S#*t, that’s selfish!!!!

First, I must apologize for my absence last week. I feel I have failed myself (and you) but I’ve convinced myself that because I was performing in my play I could take a week off (truthfully I can justify just about anything because quite frankly, I didn’t have a show last Sunday, so it wasn’t like I couldn’t sit at the computer). Actually, I did sit at my computer and I wrote a little bit about how the festival was going and how we got through it and I think people liked it and then I stopped. I just didn’t feel inspired and I’d rather write something that I care about than just throw words together that are semi-grammatically correct and call it a blog post. Then I actually thought, “does it really matter if I don’t write one this week? Will anyone miss it?” And then I kinda felt like, I don’t even know if anyone reads this so who cares if I don’t post one and so I didn’t. Looking back on it, I’m disappointed with myself that I didn’t write one, because my goal when I started this was to write one weekly and now I can never go back and have that week again. Writing this now, I figured this out…I can’t write for other people. I need to write for myself and hope that it says something to someone or makes someone think, or makes them, in a very tiny way, feel inspired but I CAN’T do it for someone else. Shit, that’s selfish and soo not me, but there it is.

It dawned on me today that I do things for other people (and not like “Oh let me help you cross the street” but more like “wow, they'll finally think I'm worth something if I do this”). I do things for other people’s approval and you know what? That’s utter bullshit!! And you know when I realized it clearly? (I mean, I noticed this trait more than a few times but I didn’t realize that its not okay until I watched the movie Rudy today). Oh I can just hear a few of you chuckling, Rudy? Yes! I’ve never seen the whole thing before and it was one of my dad’s favorite movies. And I can’t honestly tell you I watched the whole thing today either, but I watched the last half hour (pretty much knowing the story of this kid who’s dream it was to play football for Notre Dame even though he was five feet tall and without a huge amount of athletic ability, but he never gave up) until he didn’t make the dress list (which I’ll be honest, I have no idea what the hell that means. My family loves football, I love the commercials at the Super Bowl, but apparently not making the dress list totally sucks). Here’s the part stolen from IMDB that blew my mind…


Fortune: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey what are you doing here don't you have practice?
Rudy: Not anymore I quit.
Fortune: Oh, well since when are you the quitting kind?
Rudy: I don't know, I just don't see the point anymore.
Fortune: So you didn't make the dress list, there are greater tragedies in the world.
Rudy: I wanted to run out of that tunnel for my dad to prove to everyone that I worked...
Fortune: PROVE WHAT?
Rudy: That I was somebody.
Fortune: Oh you are so full of crap. Your five foot nothin', a hundred and nothin' and you hung in with the best college football team in the land for two years, and you were also going to walk out of here with a degree from the University of Notre Dame in this life time you don't have to prove nothing to nobody except yourself and after what you gone through if you haven't done that by now, it ain’t gonna never happen, now go on back.
Rudy: I'm sorry I never got you to see you're first game in here.
Fortune: Hell I've seen too many games in this Stadium.
Rudy: I thought you said you never saw a game...
Fortune: I've never seen a game from the stands.
Rudy: You were a player?
Fortune: I rode the Bench for two years, thought I wasn't being played because of my color I got filled up with a lot of attitude so I quit, still not a week goes by I don't regret it, and I guarantee a week won't go by in your life you won't regret walking out letting them get the best of you. Do you hear me clear enough?


So now I’m about to cry as I watch this, because you know what, that shit is TRUE!!! Who am I doing all of this for, and I’m not talking about this blog, but who is all of this (everything I do) for? Why wasn’t I overwhelmingly proud when we did our first performance at the One-Act festival? Why didn’t I believe my friends and family when they said they liked it? Why do I never hear applause but I can’t forget the one person who doesn’t think I’m pretty enough for this business?? So, and excuse my french, what the F*#K has to happen so that we feel we have accomplished something? Do we need to win an award to feel like we are successful? Why do I need everyone’s (or at least the people I hold in high regard) to swoon over what I do, for it to mean something? And if they said that it was fantastic, would I even believe them? Shouldn’t I just feel like knowing what I did was enough?

So that is what I’m taking with me from this festival. As much as it would be amazing to hear tonight that I made the Finals, I don’t have to make them to feel like I’ve accomplished something. I wrote a play. I got to work with people I love and then I got to perform it for more people I love (and some people I didn’t even know). And then as a bonus, I got to perform it for members of the industry and that’s enough!

So, here’s the deal…I’m gonna continue to write this blog, even if no one reads it because it makes me feel good and it makes me a better writer. And I’m gonna keep writing plays and such, because I want to share things with people and I hope that others feel and think about things when they get performed. And I’m gonna keep acting and singing because deep down in my soul that’s what I feel like I was put here to do, and I’m sorry if I’m not at as good as Meryl or Barbra or Idina or anyone else I will inevitably compare myself to, because I only have to be as good as me! I will continue to try to be as good as I can be, but I can’t be someone else and I can't do it for anyone else’s approval!!

Whew, now this selfish bitch needs a glass of wine! ;)

-RoxyS

FEAR, FEAR GO AWAY. COME AGAIN ANOTHER DAY (LIKE IN APRIL MAYBE)!

I got some good news this week. YAY! :) So why do I fee like the end of the world is at hand? :( Perhaps its because I’m CRAZY! Yep, I think that’s the answer, lol. See the One-Act play I wrote in January was accepted to the festival to be performed in March. You think I would be over the moon excited about it and a part of me is. It feels great to have written something and have someone think that it was good enough to be seen by real people (who aren't related to me) lol. But I am out of my mind scared and anxious about it. I know nerves are good most of the time because it shows that you care. And I care, a lot! I want this play to be amazing! It’s a great opportunity to have my work as a writer and actress be seen by people who can help me get future work.

However, I’m also extremely nervous because this is the first time I’m doing more than acting. Usually, I get a role and I work on it. I learn my lines, show up and do my best. Now I guess I’m the producer too (you think I would enjoy this since I'm kinda a control freak and yet I don't). I have to schedule rehearsals, get a director, make sure we have enough time to get done what needs to be done, get costumes and props, plus learn my lines and be an actress (what did I get myself into?). I’m not gonna lie…I’m OVERWHELMED!!! I'm having crazy anxiety dreams already and we haven't had a single rehearsal yet!

I don’t know why I’m so afraid of this. I guess I’m fearful of failing but if I’ve learned anything from writing this blog and putting it out there, its that the only failure there is, is not trying (thanks Kelley Lynn for that comment). FEAR can be paralyzing and I’m gonna have to fight my way through it everyday! But I also know that what can feel like the scariest thing, can also be the best thing for you. So I’m gonna work my butt off and get this thing done. Don’t know how, but I’ll do it!! I refuse to let my anxiety get the best of me. I’ve worked too hard to get here to turn back now. Honestly, I could also use all your good vibes and support as well. And I want to thank my dear friend Joe Iozzi for accepting the male role in the play. It means so much that I can count on him (especially since I have no money and can’t pay him, sorry)! Love ya!

I'll leave you on this note. I read something over the weekend and I decided that I’m gonna read every day, and somehow I will make myself believe it! I don’t officially know who wrote it. I looked it up online and two names came up: C. W. Longenecker as well as Walter D Wintle. However, I think its true and I think it will help…

“If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don’t.
If you like to win, but think you can’t.
It is almost certain you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost,
For out in the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow’s will—
It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are,
You’ve got to think high to rise,
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man,
But soon or late the man who wins
Is the man WHO THINKS HE CAN!”

I think I CAN! I hope you think you CAN too!

"You close when??" said the procrastinator.

So last week I wrote about my dad. I’ve gotten a few things from him: my love for music, my freckles and the horrible language I use while driving. Yes its true, I have the mouth of a drunken sailor. Its not nice and its certainly not ladylike. I mean awful words that I would never utter in my normal everyday life, will simple fly out of my mouth as if I’m saying “Hello, how are you”. Words that you would be embarrassed to use in front of your mother, except while driving, I have uttered those words in front of mine. I’m not proud of it and I’ll admit it. I try not to use them, but the drivers in NY usually deserve them. My dad drove like that, my brother drives like that and so do I. I guess the apple doesn’t fall that far from the tree after all. I’m not making excuses because I know I have the power to not yell obscenities at people while I’m behind the wheel and yet I can’t help myself. I got a lot of other great things from my dad, like his sense of humor and his love of history and all things Irish. But I also inherited another thing that isn’t so great. And it’s called procrastination. I’m the queen of it. My picture might be in the dictionary next to the word, if not I’m sure I’m featured on Wikipedia's page for it. And this week was NO exception.

If you’ve been reading this blog, I mentioned that I decided to write a One-Act play for a festival here in NY. The festival takes place in March and the play needed to be post-marked by January 30th. I was writing and then life happened, and it was getting down to the wire. I hung out with a few friends Friday night and when I got home I figured I should finish this play. I also went online to see what time my post office closed on Saturday and to my delight, it closed at 5:00pm. Translation: I could sleep in a little and then I’d do some last minute editing and print it out, do my bio and character breakdowns…I mean, no worries I have a lot of time to finish. I did as planned and I headed to the post office around 3:30. Hello, done with time to spare. Success! I just needed to get an envelope while I was there because the envelopes I had at home didn’t fit the folder that was holding said play.

There was a feeling in my gut that said, “What’s gonna happen if the post office is closed”? But then I said, “No, I checked online”. I grabbed my script and opened the door. So far, so good. Yeah, the post office that holds the P.O. Boxes is definitely open til 5:00, however the post office the holds the mail people that take your mail and post mark your packages closes at 2:00pm on Saturday. FU*********K! What the hell am I gonna do? I worked hard on this script and I think its good. I don’t think its gonna change the world of theatre, but I feel like it has a shot at being in the festival. And I had this goal of writing it and getting it there, but it NEEDS to be out today and the freaking post office is now closed.

So before I start to cry (yes I’m a crier, sorry), I think “Okay, let me call 411 for another post office that has later hours. Some place needs to be open. It HAS to be.” Yeah, it would be great to have someone answering the phone at the post office when you call but that is not the case. So now I’m just driving somewhere. I don’t know where but I will find a place to post mark this envelope. Wait, let me call my friend Maria. She lives in (insert town here, well, there are stalkers out there), let me see when her post office closes. She looks online while I’m driving toward her town. Yeah, it closed at 1:00pm. What???? Then Maria, being the genius she is at times says “What about the one in the mall? Let me check. 6:00pm.” Yes. So here’s where the first paragraph comes in again. I’m driving to the mall thinking I’m not trusting online post office hours anymore. Let me get there as soon as possible. NY drivers get out of my way…they never do. The words coming out of my mouth would probably give this movie a R rating, if not, it’s definitely PG-13, I'm still thinking R. Then the gas light goes on. WHAT???????? Just get there. Just get there.

I get there. Here’s the worst part. Everyone on Long Island is at the mall. Yes, my secret is out, I’m a Strong Islander. Please don’t judge, especially after I tell you that J-Woww from Jersey Shore is my town’s claim to fame. Terrific. Anyway, everyone from the entire island that is long is at the mall (apparently no one on Long Island is aware that we are in a recession, at least not today). Now I cannot find a spot, I don’t know for sure when this post office closes and I need gas in my car. This is not a good moment for me. I’m grateful no one was in the car with me to witness my meltdown. Long story a little shorter, I got a spot. I ran to the post office. There’s a line out the door (most people are there to get passports), one person's working but I am there and this package will be postmarked. When I finally get to the counter I ask her "Can you post mark it?" She says, “The date's on the label”. I said “Can you just post mark it please?” (No worries I was nice). Done!! Success!!!! Whew, and I’m an idiot for waiting for the last minute!!

I have no idea if the play written was worth all I went through to get it out in time but I got it out and I felt good about it. I set a goal and it was accomplished (not easily though). Now the real question is, will I stop being a procrastinator? Hmmm, lets see, when I decided to write a blog I promised myself that I would write one every Sunday night. As I type this sentence its now 11:44pm. So what do you think? Do we ever learn??? I’ll keep you posted on the little play that brought out the worst in me this weekend…maybe some day soon,it’ll bring out the best! Have a great week!!! :) And I'll try not to curse while you're in my car!

The Attack of the B.F. and other "Wicked" things.

“I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return. Well, I don't know if I believe that's true. But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you.” –Galinda from Wicked.

So another week has come and gone. The first full week of the new year actually. Is this where we start to see how our resolutions are going? In my last blog I wrote “We need to focus on the good stuff that we bring to the table. When I'm negative about myself I hold myself back from all that I could be.” On New Year’s Day I promised myself that I was gonna stop being negative about myself. So how am I doing? Hmmm, not so good. I actually kinda forgot about it. But I was quickly reminded by friends Saturday night that I have taken some steps back.

You see, last week a few of us went shopping for bridesmaid dresses and we took some pics of the occasion. Upon looking at one of myself in the dress that we will wear in the wedding, I discovered something peculiar…I have back fat!! YES, I do! Sitting here, writing this now, I cannot believe that I’m going to press publish post and freely admit to the fact that I have back fat and well, seven people may actually read it and know that I have back fat. But its true, clear as day in that picture, there it was. I noticed it three years ago when I was in another wedding, but quite frankly I'd forgotten I had it. Now that’s the funny thing about back fat (lets just call is b.f. from now on, okay?). See b.f. is tricky cause you can't see it from the front (um, yes I know that's a very Captain Obvious thing to point out) but it makes it difficult for the person who has it to know that he/she has it. It makes me think, how many other people have seen my b.f. and I had forgotten all about it?

So you might be wondering what this has to do with anything. I’m not really sure except for that fact that as I sat there zooming in on that speck of b.f., my friends told me to stop it. We all admitted that we are all so hard on ourselves. So I promised to try & not say another negative thing about myself for the night, I lasted less than 10 minutes. I realize, of course, that this is an extremely superficial thing to be down on myself about. But isn't that what we do? We find a tiny thing that most people probably haven't even noticed about us and we blow it out of proportion. Then we feel bad about ourselves because of it. Sure this is a silly example and when I got dressed this morning I didn't think of my b.f. (I didn't think about it when I ate that bag of Doritos last night either) but in that moment, looking at that picture, it made my feel negative about myself and that's gotta stop!

So why is it that our friends can see the good things in us and we can’t? That’s why we need to surround ourselves with the right people who love and support us. We need people to say, “Shut up” and “Stop being so hard on yourself” or “You’re making the same mistakes over and over again, maybe you should stop”. If we only saw ourselves through the eyes of the people who love us, I think we’d be better off. I’ll try harder this week not to beat myself up as much! And even though I'm hoping the b.f. it just the curse of the bridesmaid dresses and I only have it when I wear one of them, I just might start doing some push ups to be sure (the wedding’s less than a year away and exercise is supposedly good for you)!

And on a quick career note, I have decided to submit a play for a One Act Festival in NY. If it's selected it will be performed in March. There's only one tiny issue, I don’t have a One-Act written yet. So I gotta write one. The play must be post marked by January 30. Guess I gotta get on that. I'll keep ya posted on how it goes.

Have a great week!

-Roxy (B.F.) Strago ;)