If Just One Persons Believes...

I've heard it said the hardest part of doing anything is starting. It's especially true when you are staring at a blank page, like what I'm faced with each time I attempt to write this blog. The past few weeks of writing weren't that difficult because I had experienced some sort of struggle almost daily, and so I had a lot to think about and express, and I guess learn; which makes writing easier, at least it does for me.  See, I think I'm having such a hard time with this post because what I've felt this past week wasn't an overwhelming sense of fear, but gratitude.  Pure gratitude, for where I am right now, for things that have led me here, for the future and for the people in my life who have supported me.   So the question is, can I be happy and write a meaningful blog post?  I don't know, but I'm going to try.  I mean this post is already late by my self imposed deadline anyway, so I'll struggle on.

Now, I'm well aware that you learn from your failures/negative experiences, and that means we shouldn't be afraid to fail, but I also think you can learn from the good things as well.  BUT just for old time's sake, let's start first with a disappointment. My Indiegogo campaign ended this past week and I didn't raise as much as I'd hoped. Heading into the last week of the campaign I felt angry.  Why does potato salad raise $55,000.00 and I'm having trouble raising more than a thousand?  Oh, and then things started to get really ugly when I began to list (a mental one, but still not pretty) all the people who didn't donate (people who I have given to and people who I knew could afford to give, but hadn't) and then thankfully I had an Oprah "A ha" moment.  I realized that no one owes me anything.  I had this dream, on my own and not one person (except for maybe my mom) was obligated to give me a dime. And when I contributed to anyone else's campaign, it was never because I expected a payback.  I gave to support my friends.  So I released the NEED to raise money, and I let it go (please don't sing). I also forgave all those people on my mental list, though they had done absolutely nothing wrong to be forgiven for, but I needed to do it for myself. And crazily enough, once I did that, I raised more money (maybe it's a coincidence because most people wait 'til the last minute to contribute, but I don't so).  And I continue to receive support now that the campaign is over.    

Yes, I failed!!!  I did not reach my goal on Indiegogo, but I have gained so much more (get ready, I'm going to get positive now).  The support I did receive was overwhelming, because I realized that those people who contributed to my film did so because they truly wanted to.  No one had to open their wallets and contribute any of their hard earned cash, but they did.  And as I thanked each person, I received notes back full of support.  When I yelled at someone for what they gave and asked "Are you crazy?" they simply responded "No, I just love you and believe in you".  And then I wept, at my desk, at work, and it was embarrassing.  I don't think I have ever actually heard those words said to me before. And if they were said, I either hadn't really listened or I just didn't believe them.

With all these people believing in me, I can't let them down by not believing in myself.  And as I move forward getting ready to go into the studio, and search for a cinematographer, there are moments of fear.  What if the songs don't sound like I want them to? What if I choose the wrong person?  What if what I've written isn't any good?  But, and here's the biggie, what if I truly believe in myself (like my friends do) and listen to my instincts, and trust my gut?  Imagine that!!  I have to believe that if I do that I'll be where I need to be.  I'm not saying it will be perfect, but I believe it will be the perfect place for me, in the perfect time.

And Lord knows I can ramble on and on with my non-perfect sentences, but honestly, I don't think I can say it better than Bernadette Peters and the Muppets. Special thanks to my dear friend Polly McKie for introducing me to this, and to all those friends and family members who believe in me.  You make it essential that I believe in myself, and with that, anything is possible:

UPDATE: Let's share the love.  I had this thought this morning (after posting very late last night), what if we all thought of one person that you believe in (they don't need to be in the performing arts) and you told them so.  Or maybe you tweet them with #Ibelieveinyou!  Or if you don't feel comfortable telling them personally, why not say a prayer for them or send them good thoughts and root for them that way.  You never know who needs to feel your belief right now! 

FEAR, FEAR GO AWAY. COME AGAIN ANOTHER DAY (LIKE IN APRIL MAYBE)!

I got some good news this week. YAY! :) So why do I fee like the end of the world is at hand? :( Perhaps its because I’m CRAZY! Yep, I think that’s the answer, lol. See the One-Act play I wrote in January was accepted to the festival to be performed in March. You think I would be over the moon excited about it and a part of me is. It feels great to have written something and have someone think that it was good enough to be seen by real people (who aren't related to me) lol. But I am out of my mind scared and anxious about it. I know nerves are good most of the time because it shows that you care. And I care, a lot! I want this play to be amazing! It’s a great opportunity to have my work as a writer and actress be seen by people who can help me get future work.

However, I’m also extremely nervous because this is the first time I’m doing more than acting. Usually, I get a role and I work on it. I learn my lines, show up and do my best. Now I guess I’m the producer too (you think I would enjoy this since I'm kinda a control freak and yet I don't). I have to schedule rehearsals, get a director, make sure we have enough time to get done what needs to be done, get costumes and props, plus learn my lines and be an actress (what did I get myself into?). I’m not gonna lie…I’m OVERWHELMED!!! I'm having crazy anxiety dreams already and we haven't had a single rehearsal yet!

I don’t know why I’m so afraid of this. I guess I’m fearful of failing but if I’ve learned anything from writing this blog and putting it out there, its that the only failure there is, is not trying (thanks Kelley Lynn for that comment). FEAR can be paralyzing and I’m gonna have to fight my way through it everyday! But I also know that what can feel like the scariest thing, can also be the best thing for you. So I’m gonna work my butt off and get this thing done. Don’t know how, but I’ll do it!! I refuse to let my anxiety get the best of me. I’ve worked too hard to get here to turn back now. Honestly, I could also use all your good vibes and support as well. And I want to thank my dear friend Joe Iozzi for accepting the male role in the play. It means so much that I can count on him (especially since I have no money and can’t pay him, sorry)! Love ya!

I'll leave you on this note. I read something over the weekend and I decided that I’m gonna read every day, and somehow I will make myself believe it! I don’t officially know who wrote it. I looked it up online and two names came up: C. W. Longenecker as well as Walter D Wintle. However, I think its true and I think it will help…

“If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don’t.
If you like to win, but think you can’t.
It is almost certain you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost,
For out in the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow’s will—
It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are,
You’ve got to think high to rise,
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man,
But soon or late the man who wins
Is the man WHO THINKS HE CAN!”

I think I CAN! I hope you think you CAN too!