It's Not a Test?

So if you’ve been reading this blog, you know that I’m slightly nuts, lol. Okay, not like a total crazy person, but I have some “issues” (I like to say that they're all part of my charm), but sometimes, if I don’t deal with them head on, they can have the tendency to hold me back. One of them is stage fright. Most of the time I get so freaked out about it, I want to throw up. And right before I go on, I always ask myself, “Self, why do you do this to me?" (meaning: why do you make me go out there with the possibility to screw up royally and make an utter ass out of myself?) Now while I’m waiting in the wings as it were, I can’t find an answer to that question. I usually don’t want to go out there and if I could pay someone to go out instead of me I would (crazy right? I told you). But of course I go out there. I force myself to because I promised that I would. In a way its almost like jumping out of an airplane (not that I’ve done that or ever would) but I can just imagine myself in that plane before the big jump sweating, with my heart pounding so hard it could possibly break through my chest and my stomach in pain. And then me asking myself again “self, what have you gotten me into again?” Cause that’s what it’s like before I take the stage.

You might be asking yourself “self, if she gets so scared that she feels like she might die, why does she bother”? Good question!! The only answer I have is because once I’m out there I freaking LOVE it!! Last week before I sang at the cabaret, I was nervous. I just wanted to get it over with (some performer right?) but when I got up there and started to sing, I started to relax, something comes over me (remembering the first lines of the song usually helps, lol) and then when I did my patter between songs and people actually laughed, well that was it. I had such a great time. I don’t do drugs but performing is the closest thing to being high that I have experienced. It’s addicting!!

Now I NEED to remember that when my play opens in a little over 2 weeks (because I can just imagine the kind of wreck I’ll be beforehand). I think its the perfectionist in me that causes this. I want it to be perfect. I want to be perfect and then that little voice comes in and says "wow if you screw up you will be humiliated forever". But let's face it, what's the worst thing you can think of happening? Death right? Well if I screw up, I'm not gonna die. I will survive. I know this, but man, I still want to be good!! I read somewhere over the past week something that I felt I needed to remember. I wish I wrote down where I got it from but its about a woman who speaks for a living. “She stops asking, how am I doing? and moves to, are you with me? Instead of worrying, will they like me? She considers, what can I offer them? ‘The difference now is that I do not see it as a performance. I see my role as a sharer,’ says Shakin. ‘And when I share . . . my listeners are up there with me.’"

So I’m not going to see my play as a performance (although it is) but more as sharing a part of who I am. I love what I do, so I need to do it and I need to ENJOY it!! I can honestly sit here as I write this and tell you that I’m still gonna be nervous that I’ll forget my lines or that people will think the play is cheesy, but when I get out there and open my mouth I’m gonna enjoy every second of it because its what I love. And its an honor to be sharing an experience with those people in those seats. It’s not a test!! I need to remember that!

I usually feel like I've accomplished something when I write each blog, but I'll be honest with you, I'm not sure that I have here. It almost feels unfinished or somehow not cohesive. I guess it's because I'm not entirely convinced that I won't have a breakdown before the show, lol. I'll keep you posted. Its all a learning experience I guess. Thanks for listening! I hope you do what you love, because life is too short!!

-RS