I'm tired of waiting.

Did you miss me?  Did you wonder where I'd gone?  Do you remember reading this blog at all?  If so, I apologize for my blogging absence.  If not, well, let's just pretend that you did and you do because, although it has been over a year since my last post, I'm back.  I honestly feel quite guilty for not posting for so long, but I did have my reasons.  One of which was feeling that these posts had become more narcissistic than I had liked.  I also hated feeling the need to have people "like" my posts and I couldn't stop comparing myself to other bloggers when their posts were shared all over social media but I was lucky to have 18 people read mine (and I know that I am lucky).  These feelings seemed to cheapen what I was trying to do and yet I couldn't figure out how to separate what I wanted to say from my insecurities about how many people were reading it and how they were responding to what I was saying.  I also felt like a hypocrite, trying to put myself out there in order to "inspire" others, but I couldn't inspire myself out of paper bag.  I needed a time out.  And so I focused on my work.

I've been 'working' on a passion project for years.  And by 'working' I mean thinking about it.  These characters have been living in my head for over five years and remained there until two years ago when I finally wrote a television pilot, but I know no one in the tv industry.  So I sat on it, and sat on it some more.  Then in February I had an epiphany, I figured, I'll do a web series.  I'll write a prequel to the story, so the world would meet these characters and fall in love with them, but a few months into that process I realized that that was not the right platform for me or this story.  So I went back to what seems like my roots and wrote a short film.  See, I majored in film production in college, but after graduation I focused on performing and never used that very expensive piece of paper, otherwise know as my diploma.  And then like all good procrastinators, I sat on it again because I needed to make it PERFECT before I moved forward!! Ha, when will I learn?!

Since I've started on this journey I've been trying to figure out why I'm so afraid to move, and I think it's because if I do this and people hate it, if they hate my work, then they must think I'm not good. And if people think I'm not good, well, then, they must be right, right?  So then everything I've ever thought about myself, my life and my dreams will be wrong.  Yes, rationally I know I wear some brightly colored tight fitting CRAZY PANTS!!  Because that's insane.  My self worth does not depend on something that I create, and it most definitely does not depend on what others think of it.  But tell that to the vampires in my head at 1:00 in the morning.

So now, I'm tired!!  I'm tired of waiting for something to happen. I'm tired of thinking positively, and reading inspirational quotes and sharing them, and then waiting some more. It's not about waiting, it's about doing.  Looking back on my life so far, I've realized I've been waiting to be picked...picked for a team, picked for a dance, picked for a solo, a date, a role, a career, a life even.  And I'm tired of it.  I can no longer allow myself to wait for someone to "pick" me, so I am picking myself.  I'm not going to wait for approval or permission.  I'm no longer waiting for the perfect time because I think we all know that no such time exists.

And I may very well fail, but I will do so on my own terms.  And by fail I mean, people may hate my film, or worse they may feel nothing at all.  It may not get into a single festival, nor be the stepping stone like I hope it will be.  Hell, it may not even be seen!!  But regardless of the what the outcome turns out to be, I know it will propel me forward, personally and creatively, and that's far better than sitting on my couch waiting for something.  I'm going to make a movie:

Going forward, I hope to write a new post every week focusing on bringing this passion project of mine to life, dealing with the difficulties that will arise, facing the fears and irrationalities, and the journey of moving past my comfort zone.  Please join me, because it's so much more fun when you feel completely uncomfortable with a friend!  Let's do this!
#Ballsout #Shortfilm #Composinglife

"You close when??" said the procrastinator.

So last week I wrote about my dad. I’ve gotten a few things from him: my love for music, my freckles and the horrible language I use while driving. Yes its true, I have the mouth of a drunken sailor. Its not nice and its certainly not ladylike. I mean awful words that I would never utter in my normal everyday life, will simple fly out of my mouth as if I’m saying “Hello, how are you”. Words that you would be embarrassed to use in front of your mother, except while driving, I have uttered those words in front of mine. I’m not proud of it and I’ll admit it. I try not to use them, but the drivers in NY usually deserve them. My dad drove like that, my brother drives like that and so do I. I guess the apple doesn’t fall that far from the tree after all. I’m not making excuses because I know I have the power to not yell obscenities at people while I’m behind the wheel and yet I can’t help myself. I got a lot of other great things from my dad, like his sense of humor and his love of history and all things Irish. But I also inherited another thing that isn’t so great. And it’s called procrastination. I’m the queen of it. My picture might be in the dictionary next to the word, if not I’m sure I’m featured on Wikipedia's page for it. And this week was NO exception.

If you’ve been reading this blog, I mentioned that I decided to write a One-Act play for a festival here in NY. The festival takes place in March and the play needed to be post-marked by January 30th. I was writing and then life happened, and it was getting down to the wire. I hung out with a few friends Friday night and when I got home I figured I should finish this play. I also went online to see what time my post office closed on Saturday and to my delight, it closed at 5:00pm. Translation: I could sleep in a little and then I’d do some last minute editing and print it out, do my bio and character breakdowns…I mean, no worries I have a lot of time to finish. I did as planned and I headed to the post office around 3:30. Hello, done with time to spare. Success! I just needed to get an envelope while I was there because the envelopes I had at home didn’t fit the folder that was holding said play.

There was a feeling in my gut that said, “What’s gonna happen if the post office is closed”? But then I said, “No, I checked online”. I grabbed my script and opened the door. So far, so good. Yeah, the post office that holds the P.O. Boxes is definitely open til 5:00, however the post office the holds the mail people that take your mail and post mark your packages closes at 2:00pm on Saturday. FU*********K! What the hell am I gonna do? I worked hard on this script and I think its good. I don’t think its gonna change the world of theatre, but I feel like it has a shot at being in the festival. And I had this goal of writing it and getting it there, but it NEEDS to be out today and the freaking post office is now closed.

So before I start to cry (yes I’m a crier, sorry), I think “Okay, let me call 411 for another post office that has later hours. Some place needs to be open. It HAS to be.” Yeah, it would be great to have someone answering the phone at the post office when you call but that is not the case. So now I’m just driving somewhere. I don’t know where but I will find a place to post mark this envelope. Wait, let me call my friend Maria. She lives in (insert town here, well, there are stalkers out there), let me see when her post office closes. She looks online while I’m driving toward her town. Yeah, it closed at 1:00pm. What???? Then Maria, being the genius she is at times says “What about the one in the mall? Let me check. 6:00pm.” Yes. So here’s where the first paragraph comes in again. I’m driving to the mall thinking I’m not trusting online post office hours anymore. Let me get there as soon as possible. NY drivers get out of my way…they never do. The words coming out of my mouth would probably give this movie a R rating, if not, it’s definitely PG-13, I'm still thinking R. Then the gas light goes on. WHAT???????? Just get there. Just get there.

I get there. Here’s the worst part. Everyone on Long Island is at the mall. Yes, my secret is out, I’m a Strong Islander. Please don’t judge, especially after I tell you that J-Woww from Jersey Shore is my town’s claim to fame. Terrific. Anyway, everyone from the entire island that is long is at the mall (apparently no one on Long Island is aware that we are in a recession, at least not today). Now I cannot find a spot, I don’t know for sure when this post office closes and I need gas in my car. This is not a good moment for me. I’m grateful no one was in the car with me to witness my meltdown. Long story a little shorter, I got a spot. I ran to the post office. There’s a line out the door (most people are there to get passports), one person's working but I am there and this package will be postmarked. When I finally get to the counter I ask her "Can you post mark it?" She says, “The date's on the label”. I said “Can you just post mark it please?” (No worries I was nice). Done!! Success!!!! Whew, and I’m an idiot for waiting for the last minute!!

I have no idea if the play written was worth all I went through to get it out in time but I got it out and I felt good about it. I set a goal and it was accomplished (not easily though). Now the real question is, will I stop being a procrastinator? Hmmm, lets see, when I decided to write a blog I promised myself that I would write one every Sunday night. As I type this sentence its now 11:44pm. So what do you think? Do we ever learn??? I’ll keep you posted on the little play that brought out the worst in me this weekend…maybe some day soon,it’ll bring out the best! Have a great week!!! :) And I'll try not to curse while you're in my car!