Asking for help SUCKS!

Asking for help is hard.  I'm not used to doing it and I don't like it.  As adults, and I think I'm supposed to be one of those, shouldn't we be self-sufficient?  Aren't we supposed to look like we're got it all together, even if we are raging messes inside?  Won't it look like we're weak if we ask for help?  It's funny though, whenever someone asks me for help, I never once look at it as a weakness, but somehow it's different for myself. It feels embarrassing for me to need assistance.  It's a blaring reminder that I am not perfect, I do not have it all together and I'm not sure I ever will.  It's also an incredibly vulnerable thing to do, to put yourself out there and say to the world, "Oh hey, excuse me everybody who seems to have their act together, I sorta cannot do this on my own, so can you maybe throw me a rope.  Only if it's not too much trouble"!

But I see now that it's essential.  I'm in that ask place right now, as I'm asking for help to bring this film to life.  I don't have an off-shore bank account or wads of cash in my mattress, nor do I have wealthy parents or a sugar daddy (and I'm totally ok with that).  So I started an indiegogo campaign and am asking for support. When I thought about doing it originally I had no qualms about it.  Many of my friends had done their own and I supported them.  It's not a big deal.  But when I put my campaign up, all of a sudden I felt not so great about it. It kinda felt dirty to me.  Who am I to ask my friends and family for money for something that I want to do.  Who do I think I am??  I would imagine people seeing my posts about my campaign and them saying to themselves "You want to make a film, good for you, go make it yourself".  Now as a disclaimer, no one has ever said that to me, but whenever I post something on FB or send an email about raising money, that is what I imagine people are thinking.

When I was doing research on budgets for film and raising money, I send an email to a friend who had just completed their own short film and I was asking about financing.  This person (who is an excellent human being, super smart and talented) said to me that they couldn't bring themselves to ask their friends to pay for their short .  Since there will be no return on it, it didn't feel right to them.  But they were making no judgement on anyone who went that route.  Part of me felt sick because I too agreed with them (partially anyway), but I also realized that without help this film would stay where it had been for a long time, on my computer and in my mind.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, and a call for help.

It still bothers me when I write an email to a friend and ask them to check out my campaign and to consider supporting it.  Then when I get an email notification, instead of thinking I have a new contribution I just assume it's a nasty email saying "Please never contact me again about your stupid film, I have my own things to deal with".  I have yet to receive an email like that.

But you know what I have received?  Encouragement. And from surprising sources.  I have been so supremely touched by the generosity of people, some of which I barely know, but who have contributed and then sent messages like "I know what it's like to purse your dreams, and how tough it is at the beginning...I'm rooting for you."  How amazing is that?  Every time I get an notification that someone has contributed, I'm filled with so much gratitude I want to cry.  To feel any kind of support is absolutely amazing.  People do want to help you.  But you need to be brave and ask for it.  Have I reached my goal? No. Will I?  Probably not, but that's okay.  I'm not stopping.

I came upon an article in TIME Magazine (no, I'm not that intellectual, I saw it on Facebook) and in it, Ricky Gervais said this about hard work "I believe that if you didn't have to work for something, it can’t truly be considered success. Luck doesn't count. I think success is allowed a certain pride and you can’t be proud of luck or even of being born smart, artistic, or talented. It’s what you do with it that counts."  This thing is not going to come easily to me and that's okay.  For a little while I was thinking that if it doesn't happen quickly or easily it's not meant to be, but that my friends, is complete bullshit.  There are lessons in this journey, there are things I need to experience for me to grow and there are moments to be met, so I can get to the next moment.  I can't skip any steps.  And so I will work harder on this than anything else, so that when I have my first screening, I will know I have succeeded, but not without the help of some friends.  And for that I'll be forever grateful.  This is a journey that is opening me up, it's teaching me to be vulnerable, to ask for help and to trust that good intentions, hard work, dedication and a pure love will be rewarded in kind.     

It's funny how these doubts keep growing.

Two weeks ago I launched an Indiegogo campaign to raise money for this passion project of mine, and just like that, I received two generous contributions.  I was thrilled!  This was going to be a piece of cake.  My friends and family would see how devoted I was to making this happen and click that pink button of support.  And strangers would see the link shared by said friends and family, discover that it's a funny yet worthwhile project, and they too would want to help.  So of course, throughout the day any time my phone 'dinged' (yes, my phone dings) with an email alert, I immediately knew it was another contribution.  And since you are all brilliant people, I'm sure it comes as no surprise to you, I was wrong...Nothing.

I tried to tell myself it doesn't matter.  Even if no one else contributes another dime, somehow I would make this film.  But little by little this was just another thing for those negative voices to grab a hold of, make me doubt myself, and then doubt some more, because to me, in that moment, the amount of contributions told the story of what everyone thought of me.  And it wasn't a very good story.  It felt like no one believed in me or my talent; that no one believed in this project; that no one cared.  I was all alone in this world.

Now if you are looking at the paragraph above from a rational, non-emotional and calm perspective you would think I should go straight to a shrink, and looking back right now, from the other side, I can see that it does seem a bit cray.  And though I cannot fully explain it, those feelings felt 100% real. When you are in that dark place of fear and doubt and insecurity, it's relatively easy to go from "Maybe my post isn't reaching everyone I'm trying to reach" to "I guess no one believes in this project" to "I'm completely alone in the world".  And so I broke down and cried my eyes out.

I also failed to mention that earlier that day I held the door for a woman who was on her phone.  She walked right into the overpriced coffee chain, that continuously spells my name incorrectly, without a thank you.  So I, loudly and passive aggressively, said "You're welcome".  She came back out and said "Thank you.  I'm sorry you need to be validated".  I really wanted to call her a few choice names, but by some strange act of God I restrained myself and just said, "No, I'm sorry that you have no manners".  Then I realized that, though she was rude, she was right.  I do need to be validated.  I do need to feel like I matter, that what I do matters, that people like me, that I count, that everyone knows I exist...I can continue, but I'll spare you.  And that's what the lack of contributions was feeding into, my lack of feeling validated.

I wish I could finish this post with an epiphany; that I found the remedy for this need of validation, because I would totally share it with you and make the time you wasted reading this worthwhile, but if you came here for all the answers, I think you now know you came to the wrong place.  I'm struggling right with you (at least I think you might struggle too, if not, please impart some of your wisdom).  Instead, here I sit, with a new recognition and a few realizations:

1. The entire world does not revolve around me and what I want.  I never thought that I thought it did, but apparently there's a small part of me that thinks it does, or it should.  I'm embarrassed to admit it, but there it is. 
2. What other people feel about me and my talent should have no affect on how I feel about myself and my talent.  But at times it can feel like that's all that matters.
3. The amount of "support" I get, or do not get, for this project does not reflect my self-worth, or the worthiness of this film.   
4. I should probably see a shrink.

I need to work on these things daily (aside from the shrink, because I cannot afford one, so I drink, I kid, but really I can't afford one), just stating them doesn't make them a reality in my life.  So the only solution I can think of is to keep going, to continue to do the work because ultimately, that's what's important.  Having doubts does not mean I will stop!  I also know I will hit more walls as I move forward; this is just the first one to climb over.  And most importantly, I still believe "If you build it, they will come", so I'm starting to build this foundation.  I choose to believe the right people will find and support this film, and I will be stronger for the journey.

Now since this film is a comedy with original music, I had an idea to write a witty song for our Indiegogo campaign and luckily I had some extremely talented friends sing along (a few just happen to be in "Composing Life" as well).  I couldn't be more grateful for their time and talents, as well as the opportunity to bring this story to life and the lessons I will continue to learn.  I hope you enjoy. And I hope you continue to climb over your own walls; they need to be climbed!