So I made this promise to myself that I'd publish a new post every other week and I started to have a bit of a panic when I headed into the second week and I had no idea what to write about. That's not entirely true, I had a few 'ideas', none of which seemed to be organic but rather just something to say. I could have rambled on about the audition I went on last week but I don't know that I have anything inspirational to say about it. Well, I showed up, that's good, right?
It wasn't until I was meditating on Wednesday night (Yes, I meditate. I think I do, anyway. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure if what I do is meditating. If so, I'm probably doing it wrong. And no, that doesn't give me any anxiety at all during the one thing that is supposed to clear my mind and calm me down. And yes, my sarcasm seems to still be in tact). Anyway, during this "meditation" a thought popped in to my head (isn't a thought a so called "no, no" in meditation?); so this thought was about my goal, writing and recording these songs, and then immediately, this string of overwhelmingly negative thoughts flooded in. They sounded something like this, "Go ahead and do it, but no one will care, because the things you put out into the world do not get noticed in the ways other people's do. You do not affect people in the way you hope to. You will be disappointed yet again".
I tried to stop these thoughts, but did you ever try to NOT think about something? Let's try it now, do not think about orange...yep, all you can do is think about oranges, or the color orange, or an oompa loompa, right? And if you successfully did not think of orange, I want to know your secret. So I started to let those thoughts go, and they were replaced by many questions. Why am I doing this? Really, what is my motivation for all of this? This blog? This music? This career? What am I doing it for? Am I doing it so that I can look on my blog's main page and see how many hits I've gotten (don't think I don't do it, because I do, and readership has declined last post), or how many people listen to my clips on SoundCloud (yep, check that too), or what about how many comments I get on my statuses? Do we just do things now for a like on Facebook? Does it validate who we are if we have a few more 'friends' than our neighbor? Will I still be happy with myself if those thoughts come true and what I put out into the world, though it may make me feel proud, and productive, and of some service to the world, go unnoticed? Will I truly be okay with that? And if not, what am I doing it for? I told you, questions have come up, and I'm now struggling to find those answers.
Sure I think it's human to want to be accepted and liked. We want to matter. We want to be heard. But does it make you less of a gift if some one hates on your YouTube clip? And on that note, what's worse: a negative comment, or being completely ignored? I've dealt with both and I don't know. I'm trying to not hold onto the outcomes. I hope that what I share finds the people that might benefit from it, and I think I need to accept that it's okay if it's only a handful of people. I need to let go of thinking that my work is less important if only a hundred people hear it. Do I hope that thousands or hey, might as well dream big here, millions of people stumble upon my work one day and enjoy it, heck even love it? Of course. But if that is not the case, I hope I can look inside and know that I am the same worthwhile person I was before. And I will not let the fear of disappointment get the best of me. I may create something that people dislike, or have no opinion about, or completely ignore, but I will have done what I dreamt of doing. Maybe that's why I do it, because I have to.
In the end, I believe there's a plan. And when you follow your passions and dreams wholeheartedly, they'll lead you to your best life (maybe that's singing in front of 13,000 people, or maybe it's 13, you just won't know until you go out and sing). And if we're happy with who we are, with what we are contributing to the world, and the life we are living, we might just be okay.
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Resurrections...
I started writing this last night. I knew it would be a pretty busy day today, and I'm trying to post a new blog every two weeks, so I wanted to make sure I had something to share. But I went to bed last night feeling uneasy about it, not really excited about posting it later on today because I just wasn't sure it said what I wanted it to, or if it was something I really should put out there. Cut to the next scene, woke up this morning thinking I could do some editing after getting back from my cousin's house, but still not really feeling great about this post (I'm sure you can't wait to read it). But hey, why worry about it now, my self-imposed deadline was hours away and I had a bucket load of food to eat (I am Italian). So now I'm home, knowing I need to go to work on it, I immediately check Facebook and then went on Twitter (anything to procrastinate) but I saw this tweet from @TheSingleWoman "If ever there was a weekend to resurrect all those dreams you buried so long ago...this is it." Ohhh, okay, I get it. You better finish the f*%king blog, because that's exactly what it's about...old, buried dreams. I'm learning to follow signs. So here goes (sorry, it's a tad bit longer than usual)...
Today, as most of you know, is Easter. And even if you aren't a Believer (not a Belieber, two totally different things, as one worships a tiny man child who fashions himself a singer and sometimes thug would likes to pretend to beat up the paparazzi, but as usual I digress), I'm sure you're aware of Jesus' crucifixion and his resurrection three days later. According to trusty Wikipedia (why do we all trust wikipedia so blindly? Oh, not everyone does? Just me? Okay, good to know.) Anyway, according to Wikipedia, Resurrection is the concept of a living being coming back to life after death. And I'm certainly not comparing any of us humans here on earth to God but I think that anytime we get knocked down by life and choose to get back up, we get to experience our own type of resurrection. And it might not be three days later, some times it's three months or three years, but when we decide get back up and back in the ring, we are transformed. We are reborn.
I feel like I'm slowly coming into a little rebirth of my own. Losing someone you love can feel like having the life sucked out of you (Kinda like auditioning again and again, and continuing to be passed over for someone else, maybe even someone less talented than you; that can suck the life out of you too. Or seeing your friends move closer and closer to the finish line of their dreams, while you feel like you are perpetually stuck at the starting line. Yep, life sucker. But I think you get it); and quite frankly when that happens, you don't feel like doing much of anything at all. Now I think it's time to get back into the ring of creativity.
Over the past few years, I've been feeling the way I will be truly successful in this business of show, is to create my own work. Not sure why, but I feel pretty freaking strongly about it, and I'm learning that when your gut is yelling at you to do something, you probably should do it. I've wanted to be a singer since I can remember, and I also have written songs since I was a kid. True most of them were about farm animals or tropical breezes (yes, I wrote a song called "Tropical Breeze" for a school project in 5th grade. I got an A. I can still sing the chorus and I did the cover art as well, can we say talented?) but those songs were mine. And then sometimes a little idea can creep into your brain and begin to stifle a dream. Let's face it, the music industry is a youth game. And once you hit about 26, or if you don't look like Britney Spears did when she was singing "I'm not that innocent", well then you're screwed. I was in my twenties, and I started to write again, but turns out the few people that I actually I played my music for, well let's just say, they weren't too impressed. Either they just ignored that they had listened at all, which is pretty much the equivalent of getting a haircut, seeing your friend out, and they said "Oh, you got a haircut", end scene (yep, not good). Or they flat out say, "I like your voice, but not those songs". Oh, okay, thanks?! Looking back on it now, I realize that I put aside a dream of mine because two people didn't like what I had to say at the time. That totally sucks. Well, I'm not that same girl. I've learned so much about myself, and people, and the world, and music, and so I'm READY TO TRY AGAIN.
About a year and a half ago I got a ukulele. I used to play guitar but I have tiny fingers and it turns out the guitar has two strings too many (also I'm a bit of a perfectionist and if I can't learn something easily or quickly, turns out I don't like to do it, like playing a bar chord, ouch)! So I've been writing some songs on my uke and I don't hate them; that in itself feels like a big step. I've decided to take a bigger step and post a link to the first song I wrote on my ukulele last summer. It's just a demo, a blue print if you will, that I recorded on my iPhone (and as you'll hear, if you listen, I'm not a great ukulele player either), it isn't the best quality. It isn't finished, it needs to be arranged with more instruments played by real musicians, but after all the excuses are done, it's mine! And you may hate it, you may judge me, and I may end up feeling like a fool but you know what, I'm okay with that. And some people may read this and think, what's the big deal? Maybe to you, putting yourself out there isn't a big deal. Maybe you look fear in the face everyday and blow right passed it, but most of the time when I look fear in the face I want to go back to bed. No more. True, it's a small step and I still have ways to go and so much to learn, but I refuse to let someone else's opinion interfere with my dreams anymore.
Please don't feel obligated to tell me you like it (I'm not doing it for an ego boost), and by all means, please DO NOT feel obligated to tell me that you hate it, lol. If it moves you in any way to comment on it, good or bad, please do, I'll listen (no worries, I won't stop writing if you hate it). Quite frankly, I'm not entirely sure why I felt the need to post an unfinished work. But it feels like this blog is about sharing parts of me, and this is me right now. Or maybe I'm being selfish by posting it because I want to do something that scares the shit out of me. Either way, it's time:
The Slaughter and the Lamb (demo)
It feels like we need to go through pain and struggles to get to a place of resurrection, and most of time we're our own crucifiers, our own worst enemies. In fact, I can guarantee that the moment I hit publish on this blog, I will beating up myself for thinking that what I posted is in any way good enough for people to hear but here is where I am at, taking risks. I'd like this blog to be a place where I can share my small steps with you, and then you can share your own small steps. I hope we all continue to take risks and do what makes us happy, to look fear in the face and continue on because as far as I know we only get one crack at this life, and we don't get a hell of a lot of time. Even if we get to live to 100, I feel like you'd look back and go "shit, that was fast". I don't want to look back on my life and only see fear, and regrets.
So to those who celebrate, I'd like to wish you a Happy Resurrection Sunday! And to everyone else, a Happy Rebirth. Let's keep going!
xoxo
-Jag
Today, as most of you know, is Easter. And even if you aren't a Believer (not a Belieber, two totally different things, as one worships a tiny man child who fashions himself a singer and sometimes thug would likes to pretend to beat up the paparazzi, but as usual I digress), I'm sure you're aware of Jesus' crucifixion and his resurrection three days later. According to trusty Wikipedia (why do we all trust wikipedia so blindly? Oh, not everyone does? Just me? Okay, good to know.) Anyway, according to Wikipedia, Resurrection is the concept of a living being coming back to life after death. And I'm certainly not comparing any of us humans here on earth to God but I think that anytime we get knocked down by life and choose to get back up, we get to experience our own type of resurrection. And it might not be three days later, some times it's three months or three years, but when we decide get back up and back in the ring, we are transformed. We are reborn.
I feel like I'm slowly coming into a little rebirth of my own. Losing someone you love can feel like having the life sucked out of you (Kinda like auditioning again and again, and continuing to be passed over for someone else, maybe even someone less talented than you; that can suck the life out of you too. Or seeing your friends move closer and closer to the finish line of their dreams, while you feel like you are perpetually stuck at the starting line. Yep, life sucker. But I think you get it); and quite frankly when that happens, you don't feel like doing much of anything at all. Now I think it's time to get back into the ring of creativity.
Over the past few years, I've been feeling the way I will be truly successful in this business of show, is to create my own work. Not sure why, but I feel pretty freaking strongly about it, and I'm learning that when your gut is yelling at you to do something, you probably should do it. I've wanted to be a singer since I can remember, and I also have written songs since I was a kid. True most of them were about farm animals or tropical breezes (yes, I wrote a song called "Tropical Breeze" for a school project in 5th grade. I got an A. I can still sing the chorus and I did the cover art as well, can we say talented?) but those songs were mine. And then sometimes a little idea can creep into your brain and begin to stifle a dream. Let's face it, the music industry is a youth game. And once you hit about 26, or if you don't look like Britney Spears did when she was singing "I'm not that innocent", well then you're screwed. I was in my twenties, and I started to write again, but turns out the few people that I actually I played my music for, well let's just say, they weren't too impressed. Either they just ignored that they had listened at all, which is pretty much the equivalent of getting a haircut, seeing your friend out, and they said "Oh, you got a haircut", end scene (yep, not good). Or they flat out say, "I like your voice, but not those songs". Oh, okay, thanks?! Looking back on it now, I realize that I put aside a dream of mine because two people didn't like what I had to say at the time. That totally sucks. Well, I'm not that same girl. I've learned so much about myself, and people, and the world, and music, and so I'm READY TO TRY AGAIN.
About a year and a half ago I got a ukulele. I used to play guitar but I have tiny fingers and it turns out the guitar has two strings too many (also I'm a bit of a perfectionist and if I can't learn something easily or quickly, turns out I don't like to do it, like playing a bar chord, ouch)! So I've been writing some songs on my uke and I don't hate them; that in itself feels like a big step. I've decided to take a bigger step and post a link to the first song I wrote on my ukulele last summer. It's just a demo, a blue print if you will, that I recorded on my iPhone (and as you'll hear, if you listen, I'm not a great ukulele player either), it isn't the best quality. It isn't finished, it needs to be arranged with more instruments played by real musicians, but after all the excuses are done, it's mine! And you may hate it, you may judge me, and I may end up feeling like a fool but you know what, I'm okay with that. And some people may read this and think, what's the big deal? Maybe to you, putting yourself out there isn't a big deal. Maybe you look fear in the face everyday and blow right passed it, but most of the time when I look fear in the face I want to go back to bed. No more. True, it's a small step and I still have ways to go and so much to learn, but I refuse to let someone else's opinion interfere with my dreams anymore.
Please don't feel obligated to tell me you like it (I'm not doing it for an ego boost), and by all means, please DO NOT feel obligated to tell me that you hate it, lol. If it moves you in any way to comment on it, good or bad, please do, I'll listen (no worries, I won't stop writing if you hate it). Quite frankly, I'm not entirely sure why I felt the need to post an unfinished work. But it feels like this blog is about sharing parts of me, and this is me right now. Or maybe I'm being selfish by posting it because I want to do something that scares the shit out of me. Either way, it's time:
The Slaughter and the Lamb (demo)
So to those who celebrate, I'd like to wish you a Happy Resurrection Sunday! And to everyone else, a Happy Rebirth. Let's keep going!
xoxo
-Jag
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