COMPOSING MY LIFE

First blog post of 2015. Woohoo!! Break out the champagne! It only took me more than half the year to hit 'publish', but let's not dwell on my lack of consistency, nor my procrastination. Instead, let's be crazy and focus on the positive. Let's focus on what I've actually been doing when I'm not writing this blog. I finished recording an album of songs I wrote with my amazing band, Red Wine + Whiskey. A song I wrote made the Top 10 of the Davenport Songwriting Contest for musical theatre, and I was lucky enough to perform it at the Davenport Theater in NYC. I started my own production company, Roxy Strago Productions. And I produced, directed and acted in a short film that I also wrote, called "Composing Life" (I swear I'm not a control freak, really...lack of money means you need to do more)!

I'm not writing any of this for a pat on the back.  Honestly, aside from feeling exhausted when I typed the above, I don't feel any more successful than I did when I published my last post in October, 2014. Okay, that's not entirely true.  I've succeeded in one main area. And it's pretty important. I did all of those things while I was totally and utterly petrified.  I did them while I was not 100% ready. I did them while those little voices kept saying to me "Who do you think you are to do this? You're not a real musician, you think any one will like these songs? You aren't that talented.  You're not really a writer.  You're barely an actor, how the hell are you going to direct real actors? You're gonna FAIL!"

#regramed from @belcoaching

Yep, it's true, my inner critic is an Asshole, and yep, I'm pretty much afraid of everything, and yep, those voices can be pretty damn convincing, but one voice was LOUDER. And that was the one that told me that I'm here for a reason, and when I jump a net would appear.  I know those other voices are only trying to protect me, but ultimately, they're wrong.  I appreciate their intentions, but they are fucking wrong.  And so I decided that I would hear them, but I would no longer listen to them. I OWE it to myself to do everything in my power to live the life I dream of. And after years of waiting for permission that never came from the powers that be in this industry, I decided to stop waiting for it. I just started to DO! And my God, it's empowering. It's still scary, but for so long I've heard that the best things happen when you're out of your comfort zone, and for the first time I've lived it. I continue to live it. 

Our album hasn't been released yet, I didn't win that contest, my company hasn't made a dime, and we're still editing this little film of mine; I have no idea how any of this will turn out. I'm still going to do it. And for a change of pace, I'm going to think positively about it. Though I'm not foolish enough to believe things are gonna be less scary.  They'll probably be more frightening, and I'll probably start getting enough points on my rewards card at my liquor store for discounts. I just refuse to let fear hold me back.  There's a Robert H. Schuller quote that says, "What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?" Do that! I know it's not totally realistic, there's no guarantees in this life.  But do it anyway. You owe it to yourself.

Here's a little iPhone recording of one of the scenes from "Composing Life" being shot on May 30th. More to come. I'm excited (well, excited and scared).

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If Just One Persons Believes...

I've heard it said the hardest part of doing anything is starting. It's especially true when you are staring at a blank page, like what I'm faced with each time I attempt to write this blog. The past few weeks of writing weren't that difficult because I had experienced some sort of struggle almost daily, and so I had a lot to think about and express, and I guess learn; which makes writing easier, at least it does for me.  See, I think I'm having such a hard time with this post because what I've felt this past week wasn't an overwhelming sense of fear, but gratitude.  Pure gratitude, for where I am right now, for things that have led me here, for the future and for the people in my life who have supported me.   So the question is, can I be happy and write a meaningful blog post?  I don't know, but I'm going to try.  I mean this post is already late by my self imposed deadline anyway, so I'll struggle on.

Now, I'm well aware that you learn from your failures/negative experiences, and that means we shouldn't be afraid to fail, but I also think you can learn from the good things as well.  BUT just for old time's sake, let's start first with a disappointment. My Indiegogo campaign ended this past week and I didn't raise as much as I'd hoped. Heading into the last week of the campaign I felt angry.  Why does potato salad raise $55,000.00 and I'm having trouble raising more than a thousand?  Oh, and then things started to get really ugly when I began to list (a mental one, but still not pretty) all the people who didn't donate (people who I have given to and people who I knew could afford to give, but hadn't) and then thankfully I had an Oprah "A ha" moment.  I realized that no one owes me anything.  I had this dream, on my own and not one person (except for maybe my mom) was obligated to give me a dime. And when I contributed to anyone else's campaign, it was never because I expected a payback.  I gave to support my friends.  So I released the NEED to raise money, and I let it go (please don't sing). I also forgave all those people on my mental list, though they had done absolutely nothing wrong to be forgiven for, but I needed to do it for myself. And crazily enough, once I did that, I raised more money (maybe it's a coincidence because most people wait 'til the last minute to contribute, but I don't so).  And I continue to receive support now that the campaign is over.    

Yes, I failed!!!  I did not reach my goal on Indiegogo, but I have gained so much more (get ready, I'm going to get positive now).  The support I did receive was overwhelming, because I realized that those people who contributed to my film did so because they truly wanted to.  No one had to open their wallets and contribute any of their hard earned cash, but they did.  And as I thanked each person, I received notes back full of support.  When I yelled at someone for what they gave and asked "Are you crazy?" they simply responded "No, I just love you and believe in you".  And then I wept, at my desk, at work, and it was embarrassing.  I don't think I have ever actually heard those words said to me before. And if they were said, I either hadn't really listened or I just didn't believe them.

With all these people believing in me, I can't let them down by not believing in myself.  And as I move forward getting ready to go into the studio, and search for a cinematographer, there are moments of fear.  What if the songs don't sound like I want them to? What if I choose the wrong person?  What if what I've written isn't any good?  But, and here's the biggie, what if I truly believe in myself (like my friends do) and listen to my instincts, and trust my gut?  Imagine that!!  I have to believe that if I do that I'll be where I need to be.  I'm not saying it will be perfect, but I believe it will be the perfect place for me, in the perfect time.

And Lord knows I can ramble on and on with my non-perfect sentences, but honestly, I don't think I can say it better than Bernadette Peters and the Muppets. Special thanks to my dear friend Polly McKie for introducing me to this, and to all those friends and family members who believe in me.  You make it essential that I believe in myself, and with that, anything is possible:

UPDATE: Let's share the love.  I had this thought this morning (after posting very late last night), what if we all thought of one person that you believe in (they don't need to be in the performing arts) and you told them so.  Or maybe you tweet them with #Ibelieveinyou!  Or if you don't feel comfortable telling them personally, why not say a prayer for them or send them good thoughts and root for them that way.  You never know who needs to feel your belief right now! 

It's funny how these doubts keep growing.

Two weeks ago I launched an Indiegogo campaign to raise money for this passion project of mine, and just like that, I received two generous contributions.  I was thrilled!  This was going to be a piece of cake.  My friends and family would see how devoted I was to making this happen and click that pink button of support.  And strangers would see the link shared by said friends and family, discover that it's a funny yet worthwhile project, and they too would want to help.  So of course, throughout the day any time my phone 'dinged' (yes, my phone dings) with an email alert, I immediately knew it was another contribution.  And since you are all brilliant people, I'm sure it comes as no surprise to you, I was wrong...Nothing.

I tried to tell myself it doesn't matter.  Even if no one else contributes another dime, somehow I would make this film.  But little by little this was just another thing for those negative voices to grab a hold of, make me doubt myself, and then doubt some more, because to me, in that moment, the amount of contributions told the story of what everyone thought of me.  And it wasn't a very good story.  It felt like no one believed in me or my talent; that no one believed in this project; that no one cared.  I was all alone in this world.

Now if you are looking at the paragraph above from a rational, non-emotional and calm perspective you would think I should go straight to a shrink, and looking back right now, from the other side, I can see that it does seem a bit cray.  And though I cannot fully explain it, those feelings felt 100% real. When you are in that dark place of fear and doubt and insecurity, it's relatively easy to go from "Maybe my post isn't reaching everyone I'm trying to reach" to "I guess no one believes in this project" to "I'm completely alone in the world".  And so I broke down and cried my eyes out.

I also failed to mention that earlier that day I held the door for a woman who was on her phone.  She walked right into the overpriced coffee chain, that continuously spells my name incorrectly, without a thank you.  So I, loudly and passive aggressively, said "You're welcome".  She came back out and said "Thank you.  I'm sorry you need to be validated".  I really wanted to call her a few choice names, but by some strange act of God I restrained myself and just said, "No, I'm sorry that you have no manners".  Then I realized that, though she was rude, she was right.  I do need to be validated.  I do need to feel like I matter, that what I do matters, that people like me, that I count, that everyone knows I exist...I can continue, but I'll spare you.  And that's what the lack of contributions was feeding into, my lack of feeling validated.

I wish I could finish this post with an epiphany; that I found the remedy for this need of validation, because I would totally share it with you and make the time you wasted reading this worthwhile, but if you came here for all the answers, I think you now know you came to the wrong place.  I'm struggling right with you (at least I think you might struggle too, if not, please impart some of your wisdom).  Instead, here I sit, with a new recognition and a few realizations:

1. The entire world does not revolve around me and what I want.  I never thought that I thought it did, but apparently there's a small part of me that thinks it does, or it should.  I'm embarrassed to admit it, but there it is. 
2. What other people feel about me and my talent should have no affect on how I feel about myself and my talent.  But at times it can feel like that's all that matters.
3. The amount of "support" I get, or do not get, for this project does not reflect my self-worth, or the worthiness of this film.   
4. I should probably see a shrink.

I need to work on these things daily (aside from the shrink, because I cannot afford one, so I drink, I kid, but really I can't afford one), just stating them doesn't make them a reality in my life.  So the only solution I can think of is to keep going, to continue to do the work because ultimately, that's what's important.  Having doubts does not mean I will stop!  I also know I will hit more walls as I move forward; this is just the first one to climb over.  And most importantly, I still believe "If you build it, they will come", so I'm starting to build this foundation.  I choose to believe the right people will find and support this film, and I will be stronger for the journey.

Now since this film is a comedy with original music, I had an idea to write a witty song for our Indiegogo campaign and luckily I had some extremely talented friends sing along (a few just happen to be in "Composing Life" as well).  I couldn't be more grateful for their time and talents, as well as the opportunity to bring this story to life and the lessons I will continue to learn.  I hope you enjoy. And I hope you continue to climb over your own walls; they need to be climbed!

"If you build it, they will come"...

Remember that movie "Field of Dreams"?  Yeah, it's a baseball flick (and when I first saw it as a kid, I was a huge baseball fan), but man, it's so much more than that, and it's one of my favorites (if you haven't seen it, stop here, watch it, come back, we'll discuss.  No worries we'll wait.  Well, at least this post will still be here when you return).  Anyway, this guy, Ray, is on this journey he doesn't understand, but he can't stop. He's faced with the possibility of losing his farm, but he has to keep going. Everyone thinks he's crazy.  But still he continues.  More and more, I'm beginning to see that I'm just like him. I'm Ray.

Times are hard...for everyone, a lot of the time, I know that.  I'm not the only one that struggles. Even the super successful, seemingly perfect, I have it all people, have bad times.  Unfortunately, it seems like the past few weeks have been a little bit harder for me.  The times are a'changing and new issues have popped up.  Anxiety creeps in slowly and self-doubt enters quietly until both break down the door of your sanity and self-esteem, replacing them with fear and self-doubt.  They sleep peacefully right next to you, while you lie awake for hours worrying and trying to make it all right (Is that too poetic? Guess someone's been trying to write too many lyrics lately).  And I get it, I'm in a business with absolutely NO GUARANTEES!!  I also can leave at any second, and choose a more safe and secure life; and just for the record, sympathy is the one thing I am not after.  So I choose to hide the craziness from most people, and only let those that understand it, in.  But since I know I'm one of many that struggle, I share it all here, with you.

Lately, I've been so worried about my future, and money (or lack there of), and how much longer I can go on like this, and thinking "how the fuck is this all gonna play out?" (pardon my French, but sometimes the good old F-word is needed). Sometimes I wish I could see the future, and then I take a breath, I'm grateful that that gift was not bestowed upon me. But then I get angry.  Why did I choose this life? Better yet, why did it choose me? Why was this overwhelming desire to perform and create, given to me (and I do believe it was given to me)?  And if this is supposed to be my destiny, why is it so unbelievably tough sometimes?  Can you tell that I think a lot, far too much maybe?  But it's the only way I know to try, and make some sense of things I don't have answers to, or understand.

After many mornings (or really late nights) of thinking and thinking, this is what I came up with.  I don't for one second regret the dreams that were given to me, no matter how many struggles or how many obstacles cross my path.  This is because I know it's all pushing me along the road to my destination.  I could have denied the dream, my gifts, who I am, and chosen a different path, one that would have given me far more money and much less stress (as well as, less rejection, less fear, less heartache), but that was not the desire that was put into my heart.  And since I don't have that crystal ball with all the answers, the one that will that tell me 100% that these struggles will be worth it in the end, I just have to BELIEVE it!

So when the s*#t hits the fan (one profanity in a blog post is enough, at least for the time being), I now ask myself, why?  Why is this happening?  What can I possibly learn from this? And what am I doing, or not doing, that is causing the extra struggle.  To me, these things are happening because it's leading me somewhere else. Even if I don't understand it, and even if I hate it at the time...I believe I feel the pain, the disappointment, the anxiety, so I can take action and move forward.   I refuse to let it hold me back, but rather to propel me forward.

I have a few friends and family members who tell me (paraphrasing of course), "you should go back to school and be a teacher", "you should work here or there"," you should do this or that"; and I get it.  I understand it's all out of love, because they are scared for me (some times I'm scared for me too) but what they don't get is the desire I have in my heart, down to my bones, for telling stories, in whatever capacity that takes form, or flight.  The desire I have to entertain and to communicate, all in the hopes that one day I can help someone get through their day, just as countless other performers and writers, have helped me get through mine.  I do get it, but I can't go there.  I just keep going. Because just like "Field of Dreams" and that iconic quote I titled this post, I do believe that if I continue on this journey, one day it will all be worth it. And if I continue to do the work, one day the people who need it, will see it, and hopefully feel it.  If I build it, they will come.

I am Ray.  I think we all are Ray, but sometimes we let Timothy Busfield (Ray's brother-in-law, who thinks he's completely off his rocker, and wants him to stop this crazy pursuit), we let him win the battle.  Let's just make sure we don't let him win the war.  And here's hoping no one needs to choke on a hot dog for us to believe in our dreams (really, go watch the movie, and don't even get me started on the "ease his pain" part, I lose it every time).   Just go build that sucker, someone out there is waiting for it!