Sunday, February 7, 2010

Here's the truth and it's UGLY.

I’ll be honest, this is not a pretty blog entry. But I decided that when I started this blog I would be honest. It’s almost like a diary that I let other people read and sometimes what I feel in my life isn’t pretty, meaning that, when you read this you're probably gonna figure out that I’m NOT perfect. But let’s face it as human beings, we aren’t always “pretty” so I’m gonna let this out and I hope that you won’t judge me too harshly.

This year started out, as most do, full of hope for all the great things to come and for the most part I still feel that way (since its only February lol) but there are times when the opposite comes to the surface and it rears its ugly head. We can call this DOUBT, sometimes we can call it JEALOUSY and sometimes it can be known as POOR ME. Now if you really know me, you know that I try hard not to get caught up in the POOR ME game. I don’t even like to play the game with others (but I always let them win). I don't think its fun. I feel like it doesn’t do any good, except make us feel worse and try to keep us there. I think we have control over our lives, so why not stop whining about it and change things. Well, that’s really easy to say, but sometimes its really hard to do. Sometimes it’s hard to be positive all the time.

Right now, I kinda feel like I’m in a waiting room or stuck in a shade of gray, like there are great things right around the corner but my car has stalled and I don’t have enough money to call a tow truck or pay the mechanic. And I’m starting to get a little pissed off about it. Not that this feeling has just come over me right at this moment, I’ve felt it before in my life. I even wrote my first play about this feeling. And here’s the ugly part, the feeling is “When is it my turn?” Believe me I completely understand that this statement is absolutely 100% self-centered, but there you have it. “When is it my turn?” When do my dreams get to come true, cause I know quite a few people who have what they want (true, I doubt their lives are perfect) but they laid out plans for their lives and are now living it. I'm v happy for them, but well, when's it my turn?

I try not to be this selfish in my every day life but the more I become aware of people living their dreams and me feeling like I’m still on the starting line, it makes me disappointed. And then to top it all off, I feel really bad that I feel this way because I know how truly blessed I am and how great my life is. Perhaps its all my Catholic guilt, but I feel guilty for feeling dissapointed or jealous. I told you it wasn't pretty, but I think its important to share the things that get us down and angry and upset.

I’m putting it out there so that we know we’re allowed to feel these things, but that’s it. We can feel them, and then we need to get them out and let them go. We cannot hold onto them. We can use them to work harder and prove that we deserve to be where we want to be but we can’t wallow in them. Tomorrow's a new day. I will wake up and try to see the day as a new start. I don’t know that I’ll get through the entire day and not feel bad about something though. I can’t promise that when I read on someone’s facebook status that they just booked a guest spot on Law & Order while I’m sitting at a desk, I won’t feel upset. And I can’t promise that when I read someone’s tweet that they just landed a fabulous agent I won’t be a tad bit jealous, but I do promise that I’m working on it. And I’ll use their successes to know that it is possible. If people I know personally are succeeding, than I can't be that far behind, can I? And maybe I don't need a mechanic. Maybe I just need a friend with some jumper cables to restart my battery. That is what you use to restart your car right?

I kinda want to eat a bagel right now! Is that weird!


1 comment:

Ashley said...

A bagel is comfort food, and you need comfort. I wish I could give you a big hug! I totally feel you, and this. I felt like I did 'everything right' to try and make it as a performer, and even after leaving that life behind, I still have feelings of 'what about me and my dreams', regardless of what they are...meanwhile, I have everything I want, so then the guilt sets in. I think you have to focus on best things about right now, rather than living in the future. People may be reading your fb status and be jealous of you!! I love you!!