It's funny how these doubts keep growing.

Two weeks ago I launched an Indiegogo campaign to raise money for this passion project of mine, and just like that, I received two generous contributions.  I was thrilled!  This was going to be a piece of cake.  My friends and family would see how devoted I was to making this happen and click that pink button of support.  And strangers would see the link shared by said friends and family, discover that it's a funny yet worthwhile project, and they too would want to help.  So of course, throughout the day any time my phone 'dinged' (yes, my phone dings) with an email alert, I immediately knew it was another contribution.  And since you are all brilliant people, I'm sure it comes as no surprise to you, I was wrong...Nothing.

I tried to tell myself it doesn't matter.  Even if no one else contributes another dime, somehow I would make this film.  But little by little this was just another thing for those negative voices to grab a hold of, make me doubt myself, and then doubt some more, because to me, in that moment, the amount of contributions told the story of what everyone thought of me.  And it wasn't a very good story.  It felt like no one believed in me or my talent; that no one believed in this project; that no one cared.  I was all alone in this world.

Now if you are looking at the paragraph above from a rational, non-emotional and calm perspective you would think I should go straight to a shrink, and looking back right now, from the other side, I can see that it does seem a bit cray.  And though I cannot fully explain it, those feelings felt 100% real. When you are in that dark place of fear and doubt and insecurity, it's relatively easy to go from "Maybe my post isn't reaching everyone I'm trying to reach" to "I guess no one believes in this project" to "I'm completely alone in the world".  And so I broke down and cried my eyes out.

I also failed to mention that earlier that day I held the door for a woman who was on her phone.  She walked right into the overpriced coffee chain, that continuously spells my name incorrectly, without a thank you.  So I, loudly and passive aggressively, said "You're welcome".  She came back out and said "Thank you.  I'm sorry you need to be validated".  I really wanted to call her a few choice names, but by some strange act of God I restrained myself and just said, "No, I'm sorry that you have no manners".  Then I realized that, though she was rude, she was right.  I do need to be validated.  I do need to feel like I matter, that what I do matters, that people like me, that I count, that everyone knows I exist...I can continue, but I'll spare you.  And that's what the lack of contributions was feeding into, my lack of feeling validated.

I wish I could finish this post with an epiphany; that I found the remedy for this need of validation, because I would totally share it with you and make the time you wasted reading this worthwhile, but if you came here for all the answers, I think you now know you came to the wrong place.  I'm struggling right with you (at least I think you might struggle too, if not, please impart some of your wisdom).  Instead, here I sit, with a new recognition and a few realizations:

1. The entire world does not revolve around me and what I want.  I never thought that I thought it did, but apparently there's a small part of me that thinks it does, or it should.  I'm embarrassed to admit it, but there it is. 
2. What other people feel about me and my talent should have no affect on how I feel about myself and my talent.  But at times it can feel like that's all that matters.
3. The amount of "support" I get, or do not get, for this project does not reflect my self-worth, or the worthiness of this film.   
4. I should probably see a shrink.

I need to work on these things daily (aside from the shrink, because I cannot afford one, so I drink, I kid, but really I can't afford one), just stating them doesn't make them a reality in my life.  So the only solution I can think of is to keep going, to continue to do the work because ultimately, that's what's important.  Having doubts does not mean I will stop!  I also know I will hit more walls as I move forward; this is just the first one to climb over.  And most importantly, I still believe "If you build it, they will come", so I'm starting to build this foundation.  I choose to believe the right people will find and support this film, and I will be stronger for the journey.

Now since this film is a comedy with original music, I had an idea to write a witty song for our Indiegogo campaign and luckily I had some extremely talented friends sing along (a few just happen to be in "Composing Life" as well).  I couldn't be more grateful for their time and talents, as well as the opportunity to bring this story to life and the lessons I will continue to learn.  I hope you enjoy. And I hope you continue to climb over your own walls; they need to be climbed!

Questions...

So I made this promise to myself that I'd publish a new post every other week and I started to have a bit of a panic when I headed into the second week and I had no idea what to write about. That's not entirely true, I had a few 'ideas', none of which seemed to be organic but rather just something to say. I could have rambled on about the audition I went on last week but I don't know that I have anything inspirational to say about it. Well, I showed up, that's good, right?

It wasn't until I was meditating on Wednesday night (Yes, I meditate. I think I do, anyway. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure if what I do is meditating. If so, I'm probably doing it wrong. And no, that doesn't give me any anxiety at all during the one thing that is supposed to clear my mind and calm me down. And yes, my sarcasm seems to still be in tact). Anyway, during this "meditation" a thought popped in to my head (isn't a thought a so called "no, no" in meditation?); so this thought was about my goal, writing and recording these songs, and then immediately, this string of overwhelmingly negative thoughts flooded in. They sounded something like this, "Go ahead and do it, but no one will care, because the things you put out into the world do not get noticed in the ways other people's do. You do not affect people in the way you hope to. You will be disappointed yet again".

I tried to stop these thoughts, but did you ever try to NOT think about something? Let's try it now, do not think about orange...yep, all you can do is think about oranges, or the color orange, or an oompa loompa, right? And if you successfully did not think of orange, I want to know your secret. So I started to let those thoughts go, and they were replaced by many questions. Why am I doing this? Really, what is my motivation for all of this? This blog? This music? This career? What am I doing it for? Am I doing it so that I can look on my blog's main page and see how many hits I've gotten (don't think I don't do it, because I do, and readership has declined last post), or how many people listen to my clips on SoundCloud (yep, check that too), or what about how many comments I get on my statuses? Do we just do things now for a like on Facebook? Does it validate who we are if we have a few more 'friends' than our neighbor? Will I still be happy with myself if those thoughts come true and what I put out into the world, though it may make me feel proud, and productive, and of some service to the world, go unnoticed? Will I truly be okay with that? And if not, what am I doing it for? I told you, questions have come up, and I'm now struggling to find those answers.

Sure I think it's human to want to be accepted and liked. We want to matter. We want to be heard. But does it make you less of a gift if some one hates on your YouTube clip? And on that note, what's worse: a negative comment, or being completely ignored? I've dealt with both and I don't know. I'm trying to not hold onto the outcomes. I hope that what I share finds the people that might benefit from it, and I think I need to accept that it's okay if it's only a handful of people. I need to let go of thinking that my work is less important if only a hundred people hear it. Do I hope that thousands or hey, might as well dream big here, millions of people stumble upon my work one day and enjoy it, heck even love it? Of course. But if that is not the case, I hope I can look inside and know that I am the same worthwhile person I was before. And I will not let the fear of disappointment get the best of me. I may create something that people dislike, or have no opinion about, or completely ignore, but I will have done what I dreamt of doing. Maybe that's why I do it, because I have to.

In the end, I believe there's a plan. And when you follow your passions and dreams wholeheartedly, they'll lead you to your best life (maybe that's singing in front of 13,000 people, or maybe it's 13, you just won't know until you go out and sing). And if we're happy with who we are, with what we are contributing to the world, and the life we are living, we might just be okay.

Resurrections (part deux)...

You know when you get an idea and you're excited about it, because it could lead to something really special, so you make plans, and you're still really excited about it, because it's still far away, so the fear and doubts are kept at bay.  And then the days pass, and the time gets closer, and you start to feel uneasy (okay, fine, I'll say it) I start to feel uneasy.  And I think, maybe I'm just not ready, maybe I need a little more time? You ever feel like that? No? Okay, so let's take a time out on that thought for a second.  No worries, we'll come back to it, I promise.

Some of you may know I had the huge opportunity to tour Europe in 2011 performing in Neutral Hero as a part of New York City Players. Music was a tremendous part of the show.  So not only did I have an incredible time performing throughout Europe, but I became friends with a couple of totally amazing musicians.  Sure we performed music in the show, but we also had sing-alongs in our hotel rooms, maybe a lobby or two, and during, what we like to call, musical brunch.  What's that now?  Yes, I said musical brunch.  More on that in a bit.  Believe me, I have some sort of point.  I'm sure I'll get there eventually.

So when you kinda mention to these musician friends that you've been writing some music, and they offer to lend you their talents, you get so excited because these are real actual gifted musicians.  So you send out an email, and you make plans, and you're excited, and then it gets to be the day before, and you get a little bit nervous, but then you haven't spoken about it in a few weeks, so you start thinking (and yes, by saying you, I mean me) "Oh, maybe it won't happen.  They're probably just really busy, and I'll just send an email and say, 'Hey guys, I know you're so busy, no worries, we can reschedule '" and then before you hit send, you get an email saying "Just checking in about tomorrow...".  Oh shit, it's happening.  So you put your uke in it's plushy, new case (with fears and all) and you hit the road...

My uke is very cute.

to Brooklyn, for Musical Brunch (yay, it's a picture blog day).  Okay, so what the heck is musical brunch you ask?  It's brunch, you know with some bites to eat and some drinks, but mainly it's drinking early in the day without feeling guilty about it because well, it's brunch, oh, and you also play music.  The first time we had musical brunch was in Vienna.  We had it on the grounds of our hotel (and I think it was probably not quite acceptable to play and drink where we did, but when in doubt, just look confused, ya know the look that says Oh, we're American, we don't know any better) .  It looked something like this...

Andie, James and me in Vienna.

So at this point you (and now by you, I do actually mean, you), you may be wondering why I was hoping to postpone musical brunch?  Good question folks.  And the answer is, because I'm insane.  Because going to musical brunch would mean putting myself out there, and quite possibly embarrassing myself in front of my friends. Now if you know these folks, you know they are the nicest and most supportive peeps on the planet, but they are insanely talented, and I am not a trained musician.  Let me translate the voices in my head for you, they go something like this "You are going to make a fool out of yourself.  Do you really think people are gonna like what you write?  Who do you think you are?"  Well, I told those voices to shut the f*#k up, and now back in America, musical brunch looks something like this...

Andie, Katie and James tuning up.

After some heavy carb-loading, and a few mimosas, we got down to business.  Finding some courage I played a bit of my song (and in case you missed my first demo of the song, you can find it in this post:  Resurrections, and when you listen you'll hear why I was nervous to play in front of them), they did what they do best.  We talked about the feel, asking my opinions, giving theirs, working together.  The thing about making music is there are so many possibilities.  It's all about the possibilities, and then making choices.  You try things out, add a solo here, one more measure there, you bring back the melodica, you take away the mandolin, and if it doesn't work, you try something different.  And isn't that what life is all about?  You make a choice, take a chance and if you fall down, you get back up again.

I can't tell you how great it felt to collaborate with my friends, especially listening to them play what I had only heard in my head, only now it sounded better than I imagined.  To me, now it sounds like an actual song.  They've inspired me to do more.  And I am.  I've also decided to set some goals for myself. Wanna hear 'em? Well, you don't have a choice (ok, you do, you can stop reading now, but I hope you don't) 1: to have four-five songs written, and arranged, by September and 2): to record those songs for an EP by the end of the year.  I'm excited and fear free (for now).

I think the time has come to share what we worked on.  We made a little recording again on my trusty iPhone, but I'm so proud to share it.   Mr. James Moore is on guitar, Ms. Andie Tanning Springer is on mandolin and melodica, Ms. Katie Cox is on banjolele (which is a banjo ukuele, and it's seriously the cutest thing ever) and I'm on vocals (yes, I chickened out and didn't play but, come on, it's hard for me to sing and play at the same time...cut me some slack, I'm learning to).   You can hear it by pressing this little link right here:

The Slaughter and the Lamb

And seriously, my friends are terrifically talented, and super amazing humans. I can't thank them enough for sharing their gifts and time with me. You can find out more info on them below:

James Moore
Andie Tanning Springer
Katie Cox

Thanks for listening!

THESE FOOLISH THINGS...

Sometimes I doubt, and loudly. Sometimes the doubts get so loud, and scary, that it hurts. A few months ago they hit me so hard, I felt like I hit a wall. I really questioned if I should still be pursuing this career. I got up on a Saturday morning, took a shower and wept...for a long time. Thankfully, no one saw me because I'm one ugly crier. I mean like U-G-L-Y. Anyway, after I stopped, I realized I'm not ready to give up. BUT I could no longer continue on the same road I was on. Something had to change. Then I sat down to write (I'm not a big journaler, this blog is as journal-ly as I get. I've had a few diaries as a kid with entries like "I hate so and so, so much, everybody loves her blah, blah, blah". I filled in like three pages, and never wrote in them again. But something told me to write down what it felt like at that moment. Well, it felt like rock-bottom, and here it is, in all it's unedited, depressed gory glory:

     This is what rock-bottom looks like, well what it looks like to me. It’s a Saturday, early afternoon in February. Lying on the kitchen floor using a knife to pry the box of Benadryl that had fallen underneath the oven…Benadryl is expensive, when you are broke, not just broke but severely in debt. Rock-bottom is not knowing if you’ll have enough money to pay your health insurance this month or the next, but rock-bottom is knowing that you can no longer live in the state you are in. So there is a choice to be made, whether to continue on your path, albeit in a new direction, to give it up and try something new, or to end it. A brief dialogue goes on in your mind, and you then know in your heart that the option to end it is no option at all. So what to do? Get serious, because none of us have an infinite amount of time, and I’ve wasted enough minutes, and hours, and days, and months that have added up to years of, I can’t say complete failure because I’ve had some successes, and I’ve had some fun, and I’ve held on to my dreams, but holding on, and doing everything I possibly could do to move them forward...are different things, and I know I haven’t. I’m lazy and I get mad that things haven’t happened for me like other people but how can I? Yes, we may have the same dreams and I may even have more talent but they got up, and fell down and got right back up again the next day, and I got up, went to work and went back to sleep again. It’s not enough.

     I’ve spend my entire life afraid of making a fool of myself. God forbid I make a mistake, or even worse? I make a mistake in front of someone else, some one that I admire, or love, or someone I will never ever see again. I am so afraid to make a mistake, I don’t do a damn thing. You can’t get hurt, or embarrassed, or feel like a fool if you don’t do anything, but you can’t grow, and can’t succeed without a risk, a failure, having someone think that you suck, you’re an ass, you’re not good enough. Someone said if you haven’t failed, you haven’t tried hard enough. I haven’t failed enough. I haven’t done ENOUGH. 

     In my some odd thirty years of life, I have never taken a NYC bus ride by myself, why? Oh, right, because I was afraid that I would do the wrong thing and someone might think I was an idiot, or get annoyed that I didn’t know what I was doing, or shake their head at me. I might make a fool of myself, on the bus, in front of strangers. Holy shit, how bad would that be? (Side note: the me right now writing this blog and re-reading this realizes that this is a ridiculous fear, but it was my fear and I'm putting it out there and owning it. Okay, continuing on.) Well, I took a trip on the bus Friday night and I didn’t know I was supposed to use my metro to purchase a receipt for the bus outside of the bus. So I waited for the bus in the cold, got on the bus expecting to use my metro card and Ouch, I was wrong. Off the bus. So I had to wait for another bus...you know what the worst thing was? Waiting in the fucking cold for another bus. I made a mistake in public, and I didn’t die. 

     And so this is my project, my goal for the next 365 days. I do at least one thing a day for my career (write a line to a song, rewrite a line in a script, write a new line, submit for a project, record a song and put it on my website, go on an EPA audition/open call etc) and then document it here. Maybe it’s a small step one day, or maybe it’ll be a leap, but I can no longer play small, or I will HAVE to give this up. I will pick songs that I feel uncomfortable performing or singing. I’m not only here to perform greatly, but I’m here to learn all I can. I will try to make a fool of myself as much as I can, I will risk, because then I will deserve my just rewards. The time to be a fool in now! 

Reading that back now reminds me of what one of my college professors said of my short stories: Melodramatic! I used to watch a lot of soaps as a kid (yep, digressing again). But it's 100% how I felt at that moment, after questioning giving up my dreams, and then firmly believing, and saying NO, I CANNOT DO THAT TO MYSELF! But reading it now also feels like a wake up call once again, because can I honestly say that I've done one thing every single day since February 2nd, the day of my breakdown breakthrough, nope.  That's partly because the "documenting" I mentioned above lasted all of three days, so I don't know what I did, and when I did what (hmm, could consistency be an issue for me?) And, dear friends, it's also because I'm a lazy broad, probably not entirely sloth-like but who's to judge. However, I've written, and I've put myself out there a little more, and I've been embarrassed, and I've stumbled still, and I try to look people in the eye everyday, hold my head up high, and show up for myself...and I haven't felt like quitting, because I don't want to get off this road, because it's where I'm supposed to be. I AM A FOOL, and I'm kinda okay with it (so far)*.


*Looking forward to sharing the result of a little risk I embarked on today (let's say next blog post shall we?)!

À la prochaine Paris...

Until next time!

Well, we bid Paris adieu on Monday morning and when I sat down at my computer in my hotel room in Evry (which is a tiny suburb of Paris, where we are doing one show tonight), I came across a quote. Truth be told, the quote may or may not have been on my phone in the form of a text message from a horoscope site that I may or may not subscribe to (it's free). And it may or may not have been from a few days ago and I never saw it. But whatever it may or may not be, I loved it immediately: "Just because there's a wall in front of you doesn't mean that your journey is over!"

So many times we hit a wall (physical or otherwise) and think, 'Well, that's it, I cannot possibly get past it. Might as well go right, or left, or hell, just go back'. But I believe we can push over the wall, if we really want to. Hell, why not just knock the damn thing down. It won't be easy! And it probably won't happen like a bulldozer at one fell swoop, but it can be chipped away, tiny piece by tiny piece. And maybe when you get to the other side, you'll find that it isn't even what you were looking for, but I know I'll be much happier seeing it for myself and deciding that it's not what I want, instead of wondering just what was on the other side of that stupid thing. That's just how I am.

I've hit many a wall on this journey as a performer (let's not even get into the walls I've hit in my personal life) and they've been in all different shapes and sizes. Some walls were about getting a gig, others happened when I've gotten one. I've even hit a few walls while on this amazing tour. That being said, I was just in Paris, hitting walls there hurt a little less...

Sometimes getting over or through the wall is just about staying in the moment. A few of the shows at the Pompidou were really difficult for me. Physically, I didn't feel at my best and my mind was getting the better of me ("you're getting sick", "you're not going to be able to do this", "you're gonna have to go home") but I had to try and shut that talk off and remember where I was in the moment. I needed to be with the 11 other people I was on stage with and the people in those seats. Now, I'm not superwoman, I didn't stay present in every second, but I fought and I got through it. I got over a wall.

And lets face it, there were times in my life where I hit a rough patch in my career and could've turned back. It would have been much easier than going forward, but if I did, I wouldn't be here. And it is a pretty awesome place to be right now...

I don't know a whole lot about a whole lot, but I know that I'm gonna keep hitting walls on this journey, and so are you, but I'd like to see what's on the other side. It might be pretty nice...

You bet your sweet tooth that that is my dessert! I'm assuming a detox will be in order sometime mid-October. :)

DO IT!!!!!

So another birthday has come and gone and I don't feel a day over 18, ok 21. I had a great time celebrating but I had a really rough night before my birthday. I know that I have a wonderful life and I'm right where I should be (yadda, yadda, yadda), but that doesn't mean that I still don't have to look dissappointment in the eye and face it head on. Something silly happened (silly like getting snubbed by a dumb boy) but it hit me at the wrong time and I felt old and ugly and sad and well, dissappointed. Awww, feel bad for me, cause I certainly did!! ;)

Then I woke up on friday and it was MY DAY, yay (yes, I'm a baby) lol. I ate a bagel, cause it's my birthday, so kiss my ass, diet! And as I read through the paper, I got to the horoscopes. I don't remember what the horoscope was for that day but The Post (ya, I read The Post, they gots the good gossip) gives you an extra horoscope on your birthday. This is what my (along with fellow Strong Islander Lindsay Lohan's) bday horoscope was:

Are you kidding me?? Dear horoscope writer, did you write this just for me? Cause wow, I NEEDED to hear that. My whole perspective changed in a moment!! And you wanna know what my dream was when I was little? I wanted to be a singer! And so you know what I'm gonna focus on? That's right...SINGING (you are brillant, dear readers)!! I've been told before that I should be focusing on singing but I guess I just didn't know where I fit in with it. Pop music is a youth game (I lost out on my chance around the tender age of 26, which isn't really that long ago (I might add lol) and I don't have the belt that they want for Broadway. But I do have a voice and its a damn good one. So even though I don't know where I fit in, I will sing and I will see where that takes me, because singing (and music) brings me joy!!

What did you want to be when you were little? What did you love? What DO you love? Figure it out and then DO IT!!! Even if it's for just a moment, or as a hobby, just do it!! Joy is an amazing thing, and joy brings more joy. Who knows where your joy will take you! Wherever it is, I hope it is magical!!

-RS

S#*t, that’s selfish!!!!

First, I must apologize for my absence last week. I feel I have failed myself (and you) but I’ve convinced myself that because I was performing in my play I could take a week off (truthfully I can justify just about anything because quite frankly, I didn’t have a show last Sunday, so it wasn’t like I couldn’t sit at the computer). Actually, I did sit at my computer and I wrote a little bit about how the festival was going and how we got through it and I think people liked it and then I stopped. I just didn’t feel inspired and I’d rather write something that I care about than just throw words together that are semi-grammatically correct and call it a blog post. Then I actually thought, “does it really matter if I don’t write one this week? Will anyone miss it?” And then I kinda felt like, I don’t even know if anyone reads this so who cares if I don’t post one and so I didn’t. Looking back on it, I’m disappointed with myself that I didn’t write one, because my goal when I started this was to write one weekly and now I can never go back and have that week again. Writing this now, I figured this out…I can’t write for other people. I need to write for myself and hope that it says something to someone or makes someone think, or makes them, in a very tiny way, feel inspired but I CAN’T do it for someone else. Shit, that’s selfish and soo not me, but there it is.

It dawned on me today that I do things for other people (and not like “Oh let me help you cross the street” but more like “wow, they'll finally think I'm worth something if I do this”). I do things for other people’s approval and you know what? That’s utter bullshit!! And you know when I realized it clearly? (I mean, I noticed this trait more than a few times but I didn’t realize that its not okay until I watched the movie Rudy today). Oh I can just hear a few of you chuckling, Rudy? Yes! I’ve never seen the whole thing before and it was one of my dad’s favorite movies. And I can’t honestly tell you I watched the whole thing today either, but I watched the last half hour (pretty much knowing the story of this kid who’s dream it was to play football for Notre Dame even though he was five feet tall and without a huge amount of athletic ability, but he never gave up) until he didn’t make the dress list (which I’ll be honest, I have no idea what the hell that means. My family loves football, I love the commercials at the Super Bowl, but apparently not making the dress list totally sucks). Here’s the part stolen from IMDB that blew my mind…


Fortune: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey what are you doing here don't you have practice?
Rudy: Not anymore I quit.
Fortune: Oh, well since when are you the quitting kind?
Rudy: I don't know, I just don't see the point anymore.
Fortune: So you didn't make the dress list, there are greater tragedies in the world.
Rudy: I wanted to run out of that tunnel for my dad to prove to everyone that I worked...
Fortune: PROVE WHAT?
Rudy: That I was somebody.
Fortune: Oh you are so full of crap. Your five foot nothin', a hundred and nothin' and you hung in with the best college football team in the land for two years, and you were also going to walk out of here with a degree from the University of Notre Dame in this life time you don't have to prove nothing to nobody except yourself and after what you gone through if you haven't done that by now, it ain’t gonna never happen, now go on back.
Rudy: I'm sorry I never got you to see you're first game in here.
Fortune: Hell I've seen too many games in this Stadium.
Rudy: I thought you said you never saw a game...
Fortune: I've never seen a game from the stands.
Rudy: You were a player?
Fortune: I rode the Bench for two years, thought I wasn't being played because of my color I got filled up with a lot of attitude so I quit, still not a week goes by I don't regret it, and I guarantee a week won't go by in your life you won't regret walking out letting them get the best of you. Do you hear me clear enough?


So now I’m about to cry as I watch this, because you know what, that shit is TRUE!!! Who am I doing all of this for, and I’m not talking about this blog, but who is all of this (everything I do) for? Why wasn’t I overwhelmingly proud when we did our first performance at the One-Act festival? Why didn’t I believe my friends and family when they said they liked it? Why do I never hear applause but I can’t forget the one person who doesn’t think I’m pretty enough for this business?? So, and excuse my french, what the F*#K has to happen so that we feel we have accomplished something? Do we need to win an award to feel like we are successful? Why do I need everyone’s (or at least the people I hold in high regard) to swoon over what I do, for it to mean something? And if they said that it was fantastic, would I even believe them? Shouldn’t I just feel like knowing what I did was enough?

So that is what I’m taking with me from this festival. As much as it would be amazing to hear tonight that I made the Finals, I don’t have to make them to feel like I’ve accomplished something. I wrote a play. I got to work with people I love and then I got to perform it for more people I love (and some people I didn’t even know). And then as a bonus, I got to perform it for members of the industry and that’s enough!

So, here’s the deal…I’m gonna continue to write this blog, even if no one reads it because it makes me feel good and it makes me a better writer. And I’m gonna keep writing plays and such, because I want to share things with people and I hope that others feel and think about things when they get performed. And I’m gonna keep acting and singing because deep down in my soul that’s what I feel like I was put here to do, and I’m sorry if I’m not at as good as Meryl or Barbra or Idina or anyone else I will inevitably compare myself to, because I only have to be as good as me! I will continue to try to be as good as I can be, but I can’t be someone else and I can't do it for anyone else’s approval!!

Whew, now this selfish bitch needs a glass of wine! ;)

-RoxyS

I'm Just Gonna Try to Try!!

"With everyone born human, a poet-an artist- is born, who dies young & who is survived by an adult." -Charle-Augustin Sainte-Beuve.

I started reading Julia Cameron's 'The Vein of Gold" and that quote struck me. Mostly because I totally believe it's the truth. So what happens to us as we get older? Does our creativity die? No, but sometimes it becomes buried. Maybe it's because of all the stuff we have to do or maybe it's because all of a sudden we have homework or jobs or a boyfriend or bills and responsibilities, and friends and parties, or FEAR?? I think we let fear come in as we get older. Little kids don't care about making fools of themselves, that doesn't enter their minds, they just do! And yeah, I'm kinda afraid of EVERYTHING!! I hate it, but I am. Where did I get all this fear from? I read a few months ago that what happens in the womb affects a child for the rest of his or her life, so I'm going with that. I'm totally gonna blame my mom, since she perpetually worried for nine months as I was a "surprise" when she was 40 years old (yeah, let's not talk about that lol). I also think that I'm a bit of a perfectionist. So if I can't be 100% fabulous at something (or pretty close to it) I don't want to do it. It's kinda like when I took piano for 5 or 6 years, but it was sooo frustrating for me because no matter how long I practiced I couldn't get everything that was on the page into my hands (yeah, I quit the piano. Man, I still wish I could play, I mean really play.)

The only thing that I'll do over and over without being perfect is performing. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want more than anything to be perfect at it, but I know I'm not and maybe there is no such thing as perfect when it comes to that. I guess I love it so much its okay if I'm not a 100% spot on genius at it. However, I don't put out 100% effort to my career because there are auditions I don't go to because I'm scared. You may be asking yourself, Why wouldn't she go to EVERY audition she could go on and hopefully get where she wants to be? Good question!!!! I have absolutely NO freakin' idea. I can only think of one thing and since I'm no genius, I'm sure I heard this somewhere and remembered it because it resonated with me. But here's what I think: if I don't do what I'm afraid of, I can't fail. If I don't fail, I'm golden, almost perfect. Except, I'm sure as hell not moving forward. So I'll just be the perfect stuck person. I'm starting to really not like this!!!

I've been thinking about this a lot lately actually. Especially about my writing. I wrote a first draft of a play and had a reading of it and got some really good feedback and that was last January. Sure I changed some stuff here and there but I haven't made any real progress in about a year. And why did it take me over 6 months to write a second entry to this blog? Yeah sure I'm busy, we all are, but I can't tell you how many times I've sat at my computer and wanted to write but instead I went on PerezHilton.com, or People.com, or (my personal fav) Facebook, or I checked my email, oh and wait, "I LOVE this movie, I'll watch that now, I'll write something later". Negativo on the progress. You see my blog was perfect just as it was because there was nothing on it to be criticised. My play is perfect because its not finished, hence I won't show it to anyone and no one will tell me it sucks because no one will read it. I so want to write a comedy sketch and my next cabaret but I haven't because what if I do and people don't like it? What if I suck?? So I don't do anything. I'm just stuck.

So what am I gonna do? See a shrink? I'd love to, but my insurance doesn't cover it and God knows I cannot afford to charge another cent lol. So I've decided one of my "resolutions" (the quotes are because I hate that word) but irregardless of that fact, one of my resolutions for 2010 is to be a little bit kinder to myself' and just do things, things that scare the crap out of me. Even if I fail and totally humiliate myself, I will TRY! I have no idea how good I'll be at trying, but I'm not gonna pressure myself about the trying. I'm just gonna try to try! I'm gonna try to audition more and just write, even if it sucks!! Like Nike, I'm gonna just do it, as corny as it sounds lol!! And I think you should too! I'll let you know how I'm doing! I'd love to hear from you too.

Btw, I can't tell you how many times I've read and reread this entry, because I'm still worried that it's not perfect and that people will hate it (yep, I'm totally nuts, ha)! But now I'm letting it go and pressing publish. Do what you will with it! My 'trying' starts today! And if you like any of what I wrote please follow my blog and we can 'try' together! :) Yes, I'm a corny, nerd! It's just all part of my charm!!!!

Blessings!
RoxyStrago