My life in shelves...

MY LIFE IS LIKE THESE SHELVES...


Packed! Cluttered! Disorganized! Messy!

I recently came to the realization that I don't finish everything I start (okay fine, it's not a recent revelation, and if I'm being honest, it's probably more like I don't 'finish' the majority of the things I start). Case in point, this little blog. Last entry before this one? That would be Thanksgiving 2010. Wow, way to give it my all, right?!

Not convinced? Okay, I'm currently reading at least five books. I keep going to the next one thinking it'll be better than the one I'm reading at the moment (could this be a window into my psychology??? Hmm.)



Wanna take a guess on how many of these books and plays on my bookshelf that I've actually read? Or how many I've actually finished once I started? Not a good percentage I'm sure. Sometimes I think I start things because I think it's gonna make this huge transformation in my life and when it doesn't happen immediately (or easily) I'm on to the next thing. There was the time when I was going to make jewelry and sell it online. Or the time I decided I'd earn extra money making greeting cards (you should have seen the glitter on my floor). I've spent a big majority of my money (and accumulated debt), not to mention the amount of time, on things I wanted to do and never finished.

How about the guitar lessons I started to take and well, you guessed it, never finished? Sure I can play a few songs and even sing along, but that's only because most pop songs have 4 chords in them and if I sing loud enough, I can kinda fake 'em. P.S. I have three guitars. That's right THREE and I can't play any one of them proficiently. So now this summer I got a ukulele because I think it will be awesome to play. And how many times have I played it so far? Oh maybe, twice, but for the record, I haven't given up on this one, so there is still hope! :)

Yeah, it's true, I don't finish everything I start, but I also don't give up on things that I truly want! Oh, there have been more than a few hiccups and doubts along the way, but I'm NOT not finishing this. I can't. And what exactly is finishing anyway? Isn't finishing the end? Do we really want that? Isn't it the process that we learn from? I think this blog post is a reminder to me that the things that are most important to us are the things we will stick to no matter how much work there is to do (or how many obstacles we face). We can never truly finish...we just continue on and learn from our missteps. I'm not a quitter on myself and you shouldn't be one on you either. There's something in all of us that we truly want and we it owe it to ourselves, and others, to go get it! And hell, those books will still be there for me when I want to finish them, but right now I'm a little busy with some other things.

And here's the little guy:

He's cute, isn't he?! I'll keep you posted on our progress but in the meantime, just to prove to myself that I can let go of some of my perfectionism, I'm uploading a recording I made on my ipod the first night I played it. Lord knows it's bad, embarrassing even, but its a work in progress, just like me:


http://soundcloud.com/jagarrish/i-cant-help-falling-in-love/s-yHfCK

Giving Thanks...even if sometimes things suck!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING (Well, happy day after! I mean, how could I write when I had so much eating to do? And believe me, there wasn't a dish left untasted, except for anything with fruit, I don't eat the fruit)!! Anyway, I have decided to be more grateful for the things I have, even if they aren't exactly as I would like them to be (let's face it, nothing and nobody is perfect, except for maybe Clooney). It seemed appropriate to start on Thanksgiving (or the day after, see above food coma explanation) and so it is my intention to express my thanks everyday for a specific thing (no matter how small, or silly it may seem to others) until December 31st. I will try to make a daily thankful blog post but lets face it, I'm lazy so don't get your hopes up, but I will make a shout out on my Facebook status for the thing I'm grateful for: http://www.facebook.com/#!/JAGarrish


DAY #1: I'm grateful for the gift of music (and for a moment that changed my life). I hope you enjoy the story below (I wrote it in a writing class I took this fall)! And be grateful for something today, maybe while you are waiting on a completely ridiculous long line at the mall. Hey, at least you aren't at work like I am (Yes, I'm grateful for my job, but let's not be too thankful on the first day, I gotta space it out):


As the lights went down, I clutched the sleeve of my jacket and my excitement grew. I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen, but I had a strong feeling I was going to like it. Why wouldn’t I? Music has always been a part of my life since I was old enough to remember hearing a song play on the radio. I sang around my house, into my hair brush, as well as other various substitutes for a microphone ( I was too shy to talk to someone I didn’t know but give me a song and watch me go). Sometimes you could find me making up songs about farm animals, though I’m not sure what my obsession with farm animals was about. And it wasn’t unusual to find me and the neighborhood kids putting on shows in our backyards, much to the chagrin of our parents. Come to think of it, I don’t think we sold one ticket, nor did we ever perform for an audience but boy did we rehearse for that show. I can clearly remember lip-synching, before it had a name and dancing my improvised choreography to “What a Feeling” from the movie Flashdance on the white cracked pavement of the Miale’s driveway. Man I had some really good moves. I also remember the first cassette album I ever bought, I don’t know where I got the money for it but I can still smell the plastic as I held that tape with Madonna’s picture on the front. Or my brother giving me the 45 of Elton John’s Little Jeannie, because they way he sang it kinda sounded like Little Jean Ann. That’s our story and we’re sticking to it.


So as a ten year old sitting in my red plush seat with my parents and my aunt, I was overwhelmed by the Cole Porter overture that had begun to play. Of course I had no idea who Cole Porter was at that time, but after that night I would never forget him. Nor would I forget the magnificent Patti LuPone. That lady knocked it out of the park. They say you never forget your first and it’s true. I may not remember what I was wearing or how close we were to the stage and I cannot recall the smell of the theatre or whether I got candy during the intermission, but I’ll never forget the moment I sat in my seat during the song “Anything Goes” and with absolute joy in my heart I said to myself, This is what I want to do for the rest of my life.


It’s still like nothing else in the world. Going to see live theatre and being transported to another world. That tiny moment when the lights go down and the first chord is played, or the timpani of the drum is heard can send shivers down my spine in a totally good way. Music in general has such a strong hold on me. It can bring me back to a moment in my life within 4 seconds, it can bring a smile to my face quicker than finding a $20 in my pants pocket, and it can also break my heart. It is truly the universal language and when I get the opportunity to sing I know it’s where I’m supposed to be. I feel completely alive.


I may not be on Broadway yet, nor have I won an Academy Award, but that hasn’t stopped me from making my dreams come true, for I believe once you are given the gift of a dream it is your duty to follow through until you either make that dream a reality or until the dream no longer has a hold on your heart. That one moment in a darkened theatre changed that child’s life forever (not sure had my dad known it would make me want to be a performer, he would have rethought the purchase of those tickets) but I’m grateful for that moment every day, even when I struggle with the disappointments, the let downs, the hurts and the tears, it has shaped my life for the better and I was never the same.

all limitations are self-imposed

Happy Fall!! Happy new season! Perhaps it can be seen as a happy new beginning? I'll be honest, I'm surprised I remembered my password (well it took me about five minutes) because its been quite awhile since I actually sat down to write my thoughts for the good old blog world. But let's not dwell on the negative, THE BLOG IS BACK, so let's move forward shall we? Because I've started running!! Yep, you read that correctly, I started running!! Always wanted to be "runner", never thought I could.

Okay, okay, let's not kid ourselves, I've been jogging for a few minutes but I've started a program where you add on to the amount of time you run each week until you get to the 9th week when you are hopefully jogging/running for thirty minutes straight (not sure what happens after that, but I don't want to get too ahead of myself, since I just finished week 2). I then decided I would post my distance and times on my facebook page to continue to motivate myself, and I got some mixed reviews (including a few comments, that were supposedly written for "encouragement" but to me, were anything but). And I started to feel bad about myself and embarrassed about my time, and then stupid for posting it at all.

But then I started to get some really supportive comments. Like the one from my dear friend Ashley who said "don't listen to them Jean Ann!! Everyone started from somewhere. I started running at age 30 and it took me three weeks to be able to run a mile straight. And you know I just completed my first Olympic Triathlon this year!! My run pace, after swimming a mile and biking 25, was about a 10 minute mile, for six miles. Just go girl!!" And Pete, an old friend from high school who reminded me to not "listen to anyone giving you crap about time / distance. You're not running a race against them. Start small, listen to your body and keep at it. Looking forward to seeing more updates! :)"
Thank God for supportive people!

I know it won't happen in a week, which is why I'm starting out small and adding on each week. And as I was jogging along at my (very) slow pace it hit me, the idea that I wasn't a runner came from me and I'm the only one who can change that. And if I can do this, I can change anything else that I didn't think I was, or could be, or could do! What I think about running is a metaphor for all the other limitations that I have placed upon myself. The fact that I think I'm not pretty enough to be on TV/film, or that I don't have the vocal range to be on Broadway or any other negative thought that has jumped from my mind, crossed into my real life and thus has affected my career in a less than positive way came from me. And since I was the one who placed these things out there, I'm the only one that can change them!! Just like running, I'll have to start small, but I believe I'll do it!

I'll leave you with a video that another high school friend/runner, Suzanne, posted on her Facebook page that was so inspiring (God what did we do before you FB?)! I think it's not only about running but about doing anything that you've wanted to do but have let your limiting beliefs about yourself stop you. So what do you want to do? Decide and then take Ashley's advice and "Just go girl" or boy!! Just do it! :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SbXgQqbOoU&feature=player_embedded

AND THE PURPOSE??

Ever wonder why you are here? Like, what's your purpose? I started writing this post on July 11th and now its August 9th. So apparently publishing this post isn't one of mine. I kid of course. I'm not sure why I could never press the "PUBLISH POST" button but its almost been a month and I just haven't done it. Sure I've been busy but I've actually sat down to write and edit this thing and it never felt worthy (not sure its there yet, but I can't keep sitting on it. It needs to get out.) Maybe because its pretty personal to me. I didn't think I was afraid to publish it but maybe I was. When you write about yourself, you put it out there and that can lead to criticisms (something most of us don't really enjoy). Maybe I didn't think the conclusion was good enough. I'll explain later**.

PURPOSE...Dictionary.com defines it as "the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc." 'Dictionary.com?' you say. I know, I know, but hey, they had the best definition! "Why am I here"? Its a pretty good question. We've all gotta be here for a reason right? I've been thinking about it, I guess in part because my birthday passed recently (well at this point, its been over a month, but like I said I started writing this in the beginning of July). Birthdays can bring alot of feelings to the surface. They can make you think about your life and what you are doing with it, and what you have done with it, and what you are going to (or should) do with it.

Sometimes we are all so busy and have soo much on our plates, juggling millions of things at once (ask dictionary.com for the definition of multi-taskers and our entire society would appear) it can be difficult to remember or fully see what we should be doing (and by that I mean, what we should be doing for our own selves). I know I get overwhelmed sometimes with all I have to do: a day job, classes, the other job trying to make my dreams of being a full time performer a reality, writing this blog occasionally, all the while trying to have some semblance of a social life and to have a little fun. And it gets hard for me to just focus on one thing and give it 100% so that I can actually get something accomplished. Sometimes with all the everyday things we NEED to do in life, we forget why we are really here. So I'm gonna ask the question, what the hell is my purpose? Feel free to offer your suggestions and get back to me! ;)

I was actually a little surprised that I still needed to clarify it, if not figure it out all together, because I've always thought I knew what I was supposed to be doing since I was a little kid. I guess when you aren't automatically a 'success' at it (whatever that means to you), you start to second guess it. Am I doing the wrong thing? Wasting my time? Maybe it would help to construct a bit of a mission statement, to help shed some light on it or to simplify it so that its more easily attainable.

So I decided to do a little experiment. Its called "The Life Purpose Exercise" by Arnold M. Patent, who is a spiritual coach and author.

_____________________________________________________

THE LIFE PURPOSE EXERCISE:
1. List two of your unique personal qualities, such as enthusiasm and
creativity.

_____________________________ _____________________________

2. List one or two ways you enjoy expressing those qualities when interacting
with others, such as to support and to inspire.

_____________________________ _____________________________

3. Assume the world is perfect right now. What does this world look like? How
is everyone interacting with everyone else? What does it feel like? Write your
answer as a statement, in the present tense, describing the ultimate
condition, the perfect world as you see it and feel it. Remember, a perfect
world is a fun place to be.

EXAMPLE: Everyone is freely expressing
their own unique talents. Everyone is working in harmony.
Everyone is expressing love.

______________________________________________



4. Combine the three prior subdivisions of this paragraph into a single
statement.

EXAMPLE: My purpose is to use my creatively and enthusiasm
to support and inspire other to freely express their talents in
a harmonious and loving way.

_______________________________________________



So whatcha get?? I'm so curious! Well quite frankly I'm nosey. I get it from my mom, well I'm totally blaming it on her anyway (why not?)! Here's what I came up with...

My Purpose is to use my humor and compassion to entertain and inspire people to be who they are in a loving and joyful way!

Great. I got it all figured out now! So what the hell do I do now? (to be continued throughout my life I guess...)



**And maybe I was nervous to put this out there because to sum up your purpose in one sentence can seem almost trivial, or maybe its because I feel people would judge what I came up with, or maybe I was scared because putting it out there meant that I need to actually start living my purpose fully. And being who you truly are is a big responsibility.

DO IT!!!!!

So another birthday has come and gone and I don't feel a day over 18, ok 21. I had a great time celebrating but I had a really rough night before my birthday. I know that I have a wonderful life and I'm right where I should be (yadda, yadda, yadda), but that doesn't mean that I still don't have to look dissappointment in the eye and face it head on. Something silly happened (silly like getting snubbed by a dumb boy) but it hit me at the wrong time and I felt old and ugly and sad and well, dissappointed. Awww, feel bad for me, cause I certainly did!! ;)

Then I woke up on friday and it was MY DAY, yay (yes, I'm a baby) lol. I ate a bagel, cause it's my birthday, so kiss my ass, diet! And as I read through the paper, I got to the horoscopes. I don't remember what the horoscope was for that day but The Post (ya, I read The Post, they gots the good gossip) gives you an extra horoscope on your birthday. This is what my (along with fellow Strong Islander Lindsay Lohan's) bday horoscope was:

Are you kidding me?? Dear horoscope writer, did you write this just for me? Cause wow, I NEEDED to hear that. My whole perspective changed in a moment!! And you wanna know what my dream was when I was little? I wanted to be a singer! And so you know what I'm gonna focus on? That's right...SINGING (you are brillant, dear readers)!! I've been told before that I should be focusing on singing but I guess I just didn't know where I fit in with it. Pop music is a youth game (I lost out on my chance around the tender age of 26, which isn't really that long ago (I might add lol) and I don't have the belt that they want for Broadway. But I do have a voice and its a damn good one. So even though I don't know where I fit in, I will sing and I will see where that takes me, because singing (and music) brings me joy!!

What did you want to be when you were little? What did you love? What DO you love? Figure it out and then DO IT!!! Even if it's for just a moment, or as a hobby, just do it!! Joy is an amazing thing, and joy brings more joy. Who knows where your joy will take you! Wherever it is, I hope it is magical!!

-RS

It's Time to Celebrate!!!

The time has come, again...that's right, it's my birthday on Friday. Yay!! I LOVE my birthday! I love to celebrate, to toast, and I'm not gonna lie (guess its the performer in me) I kinda love the attention! ;) Birthdays are a time to rejoice in the fact that we've had the opportunity to live another year. But it can also be a reminder that we are another year older (a fact some people may not enjoy, because it is almost like a big old road sign saying "Ha, Ha. You thought you would be here at this age and honey, you ain't left the gate yet". Well, at least that's what my sign says. Yeah, my sign is pretty bitchy). And if you've been reading this blog you know that those moments for me, unfortunately, aren't few and far between. However, I also realize that I AM WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE (even if I don't know why right now). Regardless of where anyone else is, I AM HERE!! There's a reason I'm where I am and I'm choosing to accept it.

That being said, accepting is not the same as giving up. Just because I'm here doesn't mean I won't get there (apparently I'm just on the slow track). I read a quote recently that resonated with me and I think it fits perfectly: "Wherever you are, is just fine…You can get to wherever you want to be from wherever you are… It’s time to stop measuring where you are in relationship to where anybody else is. The only factor that has anything to do with you is where you are in relationship with where you want to be." --- Abraham Hicks

So on Friday when I blow out the candles and enter my Jesus year (that's right, I just told you my age fellow Jesus believers, lol) my goal for the coming year is to stop comparing myself to where others are and focus on my own course. I'm the only one that can get me there. And I won't put blinders on to what everybody else does or has, but instead, will be happy for them and content in the fact that I'm on my own way!

Enjoy your life because its the journey not the destination that's important (and not everybody got the chance to live and love and laugh and celebrate another year) so I will be celebrating my life and the wonderful people I have in it. And I will celebrate the accomplishments I've made this year because even if they weren't the ones I expected, they were still great and I'm proud of the work I've done.

Here's to the next year...I can't wait to see what's in store, whatever it is, it will be fantastic because its all part of my journey!

Cheers (to me and you and yours)!!!
Roxy Strago

Well HELLOOOOOO there. I'm still alive!!

Well hellooooo there!!! Remember me? Yeah, you may not and don't feel bad about yourself, its my own damn fault, is been awhile since I've posted here. I have to admit, I think I got burnt out. Not just about this blog but about a lot of things. I ended a workshop for the show I'm doing next year at the beginning of May and now its the middle of June. And what did I do to further my career or to create? Not a whole lot. I don't know why but I've been feeling completely disconnected from performing and its weird because it happened right after I had this amazing creative experience. I felt kinda out of it and it was hard to figure out where I fit in. I'm still trying to work my way through it, so this blog has kinda been (not the furthest) but pretty far from my mind. Not to say that I haven't thought about writing or actually tried to write an entry. In fact I started one on June 9th and it went a little something like this...

I'm sad and discouraged and out of sorts...and quite frankly its pissing me off!! Why may you ask? Beats the crap out of me. I think it I have hit the proverbial wall my darlings and it sucks.

I'm reading the "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield and he said that "The professional arms himself with patience, not only to give the stars time to align in his career, but to keep himself from flaming out in each individual work. He knows that a job, whether it's a novel or a kitchen remodel, takes twice as long as her thinks and costs twice as much. He accepts that. He recognizes it as reality...He conserves his energy. He prepares his mind for the long haul."

Guess what? Being born and raised in NY (yeah I know, Strong Island, but its still NY) makes me have as much patience as...honestly, I have no idea. I can't think of a good analogy and I'm getting pissed about that too, so forget it (see NO patience). Anyway, this is a really difficult thing...waiting Y E A R S for what you want (or have dreamed about since you were probably about six years old (officially when I was ten and I declared that this is what I would do for the rest of my life), and have been actively pursuing for 10 years. But I'm still here. I haven't given up or in. I keep trying. I also needed a break and I'm just starting to feel like I'm coming alive again. I've slowly started doing things I should be doing. Like submitting my headshot, and following up and (gasp) writing again.

I'm thinking of this post as a rebirth. I even changed my template for this here blog (do you like it? I think its pretty)!!!! And as today starts a brand new season I feel its a time to celebrate in a way. I think its ok to take a break for a bit and to crash and burn as long as you get back on the horse (even if it takes a little longer than you had hoped). The point is to keep going and work through the hard times (the times when you want to bang your head or someone else's against the wall), because hard work pays off (eventually) and patience is a virtue (one that somehow has eluded me most of the time) but as a "professional" I've accepted that I need it. God, who knew this whole making your dreams come true would be so freaking difficult? ;)

Keep at it kiddies...the good things come to those who wait (or pay for it, but that's a different blog for a different writer)!

Love,
Ms. Strago