“Stop the Insanity”

So I started writing this blog to talk about my "journey" as a performer, so I guess I should start talking about it. Well actually, I finally have something to talk about (yeah its been awhile, lol). I sang last night in a cabaret downstairs in the Rouge Winebar at The Paris Commune. That’s the reason why this entry is on Monday night instead of Sunday. I was pretty exhausted as well as in pain. I woke up Saturday morning unable to move my neck. As I told the crowd last night, I’d like to say its from some crazy, wacky, sexy event, but quite frankly I think it’s because I’m getting old, lol. I forgot to tell them that if they were smelling Bengay, don’t look around at your neighbor because its me. The tiger balm was in FULL effect last night and still today. Anyway, I took a muscle relaxer and went to bed, hence the no Sunday night blog, my apologies. I think it went pretty well, the cabaret, not the muscle relaxer, although it helped, but I’ll let you be the judge, when I finally get around to uploading the videos online (thanks JG for recording it).

On Saturday morning, I had my first production meeting for the One-Act festival. It was great to finally see what this festival is about and what’s in store for me and our crew. Everyone seemed really nice and supportive. Then I sat down with my director (and friend) Corinne Lee to map out our rehearsals. We talked about the play and its meanings and what I thought about it. I clearly remember saying to her, that “I’d love to be in the finals, but just doing the best that we could, would make this a success in my eyes”, or something like that. And I truly feel that way. Giving my all and getting things done, bringing these characters and this story to life is my goal. And I hope people are touched by it.

Then we met with Joe and read it for the first time aloud. It sounded good. There are things that need to be changed and transitions that need to be worked out (its a work in progress), but its good. I think. ;) But is it good enough? Am I good enough? As I got off the train and headed home, I said (in my head…I don’t want you to think that I actually talk to my self out loud, I mean, I do but I try not to do it in public) so I said “yeah it would be nice to be in the finals” and then I felt deep inside, but that won’t happen. Now why should I feel that way? I haven’t seen any of the other plays, I have no idea what anyone else has written and we haven’t even had a full rehearsal yet, so why the hell am I feeling like I won’t make the finals? Why am I selling myself short?

Because things like this don’t happen to me. Winning does NOT happen! It's in our genes (like the Garrish curse, I told you about that right?) Well winning really hasn’t happened to me before, so why should it happen now, right? I did a monologue challenge once and I made the top 5. Did I win? Nope. Was it because I wasn’t the best? Was it because deep down, I didn’t think I deserved to win? Or was it because I was thinking that I’m not a “winner” and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy? Could be any of the above, or a combo of all.

Last night, when some of the guests were leaving the cabaret, they said a few kind words to me about my performance. One of them actually said something like, “you’re gonna go far”! I said thank you and I’m sure I said something like “we’ll see” or “I hope so” but a part of me didn’t believe her. I haven’t made it yet…will I ever? How do I mesh my desires with that nagging, annoying little voice inside? My dreams are screaming, “Go” and “Make it Happen”. But that little voice (I guess its my subconscious) inside says, “You’re not that good. You're not a winner”.

Well, you know what? Its time I tell that voice to “Shut the Fuck Up. You’re outta here, BITCH”!! So I’m stopping this NOW!!!! I’m not pouring everything I have into this, just to think that I won’t win! It stops now. As that crazy lady with the buzz cut, Susan Powter used to say, “Stop the Insanity”. I need to stop this before it continues to hold me back. Why can’t my play be in the finals? Why can't it win? Why can't I win an Oscar?! I can (well, I'm gonna start trying to believe it)! Change takes time!!

I’m plowing forward. Onward and upward- today, I booked all our rehearsal space…wow, I’m really like a big girl now, lol!!! I'll keep you posted!! Thanks for listening!

-R. Strago