Resurrections...

I started writing this last night. I knew it would be a pretty busy day today, and I'm trying to post a new blog every two weeks, so I wanted to make sure I had something to share.  But I went to bed last night feeling uneasy about it, not really excited about posting it later on today because I just wasn't sure it said what I wanted it to, or if it was something I really should put out there.  Cut to the next scene, woke up this morning thinking I could do some editing after getting back from my cousin's house, but still not really feeling great about this post (I'm sure you can't wait to read it).  But hey, why worry about it now, my self-imposed deadline was hours away and I had a bucket load of food to eat (I am Italian).  So now I'm home, knowing I need to go to work on it, I immediately check Facebook and then went on Twitter (anything to procrastinate) but I saw this tweet from @TheSingleWoman "If ever there was a weekend to resurrect all those dreams you buried so long ago...this is it."  Ohhh, okay, I get it. You better finish the f*%king blog, because that's exactly what it's about...old, buried dreams.  I'm learning to follow signs.  So here goes (sorry, it's a tad bit longer than usual)...

Today, as most of you know, is Easter.  And even if you aren't a Believer (not a Belieber, two totally different things, as one worships a tiny man child who fashions himself a singer and sometimes thug would likes to pretend to beat up the paparazzi, but as usual I digress), I'm sure you're aware of Jesus' crucifixion and his resurrection three days later. According to trusty Wikipedia (why do we all trust wikipedia so blindly? Oh, not everyone does? Just me? Okay, good to know.) Anyway, according to Wikipedia, Resurrection is the concept of a living being coming back to life after death. And I'm certainly not comparing any of us humans here on earth to God but I think that anytime we get knocked down by life and choose to get back up, we get to experience our own type of resurrection. And it might not be three days later, some times it's three months or three years, but when we decide get back up and back in the ring, we are transformed. We are reborn.

I feel like I'm slowly coming into a little rebirth of my own.  Losing someone you love can feel like having the life sucked out of you (Kinda like auditioning again and again, and continuing to be passed over for someone else, maybe even someone less talented than you; that can suck the life out of you too. Or seeing your friends move closer and closer to the finish line of their dreams, while you feel like you are perpetually stuck at the starting line. Yep, life sucker. But I think you get it); and quite frankly when that happens, you don't feel like doing much of anything at all.  Now I think it's time to get back into the ring of creativity.

Over the past few years, I've been feeling the way I will be truly successful in this business of show, is to create my own work.  Not sure why, but I feel pretty freaking strongly about it, and I'm learning that when your gut is yelling at you to do something, you probably should do it.  I've wanted to be a singer since I can remember, and I also have written songs since I was a kid. True most of them were about farm animals or tropical breezes (yes, I wrote a song called "Tropical Breeze" for a school project in 5th grade. I got an A. I can still sing the chorus and I did the cover art as well, can we say talented?) but those songs were mine.  And then sometimes a little idea can creep into your brain and begin to stifle a dream.  Let's face it, the music industry is a youth game. And once you hit about 26, or if you don't look like Britney Spears did when she was singing "I'm not that innocent", well then you're screwed.    I was in my twenties, and I started to write again, but turns out the few people that I actually I played my music for, well let's just say, they weren't too impressed. Either they just ignored that they had listened at all, which is pretty much the equivalent of getting a haircut, seeing your friend out, and they said "Oh, you got a haircut", end scene (yep, not good). Or they flat out say, "I like your voice, but not those songs". Oh, okay, thanks?!  Looking back on it now, I realize that I put aside a dream of mine because two people didn't like what I had to say at the time.   That totally sucks. Well, I'm not that same girl. I've learned so much about myself, and people, and the world, and music, and so I'm READY TO TRY AGAIN.

About a year and a half ago I got a ukulele.  I used to play guitar but I have tiny fingers and it turns out the guitar has two strings too many (also I'm a bit of a perfectionist and if I can't learn something easily or quickly, turns out I don't like to do it, like playing a bar chord, ouch)!  So I've been writing some songs on my uke and I don't hate them; that in itself feels like a big step.  I've decided to take a bigger step and post a link to the first song I wrote on my ukulele last summer.  It's just a demo, a blue print if you will, that I recorded on my iPhone (and as you'll hear, if you listen, I'm not a great ukulele player either), it isn't the best quality. It isn't finished, it needs to be arranged with more instruments played by real musicians, but after all the excuses are done, it's mine! And you may hate it, you may judge me, and I may end up feeling like a fool but  you know what, I'm okay with that.  And some people may read this and think, what's the big deal?  Maybe to you, putting yourself out there isn't a big deal.  Maybe you look fear in the face everyday and blow right passed it, but most of the time when I look fear in the face I want to go back to bed.  No more. True, it's a small step and I still have ways to go and so much to learn, but I refuse to let someone else's opinion interfere with my dreams anymore.

Please don't feel obligated to tell me you like it (I'm not doing it for an ego boost), and by all means, please DO NOT feel obligated to tell me that you hate it, lol.  If it moves you in any way to comment on it, good or bad, please do, I'll listen (no worries, I won't stop writing if you hate it).  Quite frankly, I'm not entirely sure why I felt the need to post an unfinished work.  But it feels like this blog is about sharing parts of me, and this is me right now. Or maybe I'm being selfish by posting it because I want to do something that scares the shit out of me.  Either way, it's time:

The Slaughter and the Lamb (demo)

It feels like we need to go through pain and struggles to get to a place of resurrection, and most of time we're our own crucifiers, our own worst enemies.  In fact, I can guarantee that the moment I hit publish on this blog, I will beating up myself for thinking that what I posted is in any way good enough for people to hear but here is where I am at, taking risks.    I'd like this blog to be a place where I can share my small steps with you, and then you can share your own small steps. I hope we all continue to take risks and do what makes us happy, to look fear in the face and continue on because as far as I know we only get one crack at this life, and we don't get a hell of a lot of time. Even if we get to live to 100, I feel like you'd look back and go "shit, that was fast". I don't want to look back on my life and only see fear, and regrets.

So to those who celebrate, I'd like to wish you a Happy Resurrection Sunday! And to everyone else, a Happy Rebirth.  Let's keep going!

xoxo
-Jag

I'M BACK (okay, so I never really left, I've just been in hiding)!

I guess we can say that I've been on a self imposed, let's call it a vacay, from this here blog for over a year. Say what now, over a year? Yep, did you miss me?  I'll be honest, I kinda missed myself (and I live with me).  And just because I haven't published a post, it doesn't mean I haven't thought about it or started to write one, but at the end of the day I just couldn't do it. I've been struggling with a huge loss in my life since April, when my 22 year old niece, Nicole, passed away suddenly from an undiagnosed heart condition; and I just didn't want to share my feelings here, especially because for me I've always thought that no matter what I was struggling with, I wanted to add some sort of positive spin (even if it was the tiniest thing) to my posts, but it just didn't seem like I could squeeze out any positivity to share. And I didn't want to publish one endless depressing post after post. That wouldn't help me, and I don't think it would be something that anyone would want to read, so I didn't...until now.

Honestly, just because I've decided to bring this little blog back to life once again, doesn't mean I'm healed, or whole, or not in mourning, or not depressed. But it does mean that life has to go on, even if a part of me is forever broken. I'm still here, and I need to carry on with my journey. I'm just a bit heavier...yes, emotionally and yes, physically. C'mon, you didn't think I wasn't going to reach for the brownies/cupcakes/cookies/wine/chips/Taco Bell (I could go on, but I won't because I'm getting hungry, and I need to finish this post before I wait another year)?  Ok, forget it, I need a break...

And that, boys and girls, that's what I call comfort!  Anyway, getting back, well somewhat, back on track, I've recently realized that I can still blog about my art (Sorry I just threw up in my mouth, partly because I can picture other people gagging at the mere mention of 'my art' and partly because I don't really think of what I do as art, but maybe that's not entirely true either. Please excuse some of these ramblings, I'm a bit rusty with the blog-age). I can still write about my struggles, and my fears, and the baby steps taken, and my failures, my embarrassment, and my successes, but I don't have to share my very personal loss, not yet. I will write about it on here, how could I not? But I'm just not ready yet; and I'm a big believer in all in it's own time. So long story short, I need to write again. It's time!


To catch y'all up briefly on the last year: over the summer I toured again, this time for a week in Brazil with NYC Players; then we finally brought "Neutral Hero" home to NY last fall to rave reviews from the New York Times...

 

You can read the full reviews, as well as some more info on my brand spanking new website: Jean Ann Garrish.  I've also been working on some of my own projects, including a music pilot, rewriting my One-Act play into a short film, and music, music, music. From the time I could remember, music is all I wanted to do, and it's taken me a long time to accept that it's okay if not everyone wants to listen to or like what I have to say musically, but it's time to stop listening to the voices of doubt, and put myself out there. I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared shitless, because there's something so personal about it, so it seems a little more painful if someone doesn't like it/you, but if the events of April have taught me anything, we cannot wait to do what we want/love/are meant to do.

Speaking of putting myself out there, I made a little video to apply for a scholarship for a business marketing school (I didn't win, but I'm okay with that, as it is the time for me to create now, and market later) but it turns out the video says a bunch about where I'm at...

Whew, that was a chock-full-of-updates, but hey, it's been awhile. And it sure feels good to put myself out here again. Thanks for listening!  Now, I've gotta run, I've got that cupcake to eat.

"Let Him Fly" and a few other things...

Happy New Year!! Yes, I know, I'm a little late to the party, but I tend to do things on my own timetable (go figure). I had written down some intentions for 2012, and if you read my end of the year blog you might remember seeing this...



So how am I doing? Well, I don't really like to judge my progress. Ha, who am I kidding, I judge everything about myself, so don't think I haven't tallied up my successes and failures with these intentions. Biggest failure? How about forgetting I made the list all together. For some reason I thought that if I wrote the list, added a pretty border, and posted it as my computer wallpaper, they would somehow osmosisively (yep, probably not a word and I'm totally okay with that) become a part of my life. Guess what, and I've learned the hard way, if you don't work at something, it ain't gonna get done. That being said, I have accomplished some of these intentions (without remembering I had made them at all) but I won't bore you with all my successful moments, since they are of the tiny, tiny baby step variety.

Honestly, I cannot take total credit for all the small progress I've made. Sometimes my friends have, oh shall we say, nudged me to get my butt in gear (do more, think less). Incase I haven't mentioned it, I have great friends, some of them are in this crazy business like myself, and many are not, but that doesn't really matter. What does matter is their love and support, and that they make me do things I don't really want to do, because it's good for me. Last Monday night they dragged me to an open mic. I can't exactly tell you why I didn't want to go, but I just didn't (I know, it's weird for a singer to not want to sing somewhere, right? But that's the fear...what if I'm not perfect (I haven't rehearsed with this pianist, what if people don't like me or worse, ignore me all together)! Singing is truly one of my absolute favorite things to do, like ever...especially when the song it over, lol. The best way I can express it is to say that it's like riding a roller coaster, it's the scariest thing but when you get off the ride, you just cannot wait to do it again, or have a glass of wine). I'm so happy I went. I sang Patty Griffin's "Let Him Fly" and one of my favorite lines in the song is 'It took awhile to understand, the beauty of just letting go'. Ah, letting go! That's really what this post is about.

Turns out, the hardest thing on my intention list seems like it would be the easiest. Why the hell is it so hard to let go? Why do I need to feel like I have to control every situation, or the outcome of everything and everyone? It certainly doesn't make me feel better or relaxed or confident when I try to force something to happen. In fact, it makes me more anxious and I feel like utter crap. And let's face it, we can't control much (not another person, not the economy, not winning the lotto, not when we'll have a baby, not when we'll get a new job). Just like I can't control what role I get, whether I'll be on Broadway or on television or win an Oscar, when I'll meet the love of my life, nor if anyone will ever read this or share it with someone else, but I still write it, because the only thing I can control is the showing up (and not just to a place, but actually showing up for myself) and doing my best. Then I have to let it go because the result is out of my hands. A friend's grandmother says "Let Go and Let God" and I love that (I also know, not everyone has a relationship with God, so if you don't feel comfortable with that word, replace it with a word you do feel comfortable with, I'm sure He won't mind)! For me, I know in my heart there is a plan (that everything happens for a reason) and that plan has a much better ending than any one I could dream up, but I still have to show up. And, quite frankly, even though I believe it, it's still really hard to trust it, have faith and to let it go.

My nephew posted this on his Facebook page this week and it resonated with me so much, I knew I wanted to include it here, "I have to learn to have enough faith to trust in his grace and to trust in his sovereign and perfect plan. I had to submit my will, my desires, my dreams —give it all up to God." Jeremy Lin said it, and unless you've been living under a rock, I'm sure you've heard of this kid. He plays for the Knicks (and if you have been living under a rock, please google him, he's Linsane). Then in the paper yesterday, he is quoted as saying "I hate having a bad game, so sometimes I need to remind myself just to let everything go and just to be myself, have fun and just give my best effort". Isn't that all any of us can do? Let it go, and maybe even "Let Him Fly"...

This might be my most vulnerable blog post (and the one I'm most proud of)

I've been cleaning things out this past week and it started in my bathroom. I have accumulated a lot of stuff in my life and due to purchasing these mostly useless things, I have found myself in debt. I have spend countless amounts on clothes and makeup and creams and potions all to make myself seem appealing to other people (and I guess in turn to make myself appealing to, well, me).

Maybe somebody liked me because of the outfit I was wearing or the bag I had, but I'm guessing probably not (and if they did, most likely they aren't still in my life). So it's time to get rid of that crap. I don't know what made me do it, but I just decided to throw everything out in my bathroom that I don't use anymore (or, in some cases, have never used). Get rid of it, get rid of it all. And then get rid of the idea that if I use this stuff I'll be perfect (that's a little harder than placing a garbage bag in the trash, the idea of perfection, but that's probably a discussion for the shrink that I don't go to, no worries I'm keeping a list of things to discuss with said shrink when I'm wealthy enough to afford one, until then it's just you and me and this blog, kiddos).

This was my medicine cabinet:

Not much 'medicine' to be had in there. It was overflowing with things I purchased to change my life (only recently have I realized that you might be able to change what you look like with a $50 cream but it will never seep down deep enough to change how you feel about yourself), wow that is surprisingly deep!


I have bought 'firming lotions':

because they will make me skinny (lord knows only skinny people enjoy their lives right?) and that will make me attractive and land me a prince and an acting job.

I have purchased 'wrinkle creams' before I had an actual wrinkle:

because they will make me look eternally young (only young people have fun right?) and that will make me beautiful and land me a movie star boyfriend and a singing job.

I have purchased 'bigger lips': *Don't be alarmed, this is a lip gloss and not an actual syringe (my madness has drawn the line at actual plastic surgery)

because having bigger lips will make me...ugh, I don't even know anymore, what? it would remind people of Angelina Jolie and then see me as more attractive and then blah blah, you get the rest. Writing this makes me sad and angry. Sad that I thought/think so little of myself, that I didn't/don't think I was/am enough. Angry that I let companies and ads and society continue to fool myself into thinking that a quick fix like an extra volume extending mascara will change my life.

I know now that it won't...only I can. And I'm working on it. I usually write a blog post at the end of the year with what I think are my biggest accomplishments for that year, and I've had some incredible experiences in 2011. I'm so proud of the things and the work I've done. But I think I might be most proud of this:

letting go of things that I DO NOT NEED!!!

I'm closing the door on the idea that I need something else or someone else or a huge paycheck or an Academy Award to be enough:
I am a work in progress but I also am enough when I'm true to myself, when I'm honest with myself and with other people, when I stand up for what I believe in, when I force myself to look fear in the face and continue on anyway, when I write a blog and hit publish post, when I try something and fail, when I sing a song and I don't sound like, hell, anyone else. I am enough!! We are all enough! Let's start to actually believe and live like it.

**Let's also be clear that deep down I'm a 'girly girl' (and a product whore) and this doesn't mean I'm not gonna wear makeup or get highlights; it only means that I'm understanding that I don't NEED any of these things to feel better about myself, to know that I'm ENOUGH, or to make people like me, all of my dorky charms do that all on their own, when I let them shine like they are supposed to.

***This ain't gonna be easy...It's all great to write this when 2012 is still a blank slate that can be filled with anything you want, but the true work comes when all the champagne has been popped and I'm out there trying to be my best, most authentic self and that's when I'll be tested. I'm willing to try (and fail) and continue to share it with you (or if no reads this, myself).

I wish you (all twelve of you who read this) nothing but the best in the new year...nothing but health and happiness and joy but also the strength, sense of humor and perseverance to pick yourself up if (and let's face it when) you fall.

I truly believe 2012 will be a FABULOUS year, maybe one of the best yet (and now I will let go of the fear that I have just jinxed myself by saying that) and say...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

xoxo
-Jean Ann

Here are my 2012 Intentions:

I made cookies and no one got hurt...

I. DON'T. COOK. I accept it. I hope you can too, without judgement. That being said, I'm completely okay with you judging just how much I enjoy eating, especially really good, fattening food. And if it's good, chances are I didn't have any part of creating it. I do know how to reheat things (I make waffles in the morning in the toaster, but I have burned myself while doing it); and man, you should see me microwave a meal! I can see why people like to cook, I wish I did, but I just really like to eat so much more (my friends joke that as soon as we are done eating one meal we are already thinking about what and when our next meal will be) but this post isn't really about meals. It's about a rare sight: me making something in the kitchen...COOKIES. Yes, I baked some cookies and no fire fighters were called.

Every year, since I can remember, my mom makes Butter Cookies (except in our case they should be called Margarine Cookies, but that doesn't really have the same aural appeal). Well, I made me some Butter/Margarine Cookies today and I want to share the recipe. I know I've been a little MIA from this blog. I have written posts but I never got around to hitting the send button...I guess I'm not ready to share those, yet. So as an apology for my absence, please enjoy the recipe (sorry you'll have to make them yourself). Seriously they're like the easiest cookies to make and I'm not really a baker either. Let's begin...

INGREDIENTS:

½ lb stick margarine or butter
½ cup sugar
2 eggs
2 ½ cups of flour
chocolate chips
pinch of salt


Put margarine in bowl, then add a pinch of salt and mix it with a fork. Add the eggs, mix those. Then add sugar, mix. Lastly add the flour, a cup at a time. When it gets too hard to mix with the fork, use your hands. As you mix, you may need to add a little more flour until you get the right texture (not too hard, not too soft, the batter should come off your hands easily; well in the best case scenario it shouldn't stick to your hands).

Once it’s the right texture put the batter in a cookie press:



Press into a pan and add the chocolate chips:



Since I've made them for Christmas I use the tree and flower (like a poinsettia plant), there are many other attachments that come with the cookie press and you can use them for other occasions, but I only bake one day a year, in December:



Put in the oven at 350 degrees and bake for approximately 10 minutes (depends on your oven). Bottom should be browned a little:



Take them out of the oven (this is the hard/dangerous part for me) and then place cookies on a little tray when they are cool enough (you would think this would be self explanatory but you can never be too careful):



You can add powdered sugar when cooled, and then give some away. This is a good idea because it makes you seem generous but really it makes you makes you eat less cookies, so you'll have less weight to lose in January (you're welcome):



Holy crap, they look normal and even taste good. It's another Christmas miracle!

ENJOY!!!! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, etc. Celebrate!! Celebrate some thing each day, you're still here, you might as well enjoy it. Eat a cookie (or a handful), even if I made it!

Til next time!

xoxo

À la prochaine Paris...

Until next time!

Well, we bid Paris adieu on Monday morning and when I sat down at my computer in my hotel room in Evry (which is a tiny suburb of Paris, where we are doing one show tonight), I came across a quote. Truth be told, the quote may or may not have been on my phone in the form of a text message from a horoscope site that I may or may not subscribe to (it's free). And it may or may not have been from a few days ago and I never saw it. But whatever it may or may not be, I loved it immediately: "Just because there's a wall in front of you doesn't mean that your journey is over!"

So many times we hit a wall (physical or otherwise) and think, 'Well, that's it, I cannot possibly get past it. Might as well go right, or left, or hell, just go back'. But I believe we can push over the wall, if we really want to. Hell, why not just knock the damn thing down. It won't be easy! And it probably won't happen like a bulldozer at one fell swoop, but it can be chipped away, tiny piece by tiny piece. And maybe when you get to the other side, you'll find that it isn't even what you were looking for, but I know I'll be much happier seeing it for myself and deciding that it's not what I want, instead of wondering just what was on the other side of that stupid thing. That's just how I am.

I've hit many a wall on this journey as a performer (let's not even get into the walls I've hit in my personal life) and they've been in all different shapes and sizes. Some walls were about getting a gig, others happened when I've gotten one. I've even hit a few walls while on this amazing tour. That being said, I was just in Paris, hitting walls there hurt a little less...

Sometimes getting over or through the wall is just about staying in the moment. A few of the shows at the Pompidou were really difficult for me. Physically, I didn't feel at my best and my mind was getting the better of me ("you're getting sick", "you're not going to be able to do this", "you're gonna have to go home") but I had to try and shut that talk off and remember where I was in the moment. I needed to be with the 11 other people I was on stage with and the people in those seats. Now, I'm not superwoman, I didn't stay present in every second, but I fought and I got through it. I got over a wall.

And lets face it, there were times in my life where I hit a rough patch in my career and could've turned back. It would have been much easier than going forward, but if I did, I wouldn't be here. And it is a pretty awesome place to be right now...

I don't know a whole lot about a whole lot, but I know that I'm gonna keep hitting walls on this journey, and so are you, but I'd like to see what's on the other side. It might be pretty nice...

You bet your sweet tooth that that is my dessert! I'm assuming a detox will be in order sometime mid-October. :)

Ahhh, Geneve

FALL TOUR BLOG: Geneva I figured I'd do some small blog updates from tour (when I can), so just to preface them, these won't be very profound or soul searching (or very grammatically correct) entries, but I hope you like 'em anyway!

Well week one of the our "Neutral Hero" Fall Tour has come to an end. It's interesting getting back into the swing of things. It should feel like picking up where we left off but it somehow doesn't. There's almost a rebooting of things. And it has actually taken me about 4 days to realize that I'm on tour again and to feel comfortable in it. If you don't really know me, you won't know that I have some 'issues' with change (so it usually takes a few days in a new city to adjust). I know that it is imperative to have change, in fact it is probably the best thing for us, but I like comfort and change doesn't usually have a lot of that (until the change becomes part of us)!



Another reason I think I felt a bit out of sorts is because the group of people I usually spent the most time with last tour (we call ourselves 'The Supper Club', for obvious reasons) were staying in an apartment building about 10 minutes away. Their place was right on the river (not exactly right here but this a lovely pic of the river)...



One of my main goals for this tour was to be in the moment (which is really hard, both on stage and off) and I'm not sure I succeeded, as I felt like I was constantly looking forward to Paris while in Geneva, but each day is another day with many more moments to cherish.



All that said, it feels fantastic to be doing this show again with this groups of people. It is such a special piece, and I get more and more from it each time we perform it. I really hope we get to bring it to NY and share it with you, but right now this moment is in Paris...Oui, Oui! :)