Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I'm Just Gonna Try to Try!!

"With everyone born human, a poet-an artist- is born, who dies young & who is survived by an adult." -Charle-Augustin Sainte-Beuve.

I started reading Julia Cameron's 'The Vein of Gold" and that quote struck me. Mostly because I totally believe it's the truth. So what happens to us as we get older? Does our creativity die? No, but sometimes it becomes buried. Maybe it's because of all the stuff we have to do or maybe it's because all of a sudden we have homework or jobs or a boyfriend or bills and responsibilities, and friends and parties, or FEAR?? I think we let fear come in as we get older. Little kids don't care about making fools of themselves, that doesn't enter their minds, they just do! And yeah, I'm kinda afraid of EVERYTHING!! I hate it, but I am. Where did I get all this fear from? I read a few months ago that what happens in the womb affects a child for the rest of his or her life, so I'm going with that. I'm totally gonna blame my mom, since she perpetually worried for nine months as I was a "surprise" when she was 40 years old (yeah, let's not talk about that lol). I also think that I'm a bit of a perfectionist. So if I can't be 100% fabulous at something (or pretty close to it) I don't want to do it. It's kinda like when I took piano for 5 or 6 years, but it was sooo frustrating for me because no matter how long I practiced I couldn't get everything that was on the page into my hands (yeah, I quit the piano. Man, I still wish I could play, I mean really play.)

The only thing that I'll do over and over without being perfect is performing. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want more than anything to be perfect at it, but I know I'm not and maybe there is no such thing as perfect when it comes to that. I guess I love it so much its okay if I'm not a 100% spot on genius at it. However, I don't put out 100% effort to my career because there are auditions I don't go to because I'm scared. You may be asking yourself, Why wouldn't she go to EVERY audition she could go on and hopefully get where she wants to be? Good question!!!! I have absolutely NO freakin' idea. I can only think of one thing and since I'm no genius, I'm sure I heard this somewhere and remembered it because it resonated with me. But here's what I think: if I don't do what I'm afraid of, I can't fail. If I don't fail, I'm golden, almost perfect. Except, I'm sure as hell not moving forward. So I'll just be the perfect stuck person. I'm starting to really not like this!!!

I've been thinking about this a lot lately actually. Especially about my writing. I wrote a first draft of a play and had a reading of it and got some really good feedback and that was last January. Sure I changed some stuff here and there but I haven't made any real progress in about a year. And why did it take me over 6 months to write a second entry to this blog? Yeah sure I'm busy, we all are, but I can't tell you how many times I've sat at my computer and wanted to write but instead I went on PerezHilton.com, or People.com, or (my personal fav) Facebook, or I checked my email, oh and wait, "I LOVE this movie, I'll watch that now, I'll write something later". Negativo on the progress. You see my blog was perfect just as it was because there was nothing on it to be criticised. My play is perfect because its not finished, hence I won't show it to anyone and no one will tell me it sucks because no one will read it. I so want to write a comedy sketch and my next cabaret but I haven't because what if I do and people don't like it? What if I suck?? So I don't do anything. I'm just stuck.

So what am I gonna do? See a shrink? I'd love to, but my insurance doesn't cover it and God knows I cannot afford to charge another cent lol. So I've decided one of my "resolutions" (the quotes are because I hate that word) but irregardless of that fact, one of my resolutions for 2010 is to be a little bit kinder to myself' and just do things, things that scare the crap out of me. Even if I fail and totally humiliate myself, I will TRY! I have no idea how good I'll be at trying, but I'm not gonna pressure myself about the trying. I'm just gonna try to try! I'm gonna try to audition more and just write, even if it sucks!! Like Nike, I'm gonna just do it, as corny as it sounds lol!! And I think you should too! I'll let you know how I'm doing! I'd love to hear from you too.

Btw, I can't tell you how many times I've read and reread this entry, because I'm still worried that it's not perfect and that people will hate it (yep, I'm totally nuts, ha)! But now I'm letting it go and pressing publish. Do what you will with it! My 'trying' starts today! And if you like any of what I wrote please follow my blog and we can 'try' together! :) Yes, I'm a corny, nerd! It's just all part of my charm!!!!



Kelley Lynn said...

Great blog. I think you need to change your definition of what FAILING means. In the example you gave of the auditions you dont go on because you cant "fail" if you dont go, I completely disagree. I think that NOT GOING, not trying, is, in itself, the failure. If you go and you do horribly, or they hate you, or they choose someone else, that is NOT a failure. It is a success, because you learned something, you took something away from it, and you gained more experience. By sitting home, you gain nothing at all. Except more regret. So start redefining your definitionof what failure IS, and I think thatll help. And by the way, there IS no such thing as perfection. At least not in my mind. If there was, can you imagine how incredibly boring that would be? Everyone being perfect and the same? GAG. You are you,and thats amazing!

Ashley said...

I don't understand this phrase: "not 100% fabulous..." because, you are 100% fabulous already at everything. ;) I must say that every time I hear a Michelle Branch song I think of you singing in that club and how on FIRE you were. It is in you, and you should show it as often as possible. I'm definitely getting more stage fright as I get older, but there is that moment when your body leaps before your brain...2010 should be about that moment!! I'll try with you!!! :)