COMPOSING MY LIFE

First blog post of 2015. Woohoo!! Break out the champagne! It only took me more than half the year to hit 'publish', but let's not dwell on my lack of consistency, nor my procrastination. Instead, let's be crazy and focus on the positive. Let's focus on what I've actually been doing when I'm not writing this blog. I finished recording an album of songs I wrote with my amazing band, Red Wine + Whiskey. A song I wrote made the Top 10 of the Davenport Songwriting Contest for musical theatre, and I was lucky enough to perform it at the Davenport Theater in NYC. I started my own production company, Roxy Strago Productions. And I produced, directed and acted in a short film that I also wrote, called "Composing Life" (I swear I'm not a control freak, really...lack of money means you need to do more)!

I'm not writing any of this for a pat on the back.  Honestly, aside from feeling exhausted when I typed the above, I don't feel any more successful than I did when I published my last post in October, 2014. Okay, that's not entirely true.  I've succeeded in one main area. And it's pretty important. I did all of those things while I was totally and utterly petrified.  I did them while I was not 100% ready. I did them while those little voices kept saying to me "Who do you think you are to do this? You're not a real musician, you think any one will like these songs? You aren't that talented.  You're not really a writer.  You're barely an actor, how the hell are you going to direct real actors? You're gonna FAIL!"

#regramed from @belcoaching

Yep, it's true, my inner critic is an Asshole, and yep, I'm pretty much afraid of everything, and yep, those voices can be pretty damn convincing, but one voice was LOUDER. And that was the one that told me that I'm here for a reason, and when I jump a net would appear.  I know those other voices are only trying to protect me, but ultimately, they're wrong.  I appreciate their intentions, but they are fucking wrong.  And so I decided that I would hear them, but I would no longer listen to them. I OWE it to myself to do everything in my power to live the life I dream of. And after years of waiting for permission that never came from the powers that be in this industry, I decided to stop waiting for it. I just started to DO! And my God, it's empowering. It's still scary, but for so long I've heard that the best things happen when you're out of your comfort zone, and for the first time I've lived it. I continue to live it. 

Our album hasn't been released yet, I didn't win that contest, my company hasn't made a dime, and we're still editing this little film of mine; I have no idea how any of this will turn out. I'm still going to do it. And for a change of pace, I'm going to think positively about it. Though I'm not foolish enough to believe things are gonna be less scary.  They'll probably be more frightening, and I'll probably start getting enough points on my rewards card at my liquor store for discounts. I just refuse to let fear hold me back.  There's a Robert H. Schuller quote that says, "What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?" Do that! I know it's not totally realistic, there's no guarantees in this life.  But do it anyway. You owe it to yourself.

Here's a little iPhone recording of one of the scenes from "Composing Life" being shot on May 30th. More to come. I'm excited (well, excited and scared).

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It's funny how these doubts keep growing.

Two weeks ago I launched an Indiegogo campaign to raise money for this passion project of mine, and just like that, I received two generous contributions.  I was thrilled!  This was going to be a piece of cake.  My friends and family would see how devoted I was to making this happen and click that pink button of support.  And strangers would see the link shared by said friends and family, discover that it's a funny yet worthwhile project, and they too would want to help.  So of course, throughout the day any time my phone 'dinged' (yes, my phone dings) with an email alert, I immediately knew it was another contribution.  And since you are all brilliant people, I'm sure it comes as no surprise to you, I was wrong...Nothing.

I tried to tell myself it doesn't matter.  Even if no one else contributes another dime, somehow I would make this film.  But little by little this was just another thing for those negative voices to grab a hold of, make me doubt myself, and then doubt some more, because to me, in that moment, the amount of contributions told the story of what everyone thought of me.  And it wasn't a very good story.  It felt like no one believed in me or my talent; that no one believed in this project; that no one cared.  I was all alone in this world.

Now if you are looking at the paragraph above from a rational, non-emotional and calm perspective you would think I should go straight to a shrink, and looking back right now, from the other side, I can see that it does seem a bit cray.  And though I cannot fully explain it, those feelings felt 100% real. When you are in that dark place of fear and doubt and insecurity, it's relatively easy to go from "Maybe my post isn't reaching everyone I'm trying to reach" to "I guess no one believes in this project" to "I'm completely alone in the world".  And so I broke down and cried my eyes out.

I also failed to mention that earlier that day I held the door for a woman who was on her phone.  She walked right into the overpriced coffee chain, that continuously spells my name incorrectly, without a thank you.  So I, loudly and passive aggressively, said "You're welcome".  She came back out and said "Thank you.  I'm sorry you need to be validated".  I really wanted to call her a few choice names, but by some strange act of God I restrained myself and just said, "No, I'm sorry that you have no manners".  Then I realized that, though she was rude, she was right.  I do need to be validated.  I do need to feel like I matter, that what I do matters, that people like me, that I count, that everyone knows I exist...I can continue, but I'll spare you.  And that's what the lack of contributions was feeding into, my lack of feeling validated.

I wish I could finish this post with an epiphany; that I found the remedy for this need of validation, because I would totally share it with you and make the time you wasted reading this worthwhile, but if you came here for all the answers, I think you now know you came to the wrong place.  I'm struggling right with you (at least I think you might struggle too, if not, please impart some of your wisdom).  Instead, here I sit, with a new recognition and a few realizations:

1. The entire world does not revolve around me and what I want.  I never thought that I thought it did, but apparently there's a small part of me that thinks it does, or it should.  I'm embarrassed to admit it, but there it is. 
2. What other people feel about me and my talent should have no affect on how I feel about myself and my talent.  But at times it can feel like that's all that matters.
3. The amount of "support" I get, or do not get, for this project does not reflect my self-worth, or the worthiness of this film.   
4. I should probably see a shrink.

I need to work on these things daily (aside from the shrink, because I cannot afford one, so I drink, I kid, but really I can't afford one), just stating them doesn't make them a reality in my life.  So the only solution I can think of is to keep going, to continue to do the work because ultimately, that's what's important.  Having doubts does not mean I will stop!  I also know I will hit more walls as I move forward; this is just the first one to climb over.  And most importantly, I still believe "If you build it, they will come", so I'm starting to build this foundation.  I choose to believe the right people will find and support this film, and I will be stronger for the journey.

Now since this film is a comedy with original music, I had an idea to write a witty song for our Indiegogo campaign and luckily I had some extremely talented friends sing along (a few just happen to be in "Composing Life" as well).  I couldn't be more grateful for their time and talents, as well as the opportunity to bring this story to life and the lessons I will continue to learn.  I hope you enjoy. And I hope you continue to climb over your own walls; they need to be climbed!

À la prochaine Paris...

Until next time!

Well, we bid Paris adieu on Monday morning and when I sat down at my computer in my hotel room in Evry (which is a tiny suburb of Paris, where we are doing one show tonight), I came across a quote. Truth be told, the quote may or may not have been on my phone in the form of a text message from a horoscope site that I may or may not subscribe to (it's free). And it may or may not have been from a few days ago and I never saw it. But whatever it may or may not be, I loved it immediately: "Just because there's a wall in front of you doesn't mean that your journey is over!"

So many times we hit a wall (physical or otherwise) and think, 'Well, that's it, I cannot possibly get past it. Might as well go right, or left, or hell, just go back'. But I believe we can push over the wall, if we really want to. Hell, why not just knock the damn thing down. It won't be easy! And it probably won't happen like a bulldozer at one fell swoop, but it can be chipped away, tiny piece by tiny piece. And maybe when you get to the other side, you'll find that it isn't even what you were looking for, but I know I'll be much happier seeing it for myself and deciding that it's not what I want, instead of wondering just what was on the other side of that stupid thing. That's just how I am.

I've hit many a wall on this journey as a performer (let's not even get into the walls I've hit in my personal life) and they've been in all different shapes and sizes. Some walls were about getting a gig, others happened when I've gotten one. I've even hit a few walls while on this amazing tour. That being said, I was just in Paris, hitting walls there hurt a little less...

Sometimes getting over or through the wall is just about staying in the moment. A few of the shows at the Pompidou were really difficult for me. Physically, I didn't feel at my best and my mind was getting the better of me ("you're getting sick", "you're not going to be able to do this", "you're gonna have to go home") but I had to try and shut that talk off and remember where I was in the moment. I needed to be with the 11 other people I was on stage with and the people in those seats. Now, I'm not superwoman, I didn't stay present in every second, but I fought and I got through it. I got over a wall.

And lets face it, there were times in my life where I hit a rough patch in my career and could've turned back. It would have been much easier than going forward, but if I did, I wouldn't be here. And it is a pretty awesome place to be right now...

I don't know a whole lot about a whole lot, but I know that I'm gonna keep hitting walls on this journey, and so are you, but I'd like to see what's on the other side. It might be pretty nice...

You bet your sweet tooth that that is my dessert! I'm assuming a detox will be in order sometime mid-October. :)

What’s in a name?

What’s in a name?

I would assume that when you are expecting a bundle of joy, you would have a bevy of names waiting. Granted I have no children, nor am I expecting to be expecting any time soon (Hey, I’m not even 100% sure I want kids. They’re a lot of work and they’re your responsibility for a lifetime, but I digress). Yet even I have a few ideas of what I would name my children, if said hypothetical children were actually to be born. However, my parents apparently did not prepare. In fact, my mom so strongly believed I was a boy that she had decided my name was to be Michael. There were no alternatives. So when, lo and behold, I turned out to be a girl, they were up the proverbial creek. I know what you’re thinking, They should have named you Michelle. Yes that would have been the logical thing to do. Well, they didn’t. Amelia, my mother, emphatically rejected that choice. It got so bad that the nurse actually said “If you want to take this baby home tomorrow you need to pick a name.” It was then, as legend has it she, my mom, not the nurse, turned to my father and said “Her name is Jean Ann. That’s it.” Perhaps she was still hopped up on pain meds because no one has any idea where in the world she got this name from. And every time I meet someone in a noisy place and repeat my name three times until I finally just agree with whatever the last thing they called me, I secretly and sarcastically, thank her.

Just last week while in a bar someone asked my name and for a second I thought, let me make this easy on everyone involved and say something simple like Marie or Liz, but my friends would have thought I was insane, so I said Jean Ann and of course he said “What?”. So I tried again, this time with more emphasis on each word, “Jean__Ann”. “Gina?” he asked. “No” I smiled, and said it again, slower now with more feeling “J-E-A-N A-N-N”. Lightbulb! “Oh! Jean Ann, like two names”! Hallelujah. And as the conversation died and I felt semi-exhausted from the effort that had been wasted, it got me thinking what exactly is in a name. How important is it really?

Let’s face it, you didn’t have a choice about it unless you legally hated it so much that you changed it, or you have an alter ego like Beyonce’s Sasha Fierce (or Roxy Strago?), but it’s something that you are stuck with forever. You also have a last name, I know you can call me Captain Obvious, but it’s what you share with the rest of your crazy family. Some people can’t wait to get rid of it as soon as possible, but for me it’s something I hold dear. I’ve always been proud to be a Garrish. And since my dad passed away in 2006 it means that much more to me. I want to celebrate my name, to make him proud, to carry it on for the family. But what happens if and when I get married?



Growing up, I, like many other little girls, held on to the romantic belief that a tall, handsome prince would sweep me off my feet and we’d live happily ever after. How could it not happen? It did for every Disney princess, as well as every female character in every romantic comedy I’ve ever seen (I think shrinks sound give money to companies that make these things, they must have send a bunch of us ladies into therapy) and hey I had a leg up, I didn’t live with seven little men and I most certainly did not have a fin. Well, a few, ahem, years later, my prince has apparently gotten lost and is without a reliable GPS system. So I continue to live and enjoy my life as a singleton. And with each year that passes I accomplish more and more. So why should I have to give that up? Okay, I know I’m getting ahead of myself because I’m thinking about something that may not even happen. Shouldn’t I wait until someone puts a ring on it before I analyze this? Maybe, but that’s just not me.

When I lost my dad there was a part of me that felt like I had lost a part of myself. He, along with my mom, was one of the few people who had always loved me unconditionally. I knew in my heart of hearts there was nothing I could do that would change how he felt about me or just how much he loved me. And believe me; I’ve heard the story of when my parents were both 40 and I unexpectedly came on the scene. He was none too happy. I’m not sure when he’s feelings changed, I’d like to think it was before my arrival, but I knew from the time I was a little girl I would always be his little girl. Then he was gone, far too soon, no cure. How could this happen? Who would now love me for exactly me?

People always want to change you. Make you into who they think you are or should be; especially in the entertainment business. And as an actress, I have come across more than a few people who have thought I didn’t have the “look”, whatever that is. I once met with a manager who pretty much hated everything about me & the way I looked. She actually was the subject of my very first post on this blog, I think she was the reason I started writing it, so I guess I should thank her? (http://roxystrago.blogspot.com/2009/06/who-is-roxy-strago-let-me-know-when-you.html). In brief, I was told that I'm not beautiful, but rather I was pleasant looking. I needed to lose weight, change my hair and makeup, be more glamorous, maybe get colored contacts, make my eyebrows thicker, my eyelashes longer. And that was not the first time someone in the industry has been critical of my appearance. One time an agent told me my teeth were too white. Um, seriously? Is that even a possibility? Apparently so! She 'might' work with me as long as I made changes.



Now I'm not telling you this to get compliments from you, I'm telling you because it's bullshit! As an actor I'm always trying to improve. Had she said I think you should take this class, it will make you a better performer. Or learn this monologue because it will stretch you, I would have considered it, but changing everything about myself just to get my foot in some door isn't ok with me. Maybe that's why I haven't found that big commitment yet, because I'm scared of someone wanting to change who I am. I'm scared of losing me, I guess (technically I also have commitment issues, but that's a subject for another blog, another day). And Lord knows there are many things I’d like to change about myself, but it should be up to me to make those changes (or not) and no one else.

A few years ago while celebrating my birthday, a friend and I got into a discussion about relationships. He pretty much told me I’m an idiot, well that was implied, and then he told me that I could find a man that would support my dreams and goals, and wouldn’t make me give anything up. I’ve never forgotten that conversation and I still wonder if he really exists, because I haven't found him yet, but if and when I do, I hope he'll be like my dad (not look like him because obviously that would be creepy and weird). But I hope he has integrity, faith, strength, a fierce loyalty, a sense of humor but most importantly, I can only hope he loves me with a quarter of the amount of unconditional love my dad had for me. And at the risk of sounding greedy, I pray he never wants to change me (or my name) because I’m Jean Ann Garrish and that’s all I ever have to be. Thank God, because it’s all I can ever be! And I’m pretty okay with that.


*my barista knows me by name and actually never asked me how to spell it...she's just a genius it seems!

Sometimes I'm not only a procrastinator but I'm LATE too!

So I'm a little tardy with this entry (like a week and a half), whoops. Its not because I didn't want to write one or I forgot about it, but it turns out when you worry about things, they have a habit of coming true...see when I started this blog I had a fear (it wasn’t a big one) but it was, what if I run out of things to say or to talk about? And last Sunday it started to come true. I’ve had this happen a few times when I went to sit down at my computer but somehow I always came up with something sort of relevant to say (well at least I hope it was relevant anyway).

And this time? Negativo, I had absolutely no idea. It reminded me of the Sex and the City episode when Carrie doesn’t have anything to write about, so she starts to compare men to socks!! And then she thinks of writing about men and french fries (yes, I've watched entirely too many episodes of that show) and needless to say, thank God my blog isn’t about men or relationships, or I think I’d have NOTHING to say...well, I’d probably have a lot to say but there’d be no way I could help myself or anyone else on that subject. Come to think of it, know any good blogs on dating? Sorry, I digress. ;)

Anyway, what should I do? An idea. Sometimes throughout the day I come up with little pieces of dialogue for a play or a monologue or whatever when I talk to myself (and I do, I totally talk to myself). And sometimes things pop in my head that I think will be a good focus for this here blog. In my search for what to write, I figured let me check my email because that’s what I do with these things, I send myself emails or texts in the hopes that someday these little nuggets will turn into gold. And I found this: “Trust & show up. Frazzled & crazy & worried. Plan. Be prepared!!” WTF?? Did I write this? Did I read it somewhere and wrote it down because it affected me in some way? Beats the hell out of me, but I like it! It sounds good (which probably means I didn’t write it lol).

And this week I'm trying to apply it (or at least trying to figure out what it means). I think its like that saying "Success is where preparation and opportunity meet”. So be prepared and show up, even though you're scared and feel out of place and trust that you are enough. Sometimes when I start a new project with other people (which I did last week) I get scared that I'm not talented enough, or smart enough, or I'm too shy, or not right for it, or (God forbid) I'll make a freakin mistake (I can go on but I won't, I'm even annoying myself) and I decided to throw caution to the wind and F*#k it. I'm throwing myself in, head first and letting things happen and in the process I think I'm not only learning about the "art" of it (whatever that means), but more importantly, I'm learning about myself. I think that's kinda the best thing we can hope for...to show up, move forward, trust in yourself no matter how you are feeling, let it go and learn. That's all I got for now.

Man, I just hope I have something to say next week! ;)

-Roxy

S#*t, that’s selfish!!!!

First, I must apologize for my absence last week. I feel I have failed myself (and you) but I’ve convinced myself that because I was performing in my play I could take a week off (truthfully I can justify just about anything because quite frankly, I didn’t have a show last Sunday, so it wasn’t like I couldn’t sit at the computer). Actually, I did sit at my computer and I wrote a little bit about how the festival was going and how we got through it and I think people liked it and then I stopped. I just didn’t feel inspired and I’d rather write something that I care about than just throw words together that are semi-grammatically correct and call it a blog post. Then I actually thought, “does it really matter if I don’t write one this week? Will anyone miss it?” And then I kinda felt like, I don’t even know if anyone reads this so who cares if I don’t post one and so I didn’t. Looking back on it, I’m disappointed with myself that I didn’t write one, because my goal when I started this was to write one weekly and now I can never go back and have that week again. Writing this now, I figured this out…I can’t write for other people. I need to write for myself and hope that it says something to someone or makes someone think, or makes them, in a very tiny way, feel inspired but I CAN’T do it for someone else. Shit, that’s selfish and soo not me, but there it is.

It dawned on me today that I do things for other people (and not like “Oh let me help you cross the street” but more like “wow, they'll finally think I'm worth something if I do this”). I do things for other people’s approval and you know what? That’s utter bullshit!! And you know when I realized it clearly? (I mean, I noticed this trait more than a few times but I didn’t realize that its not okay until I watched the movie Rudy today). Oh I can just hear a few of you chuckling, Rudy? Yes! I’ve never seen the whole thing before and it was one of my dad’s favorite movies. And I can’t honestly tell you I watched the whole thing today either, but I watched the last half hour (pretty much knowing the story of this kid who’s dream it was to play football for Notre Dame even though he was five feet tall and without a huge amount of athletic ability, but he never gave up) until he didn’t make the dress list (which I’ll be honest, I have no idea what the hell that means. My family loves football, I love the commercials at the Super Bowl, but apparently not making the dress list totally sucks). Here’s the part stolen from IMDB that blew my mind…


Fortune: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey what are you doing here don't you have practice?
Rudy: Not anymore I quit.
Fortune: Oh, well since when are you the quitting kind?
Rudy: I don't know, I just don't see the point anymore.
Fortune: So you didn't make the dress list, there are greater tragedies in the world.
Rudy: I wanted to run out of that tunnel for my dad to prove to everyone that I worked...
Fortune: PROVE WHAT?
Rudy: That I was somebody.
Fortune: Oh you are so full of crap. Your five foot nothin', a hundred and nothin' and you hung in with the best college football team in the land for two years, and you were also going to walk out of here with a degree from the University of Notre Dame in this life time you don't have to prove nothing to nobody except yourself and after what you gone through if you haven't done that by now, it ain’t gonna never happen, now go on back.
Rudy: I'm sorry I never got you to see you're first game in here.
Fortune: Hell I've seen too many games in this Stadium.
Rudy: I thought you said you never saw a game...
Fortune: I've never seen a game from the stands.
Rudy: You were a player?
Fortune: I rode the Bench for two years, thought I wasn't being played because of my color I got filled up with a lot of attitude so I quit, still not a week goes by I don't regret it, and I guarantee a week won't go by in your life you won't regret walking out letting them get the best of you. Do you hear me clear enough?


So now I’m about to cry as I watch this, because you know what, that shit is TRUE!!! Who am I doing all of this for, and I’m not talking about this blog, but who is all of this (everything I do) for? Why wasn’t I overwhelmingly proud when we did our first performance at the One-Act festival? Why didn’t I believe my friends and family when they said they liked it? Why do I never hear applause but I can’t forget the one person who doesn’t think I’m pretty enough for this business?? So, and excuse my french, what the F*#K has to happen so that we feel we have accomplished something? Do we need to win an award to feel like we are successful? Why do I need everyone’s (or at least the people I hold in high regard) to swoon over what I do, for it to mean something? And if they said that it was fantastic, would I even believe them? Shouldn’t I just feel like knowing what I did was enough?

So that is what I’m taking with me from this festival. As much as it would be amazing to hear tonight that I made the Finals, I don’t have to make them to feel like I’ve accomplished something. I wrote a play. I got to work with people I love and then I got to perform it for more people I love (and some people I didn’t even know). And then as a bonus, I got to perform it for members of the industry and that’s enough!

So, here’s the deal…I’m gonna continue to write this blog, even if no one reads it because it makes me feel good and it makes me a better writer. And I’m gonna keep writing plays and such, because I want to share things with people and I hope that others feel and think about things when they get performed. And I’m gonna keep acting and singing because deep down in my soul that’s what I feel like I was put here to do, and I’m sorry if I’m not at as good as Meryl or Barbra or Idina or anyone else I will inevitably compare myself to, because I only have to be as good as me! I will continue to try to be as good as I can be, but I can’t be someone else and I can't do it for anyone else’s approval!!

Whew, now this selfish bitch needs a glass of wine! ;)

-RoxyS

I'm Just Gonna Try to Try!!

"With everyone born human, a poet-an artist- is born, who dies young & who is survived by an adult." -Charle-Augustin Sainte-Beuve.

I started reading Julia Cameron's 'The Vein of Gold" and that quote struck me. Mostly because I totally believe it's the truth. So what happens to us as we get older? Does our creativity die? No, but sometimes it becomes buried. Maybe it's because of all the stuff we have to do or maybe it's because all of a sudden we have homework or jobs or a boyfriend or bills and responsibilities, and friends and parties, or FEAR?? I think we let fear come in as we get older. Little kids don't care about making fools of themselves, that doesn't enter their minds, they just do! And yeah, I'm kinda afraid of EVERYTHING!! I hate it, but I am. Where did I get all this fear from? I read a few months ago that what happens in the womb affects a child for the rest of his or her life, so I'm going with that. I'm totally gonna blame my mom, since she perpetually worried for nine months as I was a "surprise" when she was 40 years old (yeah, let's not talk about that lol). I also think that I'm a bit of a perfectionist. So if I can't be 100% fabulous at something (or pretty close to it) I don't want to do it. It's kinda like when I took piano for 5 or 6 years, but it was sooo frustrating for me because no matter how long I practiced I couldn't get everything that was on the page into my hands (yeah, I quit the piano. Man, I still wish I could play, I mean really play.)

The only thing that I'll do over and over without being perfect is performing. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want more than anything to be perfect at it, but I know I'm not and maybe there is no such thing as perfect when it comes to that. I guess I love it so much its okay if I'm not a 100% spot on genius at it. However, I don't put out 100% effort to my career because there are auditions I don't go to because I'm scared. You may be asking yourself, Why wouldn't she go to EVERY audition she could go on and hopefully get where she wants to be? Good question!!!! I have absolutely NO freakin' idea. I can only think of one thing and since I'm no genius, I'm sure I heard this somewhere and remembered it because it resonated with me. But here's what I think: if I don't do what I'm afraid of, I can't fail. If I don't fail, I'm golden, almost perfect. Except, I'm sure as hell not moving forward. So I'll just be the perfect stuck person. I'm starting to really not like this!!!

I've been thinking about this a lot lately actually. Especially about my writing. I wrote a first draft of a play and had a reading of it and got some really good feedback and that was last January. Sure I changed some stuff here and there but I haven't made any real progress in about a year. And why did it take me over 6 months to write a second entry to this blog? Yeah sure I'm busy, we all are, but I can't tell you how many times I've sat at my computer and wanted to write but instead I went on PerezHilton.com, or People.com, or (my personal fav) Facebook, or I checked my email, oh and wait, "I LOVE this movie, I'll watch that now, I'll write something later". Negativo on the progress. You see my blog was perfect just as it was because there was nothing on it to be criticised. My play is perfect because its not finished, hence I won't show it to anyone and no one will tell me it sucks because no one will read it. I so want to write a comedy sketch and my next cabaret but I haven't because what if I do and people don't like it? What if I suck?? So I don't do anything. I'm just stuck.

So what am I gonna do? See a shrink? I'd love to, but my insurance doesn't cover it and God knows I cannot afford to charge another cent lol. So I've decided one of my "resolutions" (the quotes are because I hate that word) but irregardless of that fact, one of my resolutions for 2010 is to be a little bit kinder to myself' and just do things, things that scare the crap out of me. Even if I fail and totally humiliate myself, I will TRY! I have no idea how good I'll be at trying, but I'm not gonna pressure myself about the trying. I'm just gonna try to try! I'm gonna try to audition more and just write, even if it sucks!! Like Nike, I'm gonna just do it, as corny as it sounds lol!! And I think you should too! I'll let you know how I'm doing! I'd love to hear from you too.

Btw, I can't tell you how many times I've read and reread this entry, because I'm still worried that it's not perfect and that people will hate it (yep, I'm totally nuts, ha)! But now I'm letting it go and pressing publish. Do what you will with it! My 'trying' starts today! And if you like any of what I wrote please follow my blog and we can 'try' together! :) Yes, I'm a corny, nerd! It's just all part of my charm!!!!

Blessings!
RoxyStrago