Sunday, April 4, 2010

I'm a LIAR!!

I’m a LIAR!!!! I’ll explain in a bit, but its true!

What a crazy week! It started off not too good (grammar?) when Sunday night I waited by my computer refreshing my mail, oh, every few seconds to see if my play made the finals (by the way, I promised myself I wouldn’t do this and there I was doing it) until around 12:30am Monday morning rolled around when I found out we didn’t make them. Sigh. So yeah I thought I’d be completely be fine with this news and boy was I completely WRONG!! I started to cry (I know, I know...DRAMA). But see not making the finals made me feel like a loser, because if I can't even advance in this festival, how can I get something really big to happen in my career? And then the big moment hit (a moment I’ve had a few times before), I wondered if it was time to pack it all in. That’s when the waterworks really kicked in because the thought of giving up or losing my dreams was almost unbearable.

Now here is why I call myself a liar, because if you read last weeks blog post I stated (yes, I’m actually going to quote myself here), I stated: “As much as it would be amazing to hear tonight that I made the Finals, I don’t have to make them to feel like I’ve accomplished something…that’s enough!” Wow, it appears I’m full of crap. So after I cried & cried & cried some more, I finally stopped & said to myself, "f#*k it". Because I realized just how much I still want this!! So now is the time to get it together & work your ass off like never before. So that is what I promised myself I would do.

I won’t lie to you again, Monday SUCKED!!! I sulked like a little baby. I was a complete brat!! And Tuesday rolled around and I decided the time was now. So I called to set up two seminars with two different agents. I went to my singing class so I could do what I love probably almost more than anything which is to sing (cause that’s what you do in a singing class, in case you didn’t know)! Then I headed to the Network to pick out sides for the upcoming seminars and then I did probably my second favorite thing in the world to do: SHOP!! Got two cute dresses at H&M and I didn’t use my credit card, yay!

Wednesday night I checked my “professional” email and saw that I got an email from a casting director for a commercial the next day but here it was like 9:30pm and I didn’t know the time or what I needed to do and it was so last minute and I’ll have to take off from work. What should I do? (yes, this is actually what goes through my head). I emailed him back for info…didn’t find out until 8:00am when I woke up, that the audition is at 11:30 and I need to wear a sexy dress. Oh dear God. Now comes the real true me (and its very difficult for me to admit that this is what runs through my mind, but I promised that this blog would be as honest as it could be so I’ll admit it to you). I started writing him an email that I couldn’t make it. You may be asking yourself, what the hell is wrong with this girl. That’s a freaking excellent question and if you know the answer, please email me pronto!!! I was thinking all kinds of crazy thoughts. What should I wear? Do I want to wear a sexy dress? I'm not sexy! What time will I get back to work? What do I have to do there? What if I’m horrible and he never calls me in again? What if this is an April Fools joke?(no kidding, that thought ran through my head as well as a few more that I won't mention). So before I hit send, I took a shower and remembered the promise I made to myself. So I picked out a dress, got my headshot, I deleted the email that I wrote before, I got on that train and tried to do the best impression of sexy I could muster (well, not on the train but you know). And while I was there I couldn’t believe I actually thought about not going. What an idiot!!!! I’d love to tell you that I got a call back, but being that the call backs are tomorrow and this being pretty late Sunday night and since I didn’t hear from them yet I think it’s a safe bet that I didn’t get one, but that’s okay. It’s okay because I pushed myself. Maybe "normal" people don’t have these thoughts going through their heads and the palpable fear in their stomachs, but this "nut" does. So when I push through that fear, I feel like I’ve accomplished something.

On the way back to the train, I got an email from an old director/writer friend who cast me in the first professional play I ever did in NY after I graduated college. He needed my number. I later got a call from him asking if I would be in his workshop for the new play he’s writing. It’s a 3-4 week workshop and I will be paid (I'm sorry, what did you say?? Money? Yes, money…clearly I don’t do this just for the money, but man when you get real money on top of it, its AMAZING!). So I immediately said yes. Crazy thoughts came into my head again, but I won’t bore you with them as I refuse to entertain them. I’m learning that when you (well, me) open yourself (well, myself) up to new experiences and push through your (well, my) fears, good things start to happen. It’s a lesson well learned. And its one that I hope I continue to learn! God knows my fears aren’t going anywhere, but I will not let them have the power to control me anymore!

The time is now people. Make things happen!! Because you (well, I guess me too) ROCK!

-The R Stragster


Elliott said...

You Rock Homegirl!!

Ashley said...

I'm just catching up on your blog, and I feel you! I think that my stage fright and self-criticism has gotten worse as I get older, and aren't we supposed to get MORE confident as we get older? We are the same people, so why not bang it out like we used to? Glad you went to the audition. Go girl! Keep it up!