COMPOSING MY LIFE

First blog post of 2015. Woohoo!! Break out the champagne! It only took me more than half the year to hit 'publish', but let's not dwell on my lack of consistency, nor my procrastination. Instead, let's be crazy and focus on the positive. Let's focus on what I've actually been doing when I'm not writing this blog. I finished recording an album of songs I wrote with my amazing band, Red Wine + Whiskey. A song I wrote made the Top 10 of the Davenport Songwriting Contest for musical theatre, and I was lucky enough to perform it at the Davenport Theater in NYC. I started my own production company, Roxy Strago Productions. And I produced, directed and acted in a short film that I also wrote, called "Composing Life" (I swear I'm not a control freak, really...lack of money means you need to do more)!

I'm not writing any of this for a pat on the back.  Honestly, aside from feeling exhausted when I typed the above, I don't feel any more successful than I did when I published my last post in October, 2014. Okay, that's not entirely true.  I've succeeded in one main area. And it's pretty important. I did all of those things while I was totally and utterly petrified.  I did them while I was not 100% ready. I did them while those little voices kept saying to me "Who do you think you are to do this? You're not a real musician, you think any one will like these songs? You aren't that talented.  You're not really a writer.  You're barely an actor, how the hell are you going to direct real actors? You're gonna FAIL!"

#regramed from @belcoaching

Yep, it's true, my inner critic is an Asshole, and yep, I'm pretty much afraid of everything, and yep, those voices can be pretty damn convincing, but one voice was LOUDER. And that was the one that told me that I'm here for a reason, and when I jump a net would appear.  I know those other voices are only trying to protect me, but ultimately, they're wrong.  I appreciate their intentions, but they are fucking wrong.  And so I decided that I would hear them, but I would no longer listen to them. I OWE it to myself to do everything in my power to live the life I dream of. And after years of waiting for permission that never came from the powers that be in this industry, I decided to stop waiting for it. I just started to DO! And my God, it's empowering. It's still scary, but for so long I've heard that the best things happen when you're out of your comfort zone, and for the first time I've lived it. I continue to live it. 

Our album hasn't been released yet, I didn't win that contest, my company hasn't made a dime, and we're still editing this little film of mine; I have no idea how any of this will turn out. I'm still going to do it. And for a change of pace, I'm going to think positively about it. Though I'm not foolish enough to believe things are gonna be less scary.  They'll probably be more frightening, and I'll probably start getting enough points on my rewards card at my liquor store for discounts. I just refuse to let fear hold me back.  There's a Robert H. Schuller quote that says, "What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?" Do that! I know it's not totally realistic, there's no guarantees in this life.  But do it anyway. You owe it to yourself.

Here's a little iPhone recording of one of the scenes from "Composing Life" being shot on May 30th. More to come. I'm excited (well, excited and scared).

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If Just One Persons Believes...

I've heard it said the hardest part of doing anything is starting. It's especially true when you are staring at a blank page, like what I'm faced with each time I attempt to write this blog. The past few weeks of writing weren't that difficult because I had experienced some sort of struggle almost daily, and so I had a lot to think about and express, and I guess learn; which makes writing easier, at least it does for me.  See, I think I'm having such a hard time with this post because what I've felt this past week wasn't an overwhelming sense of fear, but gratitude.  Pure gratitude, for where I am right now, for things that have led me here, for the future and for the people in my life who have supported me.   So the question is, can I be happy and write a meaningful blog post?  I don't know, but I'm going to try.  I mean this post is already late by my self imposed deadline anyway, so I'll struggle on.

Now, I'm well aware that you learn from your failures/negative experiences, and that means we shouldn't be afraid to fail, but I also think you can learn from the good things as well.  BUT just for old time's sake, let's start first with a disappointment. My Indiegogo campaign ended this past week and I didn't raise as much as I'd hoped. Heading into the last week of the campaign I felt angry.  Why does potato salad raise $55,000.00 and I'm having trouble raising more than a thousand?  Oh, and then things started to get really ugly when I began to list (a mental one, but still not pretty) all the people who didn't donate (people who I have given to and people who I knew could afford to give, but hadn't) and then thankfully I had an Oprah "A ha" moment.  I realized that no one owes me anything.  I had this dream, on my own and not one person (except for maybe my mom) was obligated to give me a dime. And when I contributed to anyone else's campaign, it was never because I expected a payback.  I gave to support my friends.  So I released the NEED to raise money, and I let it go (please don't sing). I also forgave all those people on my mental list, though they had done absolutely nothing wrong to be forgiven for, but I needed to do it for myself. And crazily enough, once I did that, I raised more money (maybe it's a coincidence because most people wait 'til the last minute to contribute, but I don't so).  And I continue to receive support now that the campaign is over.    

Yes, I failed!!!  I did not reach my goal on Indiegogo, but I have gained so much more (get ready, I'm going to get positive now).  The support I did receive was overwhelming, because I realized that those people who contributed to my film did so because they truly wanted to.  No one had to open their wallets and contribute any of their hard earned cash, but they did.  And as I thanked each person, I received notes back full of support.  When I yelled at someone for what they gave and asked "Are you crazy?" they simply responded "No, I just love you and believe in you".  And then I wept, at my desk, at work, and it was embarrassing.  I don't think I have ever actually heard those words said to me before. And if they were said, I either hadn't really listened or I just didn't believe them.

With all these people believing in me, I can't let them down by not believing in myself.  And as I move forward getting ready to go into the studio, and search for a cinematographer, there are moments of fear.  What if the songs don't sound like I want them to? What if I choose the wrong person?  What if what I've written isn't any good?  But, and here's the biggie, what if I truly believe in myself (like my friends do) and listen to my instincts, and trust my gut?  Imagine that!!  I have to believe that if I do that I'll be where I need to be.  I'm not saying it will be perfect, but I believe it will be the perfect place for me, in the perfect time.

And Lord knows I can ramble on and on with my non-perfect sentences, but honestly, I don't think I can say it better than Bernadette Peters and the Muppets. Special thanks to my dear friend Polly McKie for introducing me to this, and to all those friends and family members who believe in me.  You make it essential that I believe in myself, and with that, anything is possible:

UPDATE: Let's share the love.  I had this thought this morning (after posting very late last night), what if we all thought of one person that you believe in (they don't need to be in the performing arts) and you told them so.  Or maybe you tweet them with #Ibelieveinyou!  Or if you don't feel comfortable telling them personally, why not say a prayer for them or send them good thoughts and root for them that way.  You never know who needs to feel your belief right now! 

Asking for help SUCKS!

Asking for help is hard.  I'm not used to doing it and I don't like it.  As adults, and I think I'm supposed to be one of those, shouldn't we be self-sufficient?  Aren't we supposed to look like we're got it all together, even if we are raging messes inside?  Won't it look like we're weak if we ask for help?  It's funny though, whenever someone asks me for help, I never once look at it as a weakness, but somehow it's different for myself. It feels embarrassing for me to need assistance.  It's a blaring reminder that I am not perfect, I do not have it all together and I'm not sure I ever will.  It's also an incredibly vulnerable thing to do, to put yourself out there and say to the world, "Oh hey, excuse me everybody who seems to have their act together, I sorta cannot do this on my own, so can you maybe throw me a rope.  Only if it's not too much trouble"!

But I see now that it's essential.  I'm in that ask place right now, as I'm asking for help to bring this film to life.  I don't have an off-shore bank account or wads of cash in my mattress, nor do I have wealthy parents or a sugar daddy (and I'm totally ok with that).  So I started an indiegogo campaign and am asking for support. When I thought about doing it originally I had no qualms about it.  Many of my friends had done their own and I supported them.  It's not a big deal.  But when I put my campaign up, all of a sudden I felt not so great about it. It kinda felt dirty to me.  Who am I to ask my friends and family for money for something that I want to do.  Who do I think I am??  I would imagine people seeing my posts about my campaign and them saying to themselves "You want to make a film, good for you, go make it yourself".  Now as a disclaimer, no one has ever said that to me, but whenever I post something on FB or send an email about raising money, that is what I imagine people are thinking.

When I was doing research on budgets for film and raising money, I send an email to a friend who had just completed their own short film and I was asking about financing.  This person (who is an excellent human being, super smart and talented) said to me that they couldn't bring themselves to ask their friends to pay for their short .  Since there will be no return on it, it didn't feel right to them.  But they were making no judgement on anyone who went that route.  Part of me felt sick because I too agreed with them (partially anyway), but I also realized that without help this film would stay where it had been for a long time, on my computer and in my mind.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, and a call for help.

It still bothers me when I write an email to a friend and ask them to check out my campaign and to consider supporting it.  Then when I get an email notification, instead of thinking I have a new contribution I just assume it's a nasty email saying "Please never contact me again about your stupid film, I have my own things to deal with".  I have yet to receive an email like that.

But you know what I have received?  Encouragement. And from surprising sources.  I have been so supremely touched by the generosity of people, some of which I barely know, but who have contributed and then sent messages like "I know what it's like to purse your dreams, and how tough it is at the beginning...I'm rooting for you."  How amazing is that?  Every time I get an notification that someone has contributed, I'm filled with so much gratitude I want to cry.  To feel any kind of support is absolutely amazing.  People do want to help you.  But you need to be brave and ask for it.  Have I reached my goal? No. Will I?  Probably not, but that's okay.  I'm not stopping.

I came upon an article in TIME Magazine (no, I'm not that intellectual, I saw it on Facebook) and in it, Ricky Gervais said this about hard work "I believe that if you didn't have to work for something, it can’t truly be considered success. Luck doesn't count. I think success is allowed a certain pride and you can’t be proud of luck or even of being born smart, artistic, or talented. It’s what you do with it that counts."  This thing is not going to come easily to me and that's okay.  For a little while I was thinking that if it doesn't happen quickly or easily it's not meant to be, but that my friends, is complete bullshit.  There are lessons in this journey, there are things I need to experience for me to grow and there are moments to be met, so I can get to the next moment.  I can't skip any steps.  And so I will work harder on this than anything else, so that when I have my first screening, I will know I have succeeded, but not without the help of some friends.  And for that I'll be forever grateful.  This is a journey that is opening me up, it's teaching me to be vulnerable, to ask for help and to trust that good intentions, hard work, dedication and a pure love will be rewarded in kind.     

It's funny how these doubts keep growing.

Two weeks ago I launched an Indiegogo campaign to raise money for this passion project of mine, and just like that, I received two generous contributions.  I was thrilled!  This was going to be a piece of cake.  My friends and family would see how devoted I was to making this happen and click that pink button of support.  And strangers would see the link shared by said friends and family, discover that it's a funny yet worthwhile project, and they too would want to help.  So of course, throughout the day any time my phone 'dinged' (yes, my phone dings) with an email alert, I immediately knew it was another contribution.  And since you are all brilliant people, I'm sure it comes as no surprise to you, I was wrong...Nothing.

I tried to tell myself it doesn't matter.  Even if no one else contributes another dime, somehow I would make this film.  But little by little this was just another thing for those negative voices to grab a hold of, make me doubt myself, and then doubt some more, because to me, in that moment, the amount of contributions told the story of what everyone thought of me.  And it wasn't a very good story.  It felt like no one believed in me or my talent; that no one believed in this project; that no one cared.  I was all alone in this world.

Now if you are looking at the paragraph above from a rational, non-emotional and calm perspective you would think I should go straight to a shrink, and looking back right now, from the other side, I can see that it does seem a bit cray.  And though I cannot fully explain it, those feelings felt 100% real. When you are in that dark place of fear and doubt and insecurity, it's relatively easy to go from "Maybe my post isn't reaching everyone I'm trying to reach" to "I guess no one believes in this project" to "I'm completely alone in the world".  And so I broke down and cried my eyes out.

I also failed to mention that earlier that day I held the door for a woman who was on her phone.  She walked right into the overpriced coffee chain, that continuously spells my name incorrectly, without a thank you.  So I, loudly and passive aggressively, said "You're welcome".  She came back out and said "Thank you.  I'm sorry you need to be validated".  I really wanted to call her a few choice names, but by some strange act of God I restrained myself and just said, "No, I'm sorry that you have no manners".  Then I realized that, though she was rude, she was right.  I do need to be validated.  I do need to feel like I matter, that what I do matters, that people like me, that I count, that everyone knows I exist...I can continue, but I'll spare you.  And that's what the lack of contributions was feeding into, my lack of feeling validated.

I wish I could finish this post with an epiphany; that I found the remedy for this need of validation, because I would totally share it with you and make the time you wasted reading this worthwhile, but if you came here for all the answers, I think you now know you came to the wrong place.  I'm struggling right with you (at least I think you might struggle too, if not, please impart some of your wisdom).  Instead, here I sit, with a new recognition and a few realizations:

1. The entire world does not revolve around me and what I want.  I never thought that I thought it did, but apparently there's a small part of me that thinks it does, or it should.  I'm embarrassed to admit it, but there it is. 
2. What other people feel about me and my talent should have no affect on how I feel about myself and my talent.  But at times it can feel like that's all that matters.
3. The amount of "support" I get, or do not get, for this project does not reflect my self-worth, or the worthiness of this film.   
4. I should probably see a shrink.

I need to work on these things daily (aside from the shrink, because I cannot afford one, so I drink, I kid, but really I can't afford one), just stating them doesn't make them a reality in my life.  So the only solution I can think of is to keep going, to continue to do the work because ultimately, that's what's important.  Having doubts does not mean I will stop!  I also know I will hit more walls as I move forward; this is just the first one to climb over.  And most importantly, I still believe "If you build it, they will come", so I'm starting to build this foundation.  I choose to believe the right people will find and support this film, and I will be stronger for the journey.

Now since this film is a comedy with original music, I had an idea to write a witty song for our Indiegogo campaign and luckily I had some extremely talented friends sing along (a few just happen to be in "Composing Life" as well).  I couldn't be more grateful for their time and talents, as well as the opportunity to bring this story to life and the lessons I will continue to learn.  I hope you enjoy. And I hope you continue to climb over your own walls; they need to be climbed!

Questions...

So I made this promise to myself that I'd publish a new post every other week and I started to have a bit of a panic when I headed into the second week and I had no idea what to write about. That's not entirely true, I had a few 'ideas', none of which seemed to be organic but rather just something to say. I could have rambled on about the audition I went on last week but I don't know that I have anything inspirational to say about it. Well, I showed up, that's good, right?

It wasn't until I was meditating on Wednesday night (Yes, I meditate. I think I do, anyway. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure if what I do is meditating. If so, I'm probably doing it wrong. And no, that doesn't give me any anxiety at all during the one thing that is supposed to clear my mind and calm me down. And yes, my sarcasm seems to still be in tact). Anyway, during this "meditation" a thought popped in to my head (isn't a thought a so called "no, no" in meditation?); so this thought was about my goal, writing and recording these songs, and then immediately, this string of overwhelmingly negative thoughts flooded in. They sounded something like this, "Go ahead and do it, but no one will care, because the things you put out into the world do not get noticed in the ways other people's do. You do not affect people in the way you hope to. You will be disappointed yet again".

I tried to stop these thoughts, but did you ever try to NOT think about something? Let's try it now, do not think about orange...yep, all you can do is think about oranges, or the color orange, or an oompa loompa, right? And if you successfully did not think of orange, I want to know your secret. So I started to let those thoughts go, and they were replaced by many questions. Why am I doing this? Really, what is my motivation for all of this? This blog? This music? This career? What am I doing it for? Am I doing it so that I can look on my blog's main page and see how many hits I've gotten (don't think I don't do it, because I do, and readership has declined last post), or how many people listen to my clips on SoundCloud (yep, check that too), or what about how many comments I get on my statuses? Do we just do things now for a like on Facebook? Does it validate who we are if we have a few more 'friends' than our neighbor? Will I still be happy with myself if those thoughts come true and what I put out into the world, though it may make me feel proud, and productive, and of some service to the world, go unnoticed? Will I truly be okay with that? And if not, what am I doing it for? I told you, questions have come up, and I'm now struggling to find those answers.

Sure I think it's human to want to be accepted and liked. We want to matter. We want to be heard. But does it make you less of a gift if some one hates on your YouTube clip? And on that note, what's worse: a negative comment, or being completely ignored? I've dealt with both and I don't know. I'm trying to not hold onto the outcomes. I hope that what I share finds the people that might benefit from it, and I think I need to accept that it's okay if it's only a handful of people. I need to let go of thinking that my work is less important if only a hundred people hear it. Do I hope that thousands or hey, might as well dream big here, millions of people stumble upon my work one day and enjoy it, heck even love it? Of course. But if that is not the case, I hope I can look inside and know that I am the same worthwhile person I was before. And I will not let the fear of disappointment get the best of me. I may create something that people dislike, or have no opinion about, or completely ignore, but I will have done what I dreamt of doing. Maybe that's why I do it, because I have to.

In the end, I believe there's a plan. And when you follow your passions and dreams wholeheartedly, they'll lead you to your best life (maybe that's singing in front of 13,000 people, or maybe it's 13, you just won't know until you go out and sing). And if we're happy with who we are, with what we are contributing to the world, and the life we are living, we might just be okay.

Resurrections (part deux)...

You know when you get an idea and you're excited about it, because it could lead to something really special, so you make plans, and you're still really excited about it, because it's still far away, so the fear and doubts are kept at bay.  And then the days pass, and the time gets closer, and you start to feel uneasy (okay, fine, I'll say it) I start to feel uneasy.  And I think, maybe I'm just not ready, maybe I need a little more time? You ever feel like that? No? Okay, so let's take a time out on that thought for a second.  No worries, we'll come back to it, I promise.

Some of you may know I had the huge opportunity to tour Europe in 2011 performing in Neutral Hero as a part of New York City Players. Music was a tremendous part of the show.  So not only did I have an incredible time performing throughout Europe, but I became friends with a couple of totally amazing musicians.  Sure we performed music in the show, but we also had sing-alongs in our hotel rooms, maybe a lobby or two, and during, what we like to call, musical brunch.  What's that now?  Yes, I said musical brunch.  More on that in a bit.  Believe me, I have some sort of point.  I'm sure I'll get there eventually.

So when you kinda mention to these musician friends that you've been writing some music, and they offer to lend you their talents, you get so excited because these are real actual gifted musicians.  So you send out an email, and you make plans, and you're excited, and then it gets to be the day before, and you get a little bit nervous, but then you haven't spoken about it in a few weeks, so you start thinking (and yes, by saying you, I mean me) "Oh, maybe it won't happen.  They're probably just really busy, and I'll just send an email and say, 'Hey guys, I know you're so busy, no worries, we can reschedule '" and then before you hit send, you get an email saying "Just checking in about tomorrow...".  Oh shit, it's happening.  So you put your uke in it's plushy, new case (with fears and all) and you hit the road...

My uke is very cute.

to Brooklyn, for Musical Brunch (yay, it's a picture blog day).  Okay, so what the heck is musical brunch you ask?  It's brunch, you know with some bites to eat and some drinks, but mainly it's drinking early in the day without feeling guilty about it because well, it's brunch, oh, and you also play music.  The first time we had musical brunch was in Vienna.  We had it on the grounds of our hotel (and I think it was probably not quite acceptable to play and drink where we did, but when in doubt, just look confused, ya know the look that says Oh, we're American, we don't know any better) .  It looked something like this...

Andie, James and me in Vienna.

So at this point you (and now by you, I do actually mean, you), you may be wondering why I was hoping to postpone musical brunch?  Good question folks.  And the answer is, because I'm insane.  Because going to musical brunch would mean putting myself out there, and quite possibly embarrassing myself in front of my friends. Now if you know these folks, you know they are the nicest and most supportive peeps on the planet, but they are insanely talented, and I am not a trained musician.  Let me translate the voices in my head for you, they go something like this "You are going to make a fool out of yourself.  Do you really think people are gonna like what you write?  Who do you think you are?"  Well, I told those voices to shut the f*#k up, and now back in America, musical brunch looks something like this...

Andie, Katie and James tuning up.

After some heavy carb-loading, and a few mimosas, we got down to business.  Finding some courage I played a bit of my song (and in case you missed my first demo of the song, you can find it in this post:  Resurrections, and when you listen you'll hear why I was nervous to play in front of them), they did what they do best.  We talked about the feel, asking my opinions, giving theirs, working together.  The thing about making music is there are so many possibilities.  It's all about the possibilities, and then making choices.  You try things out, add a solo here, one more measure there, you bring back the melodica, you take away the mandolin, and if it doesn't work, you try something different.  And isn't that what life is all about?  You make a choice, take a chance and if you fall down, you get back up again.

I can't tell you how great it felt to collaborate with my friends, especially listening to them play what I had only heard in my head, only now it sounded better than I imagined.  To me, now it sounds like an actual song.  They've inspired me to do more.  And I am.  I've also decided to set some goals for myself. Wanna hear 'em? Well, you don't have a choice (ok, you do, you can stop reading now, but I hope you don't) 1: to have four-five songs written, and arranged, by September and 2): to record those songs for an EP by the end of the year.  I'm excited and fear free (for now).

I think the time has come to share what we worked on.  We made a little recording again on my trusty iPhone, but I'm so proud to share it.   Mr. James Moore is on guitar, Ms. Andie Tanning Springer is on mandolin and melodica, Ms. Katie Cox is on banjolele (which is a banjo ukuele, and it's seriously the cutest thing ever) and I'm on vocals (yes, I chickened out and didn't play but, come on, it's hard for me to sing and play at the same time...cut me some slack, I'm learning to).   You can hear it by pressing this little link right here:

The Slaughter and the Lamb

And seriously, my friends are terrifically talented, and super amazing humans. I can't thank them enough for sharing their gifts and time with me. You can find out more info on them below:

James Moore
Andie Tanning Springer
Katie Cox

Thanks for listening!

Resurrections...

I started writing this last night. I knew it would be a pretty busy day today, and I'm trying to post a new blog every two weeks, so I wanted to make sure I had something to share.  But I went to bed last night feeling uneasy about it, not really excited about posting it later on today because I just wasn't sure it said what I wanted it to, or if it was something I really should put out there.  Cut to the next scene, woke up this morning thinking I could do some editing after getting back from my cousin's house, but still not really feeling great about this post (I'm sure you can't wait to read it).  But hey, why worry about it now, my self-imposed deadline was hours away and I had a bucket load of food to eat (I am Italian).  So now I'm home, knowing I need to go to work on it, I immediately check Facebook and then went on Twitter (anything to procrastinate) but I saw this tweet from @TheSingleWoman "If ever there was a weekend to resurrect all those dreams you buried so long ago...this is it."  Ohhh, okay, I get it. You better finish the f*%king blog, because that's exactly what it's about...old, buried dreams.  I'm learning to follow signs.  So here goes (sorry, it's a tad bit longer than usual)...

Today, as most of you know, is Easter.  And even if you aren't a Believer (not a Belieber, two totally different things, as one worships a tiny man child who fashions himself a singer and sometimes thug would likes to pretend to beat up the paparazzi, but as usual I digress), I'm sure you're aware of Jesus' crucifixion and his resurrection three days later. According to trusty Wikipedia (why do we all trust wikipedia so blindly? Oh, not everyone does? Just me? Okay, good to know.) Anyway, according to Wikipedia, Resurrection is the concept of a living being coming back to life after death. And I'm certainly not comparing any of us humans here on earth to God but I think that anytime we get knocked down by life and choose to get back up, we get to experience our own type of resurrection. And it might not be three days later, some times it's three months or three years, but when we decide get back up and back in the ring, we are transformed. We are reborn.

I feel like I'm slowly coming into a little rebirth of my own.  Losing someone you love can feel like having the life sucked out of you (Kinda like auditioning again and again, and continuing to be passed over for someone else, maybe even someone less talented than you; that can suck the life out of you too. Or seeing your friends move closer and closer to the finish line of their dreams, while you feel like you are perpetually stuck at the starting line. Yep, life sucker. But I think you get it); and quite frankly when that happens, you don't feel like doing much of anything at all.  Now I think it's time to get back into the ring of creativity.

Over the past few years, I've been feeling the way I will be truly successful in this business of show, is to create my own work.  Not sure why, but I feel pretty freaking strongly about it, and I'm learning that when your gut is yelling at you to do something, you probably should do it.  I've wanted to be a singer since I can remember, and I also have written songs since I was a kid. True most of them were about farm animals or tropical breezes (yes, I wrote a song called "Tropical Breeze" for a school project in 5th grade. I got an A. I can still sing the chorus and I did the cover art as well, can we say talented?) but those songs were mine.  And then sometimes a little idea can creep into your brain and begin to stifle a dream.  Let's face it, the music industry is a youth game. And once you hit about 26, or if you don't look like Britney Spears did when she was singing "I'm not that innocent", well then you're screwed.    I was in my twenties, and I started to write again, but turns out the few people that I actually I played my music for, well let's just say, they weren't too impressed. Either they just ignored that they had listened at all, which is pretty much the equivalent of getting a haircut, seeing your friend out, and they said "Oh, you got a haircut", end scene (yep, not good). Or they flat out say, "I like your voice, but not those songs". Oh, okay, thanks?!  Looking back on it now, I realize that I put aside a dream of mine because two people didn't like what I had to say at the time.   That totally sucks. Well, I'm not that same girl. I've learned so much about myself, and people, and the world, and music, and so I'm READY TO TRY AGAIN.

About a year and a half ago I got a ukulele.  I used to play guitar but I have tiny fingers and it turns out the guitar has two strings too many (also I'm a bit of a perfectionist and if I can't learn something easily or quickly, turns out I don't like to do it, like playing a bar chord, ouch)!  So I've been writing some songs on my uke and I don't hate them; that in itself feels like a big step.  I've decided to take a bigger step and post a link to the first song I wrote on my ukulele last summer.  It's just a demo, a blue print if you will, that I recorded on my iPhone (and as you'll hear, if you listen, I'm not a great ukulele player either), it isn't the best quality. It isn't finished, it needs to be arranged with more instruments played by real musicians, but after all the excuses are done, it's mine! And you may hate it, you may judge me, and I may end up feeling like a fool but  you know what, I'm okay with that.  And some people may read this and think, what's the big deal?  Maybe to you, putting yourself out there isn't a big deal.  Maybe you look fear in the face everyday and blow right passed it, but most of the time when I look fear in the face I want to go back to bed.  No more. True, it's a small step and I still have ways to go and so much to learn, but I refuse to let someone else's opinion interfere with my dreams anymore.

Please don't feel obligated to tell me you like it (I'm not doing it for an ego boost), and by all means, please DO NOT feel obligated to tell me that you hate it, lol.  If it moves you in any way to comment on it, good or bad, please do, I'll listen (no worries, I won't stop writing if you hate it).  Quite frankly, I'm not entirely sure why I felt the need to post an unfinished work.  But it feels like this blog is about sharing parts of me, and this is me right now. Or maybe I'm being selfish by posting it because I want to do something that scares the shit out of me.  Either way, it's time:

The Slaughter and the Lamb (demo)

It feels like we need to go through pain and struggles to get to a place of resurrection, and most of time we're our own crucifiers, our own worst enemies.  In fact, I can guarantee that the moment I hit publish on this blog, I will beating up myself for thinking that what I posted is in any way good enough for people to hear but here is where I am at, taking risks.    I'd like this blog to be a place where I can share my small steps with you, and then you can share your own small steps. I hope we all continue to take risks and do what makes us happy, to look fear in the face and continue on because as far as I know we only get one crack at this life, and we don't get a hell of a lot of time. Even if we get to live to 100, I feel like you'd look back and go "shit, that was fast". I don't want to look back on my life and only see fear, and regrets.

So to those who celebrate, I'd like to wish you a Happy Resurrection Sunday! And to everyone else, a Happy Rebirth.  Let's keep going!

xoxo
-Jag