So how am I doing? Well, I don't really like to judge my progress. Ha, who am I kidding, I judge everything about myself, so don't think I haven't tallied up my successes and failures with these intentions. Biggest failure? How about forgetting I made the list all together. For some reason I thought that if I wrote the list, added a pretty border, and posted it as my computer wallpaper, they would somehow osmosisively (yep, probably not a word and I'm totally okay with that) become a part of my life. Guess what, and I've learned the hard way, if you don't work at something, it ain't gonna get done. That being said, I have accomplished some of these intentions (without remembering I had made them at all) but I won't bore you with all my successful moments, since they are of the tiny, tiny baby step variety.
Honestly, I cannot take total credit for all the small progress I've made. Sometimes my friends have, oh shall we say, nudged me to get my butt in gear (do more, think less). Incase I haven't mentioned it, I have great friends, some of them are in this crazy business like myself, and many are not, but that doesn't really matter. What does matter is their love and support, and that they make me do things I don't really want to do, because it's good for me. Last Monday night they dragged me to an open mic. I can't exactly tell you why I didn't want to go, but I just didn't (I know, it's weird for a singer to not want to sing somewhere, right? But that's the fear...what if I'm not perfect (I haven't rehearsed with this pianist, what if people don't like me or worse, ignore me all together)! Singing is truly one of my absolute favorite things to do, like ever...especially when the song it over, lol. The best way I can express it is to say that it's like riding a roller coaster, it's the scariest thing but when you get off the ride, you just cannot wait to do it again, or have a glass of wine). I'm so happy I went. I sang Patty Griffin's "Let Him Fly" and one of my favorite lines in the song is 'It took awhile to understand, the beauty of just letting go'. Ah, letting go! That's really what this post is about.
Turns out, the hardest thing on my intention list seems like it would be the easiest. Why the hell is it so hard to let go? Why do I need to feel like I have to control every situation, or the outcome of everything and everyone? It certainly doesn't make me feel better or relaxed or confident when I try to force something to happen. In fact, it makes me more anxious and I feel like utter crap. And let's face it, we can't control much (not another person, not the economy, not winning the lotto, not when we'll have a baby, not when we'll get a new job). Just like I can't control what role I get, whether I'll be on Broadway or on television or win an Oscar, when I'll meet the love of my life, nor if anyone will ever read this or share it with someone else, but I still write it, because the only thing I can control is the showing up (and not just to a place, but actually showing up for myself) and doing my best. Then I have to let it go because the result is out of my hands. A friend's grandmother says "Let Go and Let God" and I love that (I also know, not everyone has a relationship with God, so if you don't feel comfortable with that word, replace it with a word you do feel comfortable with, I'm sure He won't mind)! For me, I know in my heart there is a plan (that everything happens for a reason) and that plan has a much better ending than any one I could dream up, but I still have to show up. And, quite frankly, even though I believe it, it's still really hard to trust it, have faith and to let it go.
My nephew posted this on his Facebook page this week and it resonated with me so much, I knew I wanted to include it here, "I have to learn to have enough faith to trust in his grace and to trust in his sovereign and perfect plan. I had to submit my will, my desires, my dreams —give it all up to God." Jeremy Lin said it, and unless you've been living under a rock, I'm sure you've heard of this kid. He plays for the Knicks (and if you have been living under a rock, please google him, he's Linsane). Then in the paper yesterday, he is quoted as saying "I hate having a bad game, so sometimes I need to remind myself just to let everything go and just to be myself, have fun and just give my best effort". Isn't that all any of us can do? Let it go, and maybe even "Let Him Fly"...
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