Monday, May 27, 2013

Questions (part 2).

I'm an idiot (perhaps that would have been a better title for this post)! So, yeah, I am an idiot who doesn't seem to know how to take her own advice, or apparently learn from her own mistakes, I guess, until I do? My last post was all about how it doesn't matter how many people read my blogs, or listen to my music, or if they like it or not. Ideally, that it only matters that I put myself, and my work out there, and that I'm happy with what I'm doing. And then I spent the majority of the next two weeks getting really angry while comparing myself to everyone under the sun. So I took a breath, and I realized that I'm so busy looking at where everyone else is, and what they have, and whining about what I'm lacking and me, me, me, me that I'm MISSING THE POINT...I'm missing out on my life!!! Living this way has taken the love and joy out of my experiences. So how many blog posts do I need to write about the same damn thing until I make a real change? Can we say someone's a slow learner???

I've decided that I need to stop whatever I'm doing, and to start bringing the love and joy back into my life.  I've wanted to be a performer since I was a kid, because I LOVED it.  Nothing made me happier than singing, and listening to music and being on stage, but somewhere, at some point something changed. I think everyday (as I tried to turn this joy, into my career) a little joy left, until all that remained are doubts, and questions, and never feeling that my gifts are good enough.  When I record something and listen back to it, do you know what I hear?  Mistakes.  Once in a blue moon, I think "Oh that note was nice" but mostly I hear what's wrong. I think, you're not up to the same standard as so and so. You can't hit that note like what's her name. Well, that's bullshit. I'm here for a reason.  I've always believed, and still do, it's to entertain people.  All I want to do is to lift up others, but how in the hell can I do that when I cannot lift up myself?

So here's the deal.  No more. Yeah, I've said it before, but I don't see how much more I can continue traveling down the same road with the same attitude without going crazy, so I need to make this change for my own happiness. I can no longer be obsessed with every little move and decision I make.  I want to enjoy my life, because Lord knows, we don't know how long we've got.  I want to sing because I LOVE TO SING.  I want to do it and NOT judge every single note. And I don't want to do anything, if it doesn't bring me joy!! You know, it's funny, when you ask questions, sometimes you find the answers. Crazy, I know!! I started writing this blog on Wednesday night (I texted myself the opening paragraph) and then this morning on Facebook I read a post by Danielle LaPorte. She's starting her own magazine and she wrote this to her team, "We're going to grow this our way. In a way that feels good, healthy, fun. Joyful. Freedom-based".  And there it is, JOY! Why didn't I realize this before? I'm gonna do this my way, and it's going to be joyful. Why shouldn't it be?

I also went to see Sara Bareilles sing at the Highline Ballroom on Thursday night, and not only was she fucking amazing, it was the greatest thing I could have done for myself.  This was the last stop on her solo tour, called Brave.  And by solo, I mean solo (she was up there by herself with only a piano and a few guitars).  She owned that room, not only because she's insanely talented, but because she bared her soul up there and you could tell she loved every single second of it. She also was funny and self-deprecating...she fucked up, and called herself out on it, and it only made every one love her more.  She said a few of her friends told her to do this tour, and she didn't want to, it scared her, but because she was telling everyone else to be "Brave", she decided to put her money where her mouth was. So she risked and did it, and she said it was one of the best experiences of her life.   I was inspired.  I left there with more purpose than ever.  Life isn't supposed to be perfect.  You're supposed to make mistakes.  And as my teacher, the incomparable (Tony and Emmy winner) Helen Gallagher says, mistakes are the only thing you learn from.  You don't learn from success.  I'm tired of trying to do everything right; like if I don't do it this way, the right way, I'll never move forward.  I'm finally realizing that I'm going nowhere with that mentality.

Sure, I write this blog, and started it mainly, because I really do hope people like it, and get something from it.  That maybe my 'issues' might help someone else with their own.  But at this moment, I'm writing it for myself, in the hopes that I will learn from what I'm putting out there.  That when those gremlins creep into my ear, shouting doubts and filling me with fear, I will reread this and know that I cannot listen to them. To live for the love and the joy. Cause what else are we doing, if we don't?

One last thought...I really start to take notice of things, like someone is trying to tell me something, when I see things multiple times.  And I've seen this quote twice, two days in a row, on different sites, so I think it's a lesson I should learn and it feels right to share:

     "If you see your path laid out in front of you --Step one, Step two, Step three-- you only know one's not your path.  Your path is created in the moment of action.  If you can see it laid out in front of you, you can be sure it is someone else's path.  That is why you see it so clearly"
                                                                                                                 -Joseph Campbell


Anonymous said...

I need to take my own advice on what I'm about to write (because I sometimes leave auditions before singing, after I compare myself to others singing before me)...but...Luigi, the great jazz dancer/teacher...once said to us in class, "Boys and girls, don't worry about people looking at you, they're too busy looking at themselves." I think what I'm trying to say is that there's room enough for all of us to express our joy through our work and you're right, comparing ourselves doesn't do any good. Let's listen to Helen...and Luigi...they know what they're talking about!

Jean Ann Garrish said...

Thank you for sharing this! Since posting this blog (just two hours ago), I've learned from more than one person that I am not alone in this struggle. And yes, I do agree that there is room for all of us. :) Tomorrow I'm choosing to sing with joy (mistakes and all), and do me a favor, please do not leave any more auditions (unless you got a call that you booked another job)! ;) Cheers!!

TwynMawrMom said...

I read this and now I just read it again. I really love the thought that you do not learn from your successes-only your mistakes- and that is so true! It is very similar to the thought that we only regret the things we DON'T do...because it is what we miss in life that really eats away at us, whether it was a risk we didn't take, or a failure we harbor. There is no way to compare ourselves to others yet we do it constantly and immediately- social media is the worst!! And noe that I'm a parent I get sucked in on another level, too. We can only fight these demons with our minds and heart and art. You are always on the right track because you are seeking!!! Love you.

Jean Ann Garrish said...

Oh boy, I truly hope my seeking means on the right track, because I feel like I'm literally questioning everything, every minute of every day. Biggest question...will I ever find the answers? ;) Such is life on this journey, but it's so helpful to know I'm not alone. xoxo