COMPOSING MY LIFE

First blog post of 2015. Woohoo!! Break out the champagne! It only took me more than half the year to hit 'publish', but let's not dwell on my lack of consistency, nor my procrastination. Instead, let's be crazy and focus on the positive. Let's focus on what I've actually been doing when I'm not writing this blog. I finished recording an album of songs I wrote with my amazing band, Red Wine + Whiskey. A song I wrote made the Top 10 of the Davenport Songwriting Contest for musical theatre, and I was lucky enough to perform it at the Davenport Theater in NYC. I started my own production company, Roxy Strago Productions. And I produced, directed and acted in a short film that I also wrote, called "Composing Life" (I swear I'm not a control freak, really...lack of money means you need to do more)!

I'm not writing any of this for a pat on the back.  Honestly, aside from feeling exhausted when I typed the above, I don't feel any more successful than I did when I published my last post in October, 2014. Okay, that's not entirely true.  I've succeeded in one main area. And it's pretty important. I did all of those things while I was totally and utterly petrified.  I did them while I was not 100% ready. I did them while those little voices kept saying to me "Who do you think you are to do this? You're not a real musician, you think any one will like these songs? You aren't that talented.  You're not really a writer.  You're barely an actor, how the hell are you going to direct real actors? You're gonna FAIL!"

#regramed from @belcoaching

Yep, it's true, my inner critic is an Asshole, and yep, I'm pretty much afraid of everything, and yep, those voices can be pretty damn convincing, but one voice was LOUDER. And that was the one that told me that I'm here for a reason, and when I jump a net would appear.  I know those other voices are only trying to protect me, but ultimately, they're wrong.  I appreciate their intentions, but they are fucking wrong.  And so I decided that I would hear them, but I would no longer listen to them. I OWE it to myself to do everything in my power to live the life I dream of. And after years of waiting for permission that never came from the powers that be in this industry, I decided to stop waiting for it. I just started to DO! And my God, it's empowering. It's still scary, but for so long I've heard that the best things happen when you're out of your comfort zone, and for the first time I've lived it. I continue to live it. 

Our album hasn't been released yet, I didn't win that contest, my company hasn't made a dime, and we're still editing this little film of mine; I have no idea how any of this will turn out. I'm still going to do it. And for a change of pace, I'm going to think positively about it. Though I'm not foolish enough to believe things are gonna be less scary.  They'll probably be more frightening, and I'll probably start getting enough points on my rewards card at my liquor store for discounts. I just refuse to let fear hold me back.  There's a Robert H. Schuller quote that says, "What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?" Do that! I know it's not totally realistic, there's no guarantees in this life.  But do it anyway. You owe it to yourself.

Here's a little iPhone recording of one of the scenes from "Composing Life" being shot on May 30th. More to come. I'm excited (well, excited and scared).

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Questions...

So I made this promise to myself that I'd publish a new post every other week and I started to have a bit of a panic when I headed into the second week and I had no idea what to write about. That's not entirely true, I had a few 'ideas', none of which seemed to be organic but rather just something to say. I could have rambled on about the audition I went on last week but I don't know that I have anything inspirational to say about it. Well, I showed up, that's good, right?

It wasn't until I was meditating on Wednesday night (Yes, I meditate. I think I do, anyway. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure if what I do is meditating. If so, I'm probably doing it wrong. And no, that doesn't give me any anxiety at all during the one thing that is supposed to clear my mind and calm me down. And yes, my sarcasm seems to still be in tact). Anyway, during this "meditation" a thought popped in to my head (isn't a thought a so called "no, no" in meditation?); so this thought was about my goal, writing and recording these songs, and then immediately, this string of overwhelmingly negative thoughts flooded in. They sounded something like this, "Go ahead and do it, but no one will care, because the things you put out into the world do not get noticed in the ways other people's do. You do not affect people in the way you hope to. You will be disappointed yet again".

I tried to stop these thoughts, but did you ever try to NOT think about something? Let's try it now, do not think about orange...yep, all you can do is think about oranges, or the color orange, or an oompa loompa, right? And if you successfully did not think of orange, I want to know your secret. So I started to let those thoughts go, and they were replaced by many questions. Why am I doing this? Really, what is my motivation for all of this? This blog? This music? This career? What am I doing it for? Am I doing it so that I can look on my blog's main page and see how many hits I've gotten (don't think I don't do it, because I do, and readership has declined last post), or how many people listen to my clips on SoundCloud (yep, check that too), or what about how many comments I get on my statuses? Do we just do things now for a like on Facebook? Does it validate who we are if we have a few more 'friends' than our neighbor? Will I still be happy with myself if those thoughts come true and what I put out into the world, though it may make me feel proud, and productive, and of some service to the world, go unnoticed? Will I truly be okay with that? And if not, what am I doing it for? I told you, questions have come up, and I'm now struggling to find those answers.

Sure I think it's human to want to be accepted and liked. We want to matter. We want to be heard. But does it make you less of a gift if some one hates on your YouTube clip? And on that note, what's worse: a negative comment, or being completely ignored? I've dealt with both and I don't know. I'm trying to not hold onto the outcomes. I hope that what I share finds the people that might benefit from it, and I think I need to accept that it's okay if it's only a handful of people. I need to let go of thinking that my work is less important if only a hundred people hear it. Do I hope that thousands or hey, might as well dream big here, millions of people stumble upon my work one day and enjoy it, heck even love it? Of course. But if that is not the case, I hope I can look inside and know that I am the same worthwhile person I was before. And I will not let the fear of disappointment get the best of me. I may create something that people dislike, or have no opinion about, or completely ignore, but I will have done what I dreamt of doing. Maybe that's why I do it, because I have to.

In the end, I believe there's a plan. And when you follow your passions and dreams wholeheartedly, they'll lead you to your best life (maybe that's singing in front of 13,000 people, or maybe it's 13, you just won't know until you go out and sing). And if we're happy with who we are, with what we are contributing to the world, and the life we are living, we might just be okay.