Sunday, March 28, 2010

S#*t, that’s selfish!!!!

First, I must apologize for my absence last week. I feel I have failed myself (and you) but I’ve convinced myself that because I was performing in my play I could take a week off (truthfully I can justify just about anything because quite frankly, I didn’t have a show last Sunday, so it wasn’t like I couldn’t sit at the computer). Actually, I did sit at my computer and I wrote a little bit about how the festival was going and how we got through it and I think people liked it and then I stopped. I just didn’t feel inspired and I’d rather write something that I care about than just throw words together that are semi-grammatically correct and call it a blog post. Then I actually thought, “does it really matter if I don’t write one this week? Will anyone miss it?” And then I kinda felt like, I don’t even know if anyone reads this so who cares if I don’t post one and so I didn’t. Looking back on it, I’m disappointed with myself that I didn’t write one, because my goal when I started this was to write one weekly and now I can never go back and have that week again. Writing this now, I figured this out…I can’t write for other people. I need to write for myself and hope that it says something to someone or makes someone think, or makes them, in a very tiny way, feel inspired but I CAN’T do it for someone else. Shit, that’s selfish and soo not me, but there it is.

It dawned on me today that I do things for other people (and not like “Oh let me help you cross the street” but more like “wow, they'll finally think I'm worth something if I do this”). I do things for other people’s approval and you know what? That’s utter bullshit!! And you know when I realized it clearly? (I mean, I noticed this trait more than a few times but I didn’t realize that its not okay until I watched the movie Rudy today). Oh I can just hear a few of you chuckling, Rudy? Yes! I’ve never seen the whole thing before and it was one of my dad’s favorite movies. And I can’t honestly tell you I watched the whole thing today either, but I watched the last half hour (pretty much knowing the story of this kid who’s dream it was to play football for Notre Dame even though he was five feet tall and without a huge amount of athletic ability, but he never gave up) until he didn’t make the dress list (which I’ll be honest, I have no idea what the hell that means. My family loves football, I love the commercials at the Super Bowl, but apparently not making the dress list totally sucks). Here’s the part stolen from IMDB that blew my mind…

Fortune: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey what are you doing here don't you have practice?
Rudy: Not anymore I quit.
Fortune: Oh, well since when are you the quitting kind?
Rudy: I don't know, I just don't see the point anymore.
Fortune: So you didn't make the dress list, there are greater tragedies in the world.
Rudy: I wanted to run out of that tunnel for my dad to prove to everyone that I worked...
Fortune: PROVE WHAT?
Rudy: That I was somebody.
Fortune: Oh you are so full of crap. Your five foot nothin', a hundred and nothin' and you hung in with the best college football team in the land for two years, and you were also going to walk out of here with a degree from the University of Notre Dame in this life time you don't have to prove nothing to nobody except yourself and after what you gone through if you haven't done that by now, it ain’t gonna never happen, now go on back.
Rudy: I'm sorry I never got you to see you're first game in here.
Fortune: Hell I've seen too many games in this Stadium.
Rudy: I thought you said you never saw a game...
Fortune: I've never seen a game from the stands.
Rudy: You were a player?
Fortune: I rode the Bench for two years, thought I wasn't being played because of my color I got filled up with a lot of attitude so I quit, still not a week goes by I don't regret it, and I guarantee a week won't go by in your life you won't regret walking out letting them get the best of you. Do you hear me clear enough?

So now I’m about to cry as I watch this, because you know what, that shit is TRUE!!! Who am I doing all of this for, and I’m not talking about this blog, but who is all of this (everything I do) for? Why wasn’t I overwhelmingly proud when we did our first performance at the One-Act festival? Why didn’t I believe my friends and family when they said they liked it? Why do I never hear applause but I can’t forget the one person who doesn’t think I’m pretty enough for this business?? So, and excuse my french, what the F*#K has to happen so that we feel we have accomplished something? Do we need to win an award to feel like we are successful? Why do I need everyone’s (or at least the people I hold in high regard) to swoon over what I do, for it to mean something? And if they said that it was fantastic, would I even believe them? Shouldn’t I just feel like knowing what I did was enough?

So that is what I’m taking with me from this festival. As much as it would be amazing to hear tonight that I made the Finals, I don’t have to make them to feel like I’ve accomplished something. I wrote a play. I got to work with people I love and then I got to perform it for more people I love (and some people I didn’t even know). And then as a bonus, I got to perform it for members of the industry and that’s enough!

So, here’s the deal…I’m gonna continue to write this blog, even if no one reads it because it makes me feel good and it makes me a better writer. And I’m gonna keep writing plays and such, because I want to share things with people and I hope that others feel and think about things when they get performed. And I’m gonna keep acting and singing because deep down in my soul that’s what I feel like I was put here to do, and I’m sorry if I’m not at as good as Meryl or Barbra or Idina or anyone else I will inevitably compare myself to, because I only have to be as good as me! I will continue to try to be as good as I can be, but I can’t be someone else and I can't do it for anyone else’s approval!!

Whew, now this selfish bitch needs a glass of wine! ;)


Sunday, March 14, 2010

There's no business like show!!

Okay so I don’t know if this week’s blog will be that long or chock full of anything inspiring (well come to think it, is it ever? Lol), but its only because the time has come: Its show week!!! Yes, I’m excited and yes, I’m anxious. As I was just telling my friend Joe (before we went over lines over the phone) that I’m anxious. I’m trying to figure out why, because I truly believe that the play will go wonderfully (we’ve done the work), so what the hell am I anxious about? I think I’m anxious about being anxious before the show. I know me before a show (and if you been reading this blog, you know me too). So now I’m anxious about how I’m gonna feel before this show. Has my craziness really come to this??

I’ve been uneasy all day (with a strong need to throw up, no worries, I didn’t). I had a headache (I want to blame it on the weather, it may just be my body starting to freak out about Thursday). Who knows, but I’ve decided to try to relax. So I’m watching Godspell. I can just hear half the readers (all 5 five of you) saying, “What”? and the other half saying, “I love Godspell”! Godspell is probably my favorite musical and before my senior year in high school I did the show. And I had maybe the most fun doing a show ever. So I decided to watch it now. Maybe it will help me to remember how much fun performing can be. And if not, maybe Jesus will send me some good vibes of his own for the show, lol!

I just want to take this time to thank Joe Iozzi (the other actor in my play) and Corinne Lee (my director) for all their hard work and for taking a chance on me and this play. In January, I set out to write this and it just a few short days will be performing it in front of a paid audience. It’s amazing to me! So now this week, I am determined to have fun!! Crazy, I know.

If you guys want to get tickets to the festival, you can do so at: We are "The Rooftop Play".

And as I finish this blog, I have just gotten a hive!! I can’t even have a drink because this week I was stricken with a cold and now I’m on antibiotics!! Ahhhh, there’s no business like show business!! Hahahahahaha!! Until next week!


Sunday, March 7, 2010

Which way to the red carpet ride?

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this while watching the red carpet before the show!

Can’t believe I’m not going to be able to watch the Academy Awards!!! The Party’s over!!! And if you have Cablevision then you know what I’m talking about!! It’s completely unfair! It’s all about money (just like everything else) and it makes my blood boil. But I am watching the red carpet on my couch writing this blog, coughing up my lungs (yes I have a cold too so this day is turning out to be fun!) and I am thinking about these people’s lives and I wonder what they thought of before they hit it big. Did they think that they would be on that red carpet one day? Did they just do the work, working their hardest and one day they woke up with a nomination? I don’t know but it just makes me think (and this is very optimistic of me) you never know where life can take you (yeah, sometimes it takes you to really crappy places, I know I’ve been there a few times and I know you have too) but life can also take you to unexpected and exciting places as well, but and it’s a really big but, you need to be in it! You need to show up and be prepared and then be flexible enough to go with the wave. You need to put yourself out there and experience it! (I'm learning this slowly or at least putting it into action.) You never know when you turn the corner what will be waiting for you and I’m starting to get excited about that (hold on while I get a tissue as I just sneezed). I’m not usually excited about the unknown but when you think about all the great things that can happen, it’s easier to feel that way. I’m excited about all the great things that are possible!

Here’s another thing that I can’t believe I’m actually going to do but I’m gonna quote Simon Cowell. Yes, it has come this. I watched American Idol on Tuesday (which I don’t usually do until it’s the top 10 because I can’t care about all these people, lol) but I watched. And one guy (I think it was the mullet kid) was talking about how he threw up before he would play a sport and now he throws up before he sings (although I’ve never thrown up before a performance, I can relate to him). Well he sang, did a pretty ok job and then Simon Cowell basically told him to stop it. Then he said, “The only time to be nervous is when you are useless”. Interesting thought! Not sure I totally agree but I’m gonna try to accept it because I know that I’m not useless (well I am in some places, like the kitchen and with cleaning agents like a mop and soap and things of that nature, lol) but I’m definitely not useless on the stage (not saying I’m incredible, but I have something to give).

Then he said, “Take your opportunity and do your best”! So on March 18th and 19th (when my One-Act goes up for the first time) I will take my opportunity and do my best. I have no idea what will happen and I have no idea if people will like it but I’ll be there, I’ll take my opportunity and I will do my best. I’m gonna show up and be ready. And I’m gonna see where this ride will take me. It may take me nowhere but I will learn from it regardless. I’m excited about this unknown. If you want to take the ride with me, you can come see the show (shameless plug lol). The tickets will be sold on but unfortunately the tickets are not on sale as of yet!

Now, I’m gonna try to find some place on the world wide web to watch the show (without getting a virus)! And if I can’t see it, then I’ll try to do something that will be proactive for my career or I’ll eat something cause that makes me happy too, lol!! Be in your life, you gotta be in it to win it baby!

Update: I found a site online, but in the end it didn’t matter, ABC was back on! Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! It’s called the Academy Awards! No worries, I ate something too!