Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I'm Just Gonna Try to Try!!

"With everyone born human, a poet-an artist- is born, who dies young & who is survived by an adult." -Charle-Augustin Sainte-Beuve.

I started reading Julia Cameron's 'The Vein of Gold" and that quote struck me. Mostly because I totally believe it's the truth. So what happens to us as we get older? Does our creativity die? No, but sometimes it becomes buried. Maybe it's because of all the stuff we have to do or maybe it's because all of a sudden we have homework or jobs or a boyfriend or bills and responsibilities, and friends and parties, or FEAR?? I think we let fear come in as we get older. Little kids don't care about making fools of themselves, that doesn't enter their minds, they just do! And yeah, I'm kinda afraid of EVERYTHING!! I hate it, but I am. Where did I get all this fear from? I read a few months ago that what happens in the womb affects a child for the rest of his or her life, so I'm going with that. I'm totally gonna blame my mom, since she perpetually worried for nine months as I was a "surprise" when she was 40 years old (yeah, let's not talk about that lol). I also think that I'm a bit of a perfectionist. So if I can't be 100% fabulous at something (or pretty close to it) I don't want to do it. It's kinda like when I took piano for 5 or 6 years, but it was sooo frustrating for me because no matter how long I practiced I couldn't get everything that was on the page into my hands (yeah, I quit the piano. Man, I still wish I could play, I mean really play.)

The only thing that I'll do over and over without being perfect is performing. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want more than anything to be perfect at it, but I know I'm not and maybe there is no such thing as perfect when it comes to that. I guess I love it so much its okay if I'm not a 100% spot on genius at it. However, I don't put out 100% effort to my career because there are auditions I don't go to because I'm scared. You may be asking yourself, Why wouldn't she go to EVERY audition she could go on and hopefully get where she wants to be? Good question!!!! I have absolutely NO freakin' idea. I can only think of one thing and since I'm no genius, I'm sure I heard this somewhere and remembered it because it resonated with me. But here's what I think: if I don't do what I'm afraid of, I can't fail. If I don't fail, I'm golden, almost perfect. Except, I'm sure as hell not moving forward. So I'll just be the perfect stuck person. I'm starting to really not like this!!!

I've been thinking about this a lot lately actually. Especially about my writing. I wrote a first draft of a play and had a reading of it and got some really good feedback and that was last January. Sure I changed some stuff here and there but I haven't made any real progress in about a year. And why did it take me over 6 months to write a second entry to this blog? Yeah sure I'm busy, we all are, but I can't tell you how many times I've sat at my computer and wanted to write but instead I went on PerezHilton.com, or People.com, or (my personal fav) Facebook, or I checked my email, oh and wait, "I LOVE this movie, I'll watch that now, I'll write something later". Negativo on the progress. You see my blog was perfect just as it was because there was nothing on it to be criticised. My play is perfect because its not finished, hence I won't show it to anyone and no one will tell me it sucks because no one will read it. I so want to write a comedy sketch and my next cabaret but I haven't because what if I do and people don't like it? What if I suck?? So I don't do anything. I'm just stuck.

So what am I gonna do? See a shrink? I'd love to, but my insurance doesn't cover it and God knows I cannot afford to charge another cent lol. So I've decided one of my "resolutions" (the quotes are because I hate that word) but irregardless of that fact, one of my resolutions for 2010 is to be a little bit kinder to myself' and just do things, things that scare the crap out of me. Even if I fail and totally humiliate myself, I will TRY! I have no idea how good I'll be at trying, but I'm not gonna pressure myself about the trying. I'm just gonna try to try! I'm gonna try to audition more and just write, even if it sucks!! Like Nike, I'm gonna just do it, as corny as it sounds lol!! And I think you should too! I'll let you know how I'm doing! I'd love to hear from you too.

Btw, I can't tell you how many times I've read and reread this entry, because I'm still worried that it's not perfect and that people will hate it (yep, I'm totally nuts, ha)! But now I'm letting it go and pressing publish. Do what you will with it! My 'trying' starts today! And if you like any of what I wrote please follow my blog and we can 'try' together! :) Yes, I'm a corny, nerd! It's just all part of my charm!!!!


Thursday, June 25, 2009

Who is Roxy Strago? Let me know when you figure it out ok?

So this is officially the first time I'm posting a blog. I guess you can say that I've been blogging in my head for sometime now (I think we all do), but like many things in my life I never seem to have the time or set out enough time to stop and write things down, or get things done that I want to do. So today is the day. Why? You may be asking why today is the day? (And it actually has nothing to do with the deaths of two superstars, although sudden passings always seem to make us appreciate our lives and the people we love for a few extra hours) but it has to do with my day and how it is now making me question what I should be doing with my life.

It kinda shook me today when I found myself asking if I should be an "artist". I know that sounds pretentious that word "artist" but I love to perform & create & make people laugh. I have ever since I was little. I may have never been loud or boisterous when I was younger (can't say I'm like that now) but get me on a stage and watch out. Which is why I named this blog Roxy Strago (its a nickname given to me by a good friend, perhaps I'll reveal the origin at a later date) but I think of 'her' as my alter ego, my "stage" name, my Sasha Fierce!! But I'm starting to question the business part of this, well, business. When did having talent label you not good enough just because you weren't the winner of the genetic lottery (and for the record, I'm not a troll, some may even consider me pretty and some of those people may not even be drunk, but I ain't no Angelina Jolie) and there is the rub.

I'm not an idiot. I knew when I chose this (or it chose me?) as my profession, it was not going to be an easy one. I've heard the horror stories, the disappointments, the struggles, the lack of health insurance, the sleeping in closets, etc. but I always thought that the rewards of performance would out way it all. I truly felt destined to do this!! Its getting harder to believe. Now tomorrow I may wake up and feel completely different, I do that sometimes. But today was a tough one.

I met with someone today who is supposed to help me further my acting career and I'm sure that's true, this person can, but I ended up feeling miserable after said meeting. I was told today that I'm not beautiful, rather I'm pleasant looking, and I didn't have a "look". I need to lose weight, change my hair and makeup, be more glamorous, maybe get colored contacts, make my eyebrows thicker, get my eyelashes longer. Now this is not the first time someone in the industry has been critical of my appearance. One time someone told me my teeth were too white. Um, seriously? Is that even a possibility? Apparently so! I know this person was trying to be helpful, but is there no "normal" looking people on stage today, on television, in the movies? I mean someone always has to play the best friend right? (Thanks Paul Rudnick for your brilliant monologue). And I continue to try to improve myself on a daily basis: my craft, my patience, my confidence, my fearfulness, my jean size but to what extent do I need to lose myself to get the chance to play someone else?!

Yes, I'm frustrated today and like I said, tomorrow is a new day but its making me think. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this? Should I stop pursuing my dream? The answer to that question doesn't feel like a yes yet. So maybe I need to take control of my career, so much so that no one's "opinion" on my looks or whether I look bohemian or not, or the length of my lashes matters. So what should I do? I don't know but the only thing I can think of right now is to write.

Well, welcome to the world of Roxy Strago, beautiful or not!