So this is officially the first time I'm posting a blog. I guess you can say that I've been blogging in my head for sometime now (I think we all do), but like many things in my life I never seem to have the time or set out enough time to stop and write things down, or get things done that I want to do. So today is the day. Why? You may be asking why today is the day? (And it actually has nothing to do with the deaths of two superstars, although sudden passings always seem to make us appreciate our lives and the people we love for a few extra hours) but it has to do with my day and how it is now making me question what I should be doing with my life.
It kinda shook me today when I found myself asking if I should be an "artist". I know that sounds pretentious that word "artist" but I love to perform & create & make people laugh. I have ever since I was little. I may have never been loud or boisterous when I was younger (can't say I'm like that now) but get me on a stage and watch out. Which is why I named this blog Roxy Strago (its a nickname given to me by a good friend, perhaps I'll reveal the origin at a later date) but I think of 'her' as my alter ego, my "stage" name, my Sasha Fierce!! But I'm starting to question the business part of this, well, business. When did having talent label you not good enough just because you weren't the winner of the genetic lottery (and for the record, I'm not a troll, some may even consider me pretty and some of those people may not even be drunk, but I ain't no Angelina Jolie) and there is the rub.
I'm not an idiot. I knew when I chose this (or it chose me?) as my profession, it was not going to be an easy one. I've heard the horror stories, the disappointments, the struggles, the lack of health insurance, the sleeping in closets, etc. but I always thought that the rewards of performance would out way it all. I truly felt destined to do this!! Its getting harder to believe. Now tomorrow I may wake up and feel completely different, I do that sometimes. But today was a tough one.
I met with someone today who is supposed to help me further my acting career and I'm sure that's true, this person can, but I ended up feeling miserable after said meeting. I was told today that I'm not beautiful, rather I'm pleasant looking, and I didn't have a "look". I need to lose weight, change my hair and makeup, be more glamorous, maybe get colored contacts, make my eyebrows thicker, get my eyelashes longer. Now this is not the first time someone in the industry has been critical of my appearance. One time someone told me my teeth were too white. Um, seriously? Is that even a possibility? Apparently so! I know this person was trying to be helpful, but is there no "normal" looking people on stage today, on television, in the movies? I mean someone always has to play the best friend right? (Thanks Paul Rudnick for your brilliant monologue). And I continue to try to improve myself on a daily basis: my craft, my patience, my confidence, my fearfulness, my jean size but to what extent do I need to lose myself to get the chance to play someone else?!
Yes, I'm frustrated today and like I said, tomorrow is a new day but its making me think. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this? Should I stop pursuing my dream? The answer to that question doesn't feel like a yes yet. So maybe I need to take control of my career, so much so that no one's "opinion" on my looks or whether I look bohemian or not, or the length of my lashes matters. So what should I do? I don't know but the only thing I can think of right now is to write.
Well, welcome to the world of Roxy Strago, beautiful or not!
