnhgNsFwwBI/AAAAAAAAAPA/BVz2CBEcguU/s320/IMG_2065.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654375120453550098" /></a><br /><br />Another reason I think I felt a bit out of sorts is because the group of people I usually spent the most time with last tour (we call ourselves 'The Supper Club', for obvious reasons) were staying in an apartment building about 10 minutes away. Their place was right on the river (not exactly right here but this a lovely pic of the river)...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jwIAQ2oSkOM/Tnhg-A5dJSI/AAAAAAAAAPI/Uu8jnPB8UCQ/s1600/IMG_2085.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jwIAQ2oSkOM/Tnhg-A5dJSI/AAAAAAAAAPI/Uu8jnPB8UCQ/s320/IMG_2085.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654375950672799010" /></a><br /><br />One of my main goals for this tour was to be in the moment (which is really hard, both on stage and off) and I'm not sure I succeeded, as I felt like I was constantly looking forward to Paris while in Geneva, but each day is another day with many more moments to cherish.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XSO5yOJ1cyU/Tnhjrgmh2aI/AAAAAAAAAPg/Giu_Av0zlP8/s1600/IMG_2123.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XSO5yOJ1cyU/Tnhjrgmh2aI/AAAAAAAAAPg/Giu_Av0zlP8/s320/IMG_2123.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654378931300719010" /></a><br /><br />All that said, it feels fantastic to be doing this show again with this groups of people. It is such a special piece, and I get more and more from it each time we perform it. I really hope we get to bring it to NY and share it with you, but right now this moment is in Paris...Oui, Oui! :)<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Hi5OX3_lAhw/Tnhi7LSXGrI/AAAAAAAAAPY/IwASDl5uPeA/s1600/IMG_2154.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Hi5OX3_lAhw/Tnhi7LSXGrI/AAAAAAAAAPY/IwASDl5uPeA/s320/IMG_2154.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654378100945263282" /></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-29406842206813433862011-08-29T22:27:00.013-04:002011-09-01T23:48:38.552-04:00What’s in a name?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-omEkIUVzLx4/Tl8PU0KCYcI/AAAAAAAAAOY/oQYocUWFoJc/s1600/Jeanamne.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-omEkIUVzLx4/Tl8PU0KCYcI/AAAAAAAAAOY/oQYocUWFoJc/s320/Jeanamne.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5647249308018434498" /></a>
<br />What’s in a name?
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<br />I would assume that when you are expecting a bundle of joy, you would have a bevy of names waiting. Granted I have no children, nor am I expecting to be expecting any time soon (Hey, I’m not even 100% sure I want kids. They’re a lot of work and they’re your responsibility for a lifetime, but I digress). Yet even I have a few ideas of what I would name my children, if said hypothetical children were actually to be born. However, my parents apparently did not prepare. In fact, my mom so strongly believed I was a boy that she had decided my name was to be Michael. There were no alternatives. So when, lo and behold, I turned out to be a girl, they were up the proverbial creek. I know what you’re thinking, They should have named you Michelle. Yes that would have been the logical thing to do. Well, they didn’t. Amelia, my mother, emphatically rejected that choice. It got so bad that the nurse actually said “If you want to take this baby home tomorrow you need to pick a name.” It was then, as legend has it she, my mom, not the nurse, turned to my father and said “Her name is Jean Ann. That’s it.” Perhaps she was still hopped up on pain meds because no one has any idea where in the world she got this name from. And every time I meet someone in a noisy place and repeat my name three times until I finally just agree with whatever the last thing they called me, I secretly and sarcastically, thank her.
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<br />Just last week while in a bar someone asked my name and for a second I thought, let me make this easy on everyone involved and say something simple like Marie or Liz, but my friends would have thought I was insane, so I said Jean Ann and of course he said “What?”. So I tried again, this time with more emphasis on each word, “Jean__Ann”. “Gina?” he asked. “No” I smiled, and said it again, slower now with more feeling “J-E-A-N A-N-N”. Lightbulb! “Oh! Jean Ann, like two names”! Hallelujah. And as the conversation died and I felt semi-exhausted from the effort that had been wasted, it got me thinking what exactly is in a name. How important is it really?
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<br />Let’s face it, you didn’t have a choice about it unless you legally hated it so much that you changed it, or you have an alter ego like Beyonce’s Sasha Fierce (or Roxy Strago?), but it’s something that you are stuck with forever. You also have a last name, I know you can call me Captain Obvious, but it’s what you share with the rest of your crazy family. Some people can’t wait to get rid of it as soon as possible, but for me it’s something I hold dear. I’ve always been proud to be a Garrish. And since my dad passed away in 2006 it means that much more to me. I want to celebrate my name, to make him proud, to carry it on for the family. But what happens if and when I get married?
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wCdvvmPxngU/Tl8PhkPyyJI/AAAAAAAAAOg/kdWimwXrF0A/s1600/Jeanane.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wCdvvmPxngU/Tl8PhkPyyJI/AAAAAAAAAOg/kdWimwXrF0A/s320/Jeanane.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5647249527085910162" /></a>
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<br />Growing up, I, like many other little girls, held on to the romantic belief that a tall, handsome prince would sweep me off my feet and we’d live happily ever after. How could it not happen? It did for every Disney princess, as well as every female character in every romantic comedy I’ve ever seen (I think shrinks sound give money to companies that make these things, they must have send a bunch of us ladies into therapy) and hey I had a leg up, I didn’t live with seven little men and I most certainly did not have a fin. Well, a few, ahem, years later, my prince has apparently gotten lost and is without a reliable GPS system. So I continue to live and enjoy my life as a singleton. And with each year that passes I accomplish more and more. So why should I have to give that up? Okay, I know I’m getting ahead of myself because I’m thinking about something that may not even happen. Shouldn’t I wait until someone puts a ring on it before I analyze this? Maybe, but that’s just not me.
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<br />When I lost my dad there was a part of me that felt like I had lost a part of myself. He, along with my mom, was one of the few people who had always loved me unconditionally. I knew in my heart of hearts there was nothing I could do that would change how he felt about me or just how much he loved me. And believe me; I’ve heard the story of when my parents were both 40 and I unexpectedly came on the scene. He was none too happy. I’m not sure when he’s feelings changed, I’d like to think it was before my arrival, but I knew from the time I was a little girl I would always be <span style="font-style:italic;">his</span> little girl. Then he was gone, far too soon, no cure. How could this happen? Who would now love me for exactly me?
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<br />People always want to change you. Make you into who they think you are or should be; especially in the entertainment business. And as an actress, I have come across more than a few people who have thought I didn’t have the “look”, whatever that is. I once met with a manager who pretty much hated everything about me & the way I looked. She actually was the subject of my very first post on this blog, I think she was the reason I started writing it, so I guess I should thank her? (http://roxystrago.blogspot.com/2009/06/who-is-roxy-strago-let-me-know-when-you.html). In brief, I was told that I'm not beautiful, but rather I was pleasant looking. I needed to lose weight, change my hair and makeup, be more glamorous, maybe get colored contacts, make my eyebrows thicker, my eyelashes longer. And that was not the first time someone in the industry has been critical of my appearance. One time an agent told me my teeth were too white. Um, seriously? Is that even a possibility? Apparently so! She 'might' work with me as long as I made changes.
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xloShX10uzM/Tl8QICW9h8I/AAAAAAAAAOo/mMoZ42--kIg/s1600/ginane.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xloShX10uzM/Tl8QICW9h8I/AAAAAAAAAOo/mMoZ42--kIg/s320/ginane.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5647250188004067266" /></a>
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<br />Now I'm not telling you this to get compliments from you, I'm telling you because it's bullshit! As an actor I'm always trying to improve. Had she said I think you should take this class, it will make you a better performer. Or learn this monologue because it will stretch you, I would have considered it, but changing everything about myself just to get my foot in some door isn't ok with me. Maybe that's why I haven't found that big commitment yet, because I'm scared of someone wanting to change who I am. I'm scared of losing me, I guess (technically I also have commitment issues, but that's a subject for another blog, another day). And Lord knows there are many things I’d like to change about myself, but it should be up to me to make those changes (or not) and no one else.
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<br />A few years ago while celebrating my birthday, a friend and I got into a discussion about relationships. He pretty much told me I’m an idiot, well that was implied, and then he told me that I could find a man that would support my dreams and goals, and wouldn’t make me give anything up. I’ve never forgotten that conversation and I still wonder if he really exists, because I haven't found him yet, but if and when I do, I hope he'll be like my dad (not look like him because obviously that would be creepy and weird). But I hope he has integrity, faith, strength, a fierce loyalty, a sense of humor but most importantly, I can only hope he loves me with a quarter of the amount of unconditional love my dad had for me. And at the risk of sounding greedy, I pray he never wants to change me (or my name) because I’m Jean Ann Garrish and that’s all I ever have to be. Thank God, because it’s all I can ever be! And I’m pretty okay with that.
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0MpHujseLpQ/Tl-9klsLjFI/AAAAAAAAAOw/-LKal_Fp0Gs/s1600/jag%2Bname.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0MpHujseLpQ/Tl-9klsLjFI/AAAAAAAAAOw/-LKal_Fp0Gs/s320/jag%2Bname.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5647440894036249682" /></a>
<br />*<span style="font-style:italic;">my barista knows me by name and actually never asked me how to spell it...she's just a genius it seems!</span>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-51936957397907614662011-07-24T23:41:00.022-04:002011-08-15T01:07:26.136-04:00My life in shelves...MY LIFE IS LIKE THESE SHELVES...
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<br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l8w8_G907tA/TjoiGjRSrCI/AAAAAAAAAI0/fSdow83bh1U/s1600/BOOKS.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l8w8_G907tA/TjoiGjRSrCI/AAAAAAAAAI0/fSdow83bh1U/s320/BOOKS.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5636855379549924386" /></a>
<br />Packed! Cluttered! Disorganized! Messy!
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<br />I recently came to the realization that I don't finish everything I start (okay fine, it's not a recent revelation, and if I'm being honest, it's probably more like I don't 'finish' the majority of the things I start). Case in point, this little blog. Last entry before this one? That would be Thanksgiving 2010. Wow, way to give it my all, right?!
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<br />Not convinced? Okay, I'm currently reading at least five books. I keep going to the next one thinking it'll be better than the one I'm reading at the moment (could this be a window into my psychology??? Hmm.)
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<br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w5REJ4AtjW8/Tjohz3W5uCI/AAAAAAAAAIs/i5TqRHj43aw/s1600/bookcase.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w5REJ4AtjW8/Tjohz3W5uCI/AAAAAAAAAIs/i5TqRHj43aw/s320/bookcase.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5636855058524649506" /></a>
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<br />Wanna take a guess on how many of these books and plays on my bookshelf that I've actually read? Or how many I've actually finished once I started? Not a good percentage I'm sure. Sometimes I think I start things because I think it's gonna make this huge transformation in my life and when it doesn't happen immediately (or easily) I'm on to the next thing. There was the time when I was going to make jewelry and sell it online. Or the time I decided I'd earn extra money making greeting cards (you should have seen the glitter on my floor). I've spent a big majority of my money (and accumulated debt), not to mention the amount of time, on things I wanted to do and never finished.
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<br />How about the guitar lessons I started to take and well, you guessed it, never finished? Sure I can play a few songs and even sing along, but that's only because most pop songs have 4 chords in them and if I sing loud enough, I can kinda fake 'em. P.S. I have three guitars. That's right THREE and I can't play any one of them proficiently. So now this summer I got a ukulele because I think it will be awesome to play. And how many times have I played it so far? Oh maybe, twice, but for the record, I haven't given up on this one, so there is still hope! :)
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<br />Yeah, it's true, I don't finish everything I start, but I also don't give up on things that I truly want! Oh, there have been more than a few hiccups and doubts along the way, but I'm NOT not finishing this. I can't. And what exactly is finishing anyway? Isn't finishing the end? Do we really want that? Isn't it the process that we learn from? I think this blog post is a reminder to me that the things that are most important to us are the things we will stick to no matter how much work there is to do (or how many obstacles we face). We can never truly finish...we just continue on and learn from our missteps. I'm not a quitter on myself and you shouldn't be one on you either. There's something in all of us that we truly want and we it owe it to ourselves, and others, to go get it! And hell, those books will still be there for me when I want to finish them, but right now I'm a little busy with some other things.
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<br />And here's the little guy:
<br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZqNs5TMSudo/Tjoe1O04ldI/AAAAAAAAAIk/4mD6iJwQILI/s1600/uke.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZqNs5TMSudo/Tjoe1O04ldI/AAAAAAAAAIk/4mD6iJwQILI/s320/uke.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5636851783469405650" /></a>
<br />He's cute, isn't he?! I'll keep you posted on our progress but in the meantime, just to prove to myself that I can let go of some of my perfectionism, I'm uploading a recording I made on my ipod the first night I played it. Lord knows it's bad, embarrassing even, but its a work in progress, just like me:
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<br /><a href="http://soundcloud.com/jagarrish/i-cant-help-falling-in-love/s-yHfCK"></a>
<br />http://soundcloud.com/jagarrish/i-cant-help-falling-in-love/s-yHfCK
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-52399908323247190482010-11-24T16:51:00.009-05:002010-11-26T11:57:12.692-05:00Giving Thanks...even if sometimes things suck!HAPPY THANKSGIVING (Well, happy day after! I mean, how could I write when I had so much eating to do? And believe me, there wasn't a dish left untasted, except for anything with fruit, I don't eat the fruit)!! Anyway, I have decided to be more grateful for the things I have, even if they aren't exactly as I would like them to be (let's face it, nothing and nobody is perfect, except for maybe Clooney). It seemed appropriate to start on Thanksgiving (or the day after, see above food coma explanation) and so it is my intention to express my thanks everyday for a specific thing (no matter how small, or silly it may seem to others) until December 31st. I will try to make a daily thankful blog post but lets face it, I'm lazy so don't get your hopes up, but I will make a shout out on my Facebook status for the thing I'm grateful for: http://www.facebook.com/#!/JAGarrish<br /><br /><br />DAY #1: I'm grateful for the gift of music (and for a moment that changed my life). I hope you enjoy the story below (I wrote it in a writing class I took this fall)! And be grateful for something today, maybe while you are waiting on a completely ridiculous long line at the mall. Hey, at least you aren't at work like I am (Yes, I'm grateful for my job, but let's not be too thankful on the first day, I gotta space it out):<br /><br /><br />As the lights went down, I clutched the sleeve of my jacket and my excitement grew. I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen, but I had a strong feeling I was going to like it. Why wouldn’t I? Music has always been a part of my life since I was old enough to remember hearing a song play on the radio. I sang around my house, into my hair brush, as well as other various substitutes for a microphone ( I was too shy to talk to someone I didn’t know but give me a song and watch me go). Sometimes you could find me making up songs about farm animals, though I’m not sure what my obsession with farm animals was about. And it wasn’t unusual to find me and the neighborhood kids putting on shows in our backyards, much to the chagrin of our parents. Come to think of it, I don’t think we sold one ticket, nor did we ever perform for an audience but boy did we rehearse for that show. I can clearly remember lip-synching, before it had a name and dancing my improvised choreography to “What a Feeling” from the movie Flashdance on the white cracked pavement of the Miale’s driveway. Man I had some really good moves. I also remember the first cassette album I ever bought, I don’t know where I got the money for it but I can still smell the plastic as I held that tape with Madonna’s picture on the front. Or my brother giving me the 45 of Elton John’s Little Jeannie, because they way he sang it kinda sounded like Little Jean Ann. That’s our story and we’re sticking to it.<br /><br /><br />So as a ten year old sitting in my red plush seat with my parents and my aunt, I was overwhelmed by the Cole Porter overture that had begun to play. Of course I had no idea who Cole Porter was at that time, but after that night I would never forget him. Nor would I forget the magnificent Patti LuPone. That lady knocked it out of the park. They say you never forget your first and it’s true. I may not remember what I was wearing or how close we were to the stage and I cannot recall the smell of the theatre or whether I got candy during the intermission, but I’ll never forget the moment I sat in my seat during the song “Anything Goes” and with absolute joy in my heart I said to myself, This is what I want to do for the rest of my life. <br /><br /><br />It’s still like nothing else in the world. Going to see live theatre and being transported to another world. That tiny moment when the lights go down and the first chord is played, or the timpani of the drum is heard can send shivers down my spine in a totally good way. Music in general has such a strong hold on me. It can bring me back to a moment in my life within 4 seconds, it can bring a smile to my face quicker than finding a $20 in my pants pocket, and it can also break my heart. It is truly the universal language and when I get the opportunity to sing I know it’s where I’m supposed to be. I feel completely alive. <br /><br /><br />I may not be on Broadway yet, nor have I won an Academy Award, but that hasn’t stopped me from making my dreams come true, for I believe once you are given the gift of a dream it is your duty to follow through until you either make that dream a reality or until the dream no longer has a hold on your heart. That one moment in a darkened theatre changed that child’s life forever (not sure had my dad known it would make me want to be a performer, he would have rethought the purchase of those tickets) but I’m grateful for that moment every day, even when I struggle with the disappointments, the let downs, the hurts and the tears, it has shaped my life for the better and I was never the same.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-23007196425357679062010-09-20T12:44:00.018-04:002010-09-27T00:00:13.489-04:00all limitations are self-imposedHappy Fall!! Happy new season! Perhaps it can be seen as a happy new beginning? I'll be honest, I'm surprised I remembered my password (well it took me about five minutes) because its been quite awhile since I actually sat down to write my thoughts for the good old blog world. But let's not dwell on the negative, THE BLOG IS BACK, so let's move forward shall we? Because I've started running!! Yep, you read that correctly, I started running!! Always wanted to be "runner", never thought I could.<br /><br />Okay, okay, let's not kid ourselves, I've been jogging for a few minutes but I've started a program where you add on to the amount of time you run each week until you get to the 9th week when you are hopefully jogging/running for thirty minutes straight (not sure what happens after that, but I don't want to get too ahead of myself, since I just finished week 2). I then decided I would post my distance and times on my facebook page to continue to motivate myself, and I got some mixed reviews (including a few comments, that were supposedly written for "encouragement" but to me, were anything but). And I started to feel bad about myself and embarrassed about my time, and then stupid for posting it at all. <br /><br />But then I started to get some really supportive comments. Like the one from my dear friend Ashley who said "don't listen to them Jean Ann!! Everyone started from somewhere. I started running at age 30 and it took me three weeks to be able to run a mile straight. And you know I just completed my first Olympic Triathlon this year!! My run pace, after swimming a mile and biking 25, was about a 10 minute mile, for six miles. <strong>Just go girl</strong>!!" And Pete, an old friend from high school who reminded me to not "listen to anyone giving you crap about time / distance. <strong>You're not running a race against them.</strong> Start small, listen to your body and keep at it. Looking forward to seeing more updates! :)"<br />Thank God for supportive people!<br /><br />I know it won't happen in a week, which is why I'm starting out small and adding on each week. And as I was jogging along at my (very) slow pace it hit me, the idea that I wasn't a runner came from me and I'm the only one who can change that. And if I can do this, <strong>I can change anything else that I didn't think I was, or could be, or could do</strong>! What I think about running is a metaphor for all the other limitations that I have placed upon myself. The fact that I think I'm not pretty enough to be on TV/film, or that I don't have the vocal range to be on Broadway or any other negative thought that has jumped from my mind, crossed into my real life and thus has affected my career in a less than positive way came from me. And since I was the one who placed these things out there, I'm the only one that can change them!! Just like running, I'll have to start small, but I believe I'll do it! <br /><br />I'll leave you with a video that another high school friend/runner, Suzanne, posted on her Facebook page that was so inspiring (God what did we do before you FB?)! I think it's not only about running but about doing anything that you've wanted to do but have let your limiting beliefs about yourself stop you. So what do you want to do? Decide and then take Ashley's advice and "Just go girl" or boy!! Just do it! :)<br /><br /><br /><strong>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SbXgQqbOoU&feature=player_embedded</strong>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-35581151348887019282010-07-11T17:56:00.032-04:002010-08-09T21:55:44.502-04:00AND THE PURPOSE??Ever wonder why you are here? Like, what's your purpose? I started writing this post on July 11th and now its August 9th. So apparently publishing this post isn't one of mine. I kid of course. I'm not sure why I could never press the "PUBLISH POST" button but its almost been a month and I just haven't done it. Sure I've been busy but I've actually sat down to write and edit this thing and it never felt worthy (not sure its there yet, but I can't keep sitting on it. It needs to get out.) Maybe because its pretty personal to me. I didn't think I was afraid to publish it but maybe I was. When you write about yourself, you put it out there and that can lead to criticisms (something most of us don't really enjoy). Maybe I didn't think the conclusion was good enough. I'll explain later**.<br /><br /><strong>PURPOSE</strong>...Dictionary.com defines it as "the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc." 'Dictionary.com?' you say. I know, I know, but hey, they had the best definition! "<strong>Why am I here</strong>"? Its a pretty good question. We've all gotta be here for a reason right? I've been thinking about it, I guess in part because my birthday passed recently (well at this point, its been over a month, but like I said I started writing this in the beginning of July). Birthdays can bring alot of feelings to the surface. They can make you think about your life and what you are doing with it, and what you have done with it, and what you are going to (or should) do with it. <br /><br />Sometimes we are all so busy and have soo much on our plates, juggling millions of things at once (ask <em>dictionary.com</em> for the definition of multi-taskers and our entire society would appear) it can be difficult to remember or fully see what we should be doing (and by that I mean, what we should be doing for our own selves). I know I get overwhelmed sometimes with all I have to do: a day job, classes, the other job trying to make my dreams of being a full time performer a reality, writing this blog occasionally, all the while trying to have some semblance of a social life and to have a little fun. And it gets hard for me to just focus on one thing and give it 100% so that I can actually get something accomplished. Sometimes with all the everyday things we NEED to do in life, we forget why we are really here. So I'm gonna ask the question, what the hell is my purpose? Feel free to offer your suggestions and get back to me! ;)<br /><br />I was actually a little surprised that I still needed to clarify it, if not figure it out all together, because I've always thought I knew what I was supposed to be doing since I was a little kid. I guess when you aren't automatically a 'success' at it (whatever that means to you), you start to second guess it. Am I doing the wrong thing? Wasting my time? Maybe it would help to construct a bit of a mission statement, to help shed some light on it or to simplify it so that its more easily attainable.<br /><br />So I decided to do a little experiment. Its called "The Life Purpose Exercise" by Arnold M. Patent, who is a spiritual coach and author.<br /><br />_____________________________________________________<br /><br /><br /><blockquote></blockquote>THE LIFE PURPOSE EXERCISE:<br />1. List two of your unique personal qualities, such as <em>enthusiasm</em> and <br /><em>creativity</em>.<br /><br />_____________________________ _____________________________<br /><br />2. List one or two ways you enjoy expressing those qualities when interacting <br />with others, such as to support and to inspire.<br /><br />_____________________________ _____________________________<br /><br />3. Assume the world is perfect right now. What does this world look like? How <br />is everyone interacting with everyone else? What does it feel like? Write your<br />answer as a statement, in the present tense, describing the ultimate <br />condition, the perfect world as you see it and feel it. Remember, a perfect<br />world is a fun place to be.<br /><br /><blockquote></blockquote><br />EXAMPLE: <em>Everyone is freely expressing<br />their own unique talents. Everyone is working in harmony.<br />Everyone is expressing love.</em> <br /><br />______________________________________________<br /><br /><br /><br />4. Combine the three prior subdivisions of this paragraph into a single<br />statement.<br /><br /><blockquote></blockquote><br />EXAMPLE: <em>My purpose is to use my creatively and enthusiasm <br />to support and inspire other to freely express their talents in<br />a harmonious and loving way.</em><br /><br />_______________________________________________<br /><br /><br /><br />So whatcha get?? I'm so curious! Well quite frankly I'm nosey. I get it from my mom, well I'm totally blaming it on her anyway (why not?)! Here's what I came up with...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">My Purpose is to use my humor and compassion to entertain and inspire people to be who they are in a loving and joyful way!</span><br /><br />Great. I got it all figured out now! So what the hell do I do now? (to be continued throughout my life I guess...)<br /><br /><br /><br />**And maybe I was nervous to put this out there because to sum up your purpose in one sentence can seem almost trivial, or maybe its because I feel people would judge what I came up with, or maybe I was scared because putting it out there meant that I need to actually start living my purpose fully. And being who you truly are is a big responsibility.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7655777370422659958.post-81578367481800005322010-07-05T00:11:00.017-04:002010-07-06T00:42:19.822-04:00DO IT!!!!!So another birthday has come and gone and I don't feel a day over 18, ok 21. I had a great time celebrating but I had a really rough night before my birthday. I know that I have a wonderful life and I'm right where I should be (yadda, yadda, yadda), but that doesn't mean that I still don't have to look dissappointment in the eye and face it head on. Something silly happened (silly like getting snubbed by a dumb boy) but it hit me at the wrong time and I felt old and ugly and sad and well, dissappointed. Awww, feel bad for me, cause I certainly did!! ;)<br /><br />Then I woke up on friday and it was MY DAY, yay (yes, I'm a baby) lol. I ate a bagel, cause it's my birthday, so kiss my ass, diet! And as I read through the paper, I got to the horoscopes. I don't remember what the horoscope was for that day but <em>The Post</em> (ya, I read The Post, they gots the good gossip) gives you an extra horoscope on your birthday. This is what my (along with fellow Strong Islander Lindsay Lohan's) bday horoscope was:<br /><br /><blockquote><em> <a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_qsDILj_Cb6g/TDFboRWLmAI/AAAAAAAAADI/BYjQEEgrIv8/s1600/horoscope+%2710.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 234px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_qsDILj_Cb6g/TDFboRWLmAI/AAAAAAAAADI/BYjQEEgrIv8/s320/horoscope+%2710.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5490270168150677506" /></a></em></blockquote><br /><br />Are you kidding me?? Dear horoscope writer, did you write this just for me? Cause wow, I NEEDED to hear that. My whole perspective changed in a moment!! And you wanna know what my dream was when I was little? <strong>I wanted to be a singer!</strong> And so you know what I'm gonna focus on? That's right...SINGING (you are brillant, dear readers)!! I've been told before that I should be focusing on singing but I guess I just didn't know where I fit in with it. Pop music is a youth game (I lost out on my chance around the tender age of 26, which isn't really that long ago (I might add lol) and I don't have the <em>belt</em> that they want for Broadway. But I do have a voice and its a damn good one. So even though I don't know where I fit in, I will sing and I will see where that takes me, because singing (and music) brings me joy!!<br /><br />What did you want to be when you were little? What did you love? What DO you love? Figure it out and then DO IT!!! Even if it's for just a moment, or as a hobby, just do it!! Joy is an amazing thing, and joy brings more joy. Who knows where your joy will take you! Wherever it is, I hope it is magical!!<br /><br />-RS<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_qsDILj_Cb6g/TDKoYoGMHTI/AAAAAAAAADQ/oK-8Dzodrhs/s1600/IMG_1402.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_qsDILj_Cb6g/TDKoYoGMHTI/AAAAAAAAADQ/oK-8Dzodrhs/s320/IMG_1402.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5490636036751760690" /></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14115376171981822622noreply@blogger.com0