Sunday, May 2, 2010

Wow, I sound like a spoiled brat! Is that wrong?

When I started to write this blog my intention was to write about my journey as a performer and the trials and triumphs that come along with that. But I realized that I can't only focus on performing because my life is not only about my career (although sometimes it feels like it). So from time to time, I think I will focus a bit on my personal life and how it gets affected because of the career path I have chosen. A friend of mine recently had a baby and she is thrilled beyond belief, and I’m not gonna lie, there were a few times I felt my uterus tug...and then I snapped back into my reality.

See I’m at a point in my life where many other people have gotten married and are having kids. They have done the things you're “supposed to do” at my age (and they love it). In fact, many of my closest friends are either having babies, getting married or actively searching for a husband (don’t get me started on that one, lol), while I am searching for my next acting job. I’m not at that place now, and there is a tiny part of me that feels like I might be missing out. When I was sixteen and I thought about what my life would be like at this age now, I can honestly tell you, it was a hell of a lot different than the life I’m living. Is that a bad thing?

Recently, it has come to my attention that I SHOULD be doing these things now: getting married and having kids, making my own family. But should we do things because we SHOULD?!! Or should we figure out what and when is right for us? Should I feel bad that my life is not what society says it should be at this point?? Should I feel like a loser, or less of a woman if my goal at the moment is my career, instead of finding a husband? Do I want all those things, the husband and the family? Yes…I think so. But they aren't in my cards now and I don't want them at the expense of my other dreams. I know everyone makes compromises, but there are some things that I just won’t give up on. Why can't I have it all?!! Why can't I make all my dreams come true??! Wow, I sound like a spoiled brat! Is that wrong?

I know people are starting to think there must be something wrong with me. Especially with comments like “when are you getting married?” or “Hey, you really should get on that”. Or my personal favorite, “Oh, you’re still doing that? (meaning acting). Well, good for you”. And I know from their tone, that this isn’t a compliment. I’m also not sitting here and complaining about my life, because I chose it!! The reason I am where I am is because I made it happen; and if I’m not happy with it or want something else it’s up to me to make that happen. A fairy godmother is not going to come down and wave her magical wand (no matter how much I would freaking love that), so it’s up to me to make my life the way I want it to be. I’m on my way…S-L-O-W-L-Y!

And I guess in 10 yrs if I still haven’t found Mr. Right (hell, if I haven’t found Mr. I can live with long enough to get married), and my uterus is still tugging and I'm financially stable enough, I can try to adopt because everyone needs love and a home. But here’s thing, I don't know where I'll be in 10 yrs. None of us to do. We all have our "plan", but sometimes life has other plans. The only thing we have is a path & its our own (and I will not apologize or be judged for mine). I will just have to trust that my path will bring me my happiness. I’ll end on this quote from an email I just read (its about the search for your soulmate, but I think it can apply to all dreams), “Most who are looking for mates that they haven't quite found yet, are so interested in getting to where they're going, that they're missing the fun of going there.” Hmmm, somehow after all these years, I’ve yet to accept that life isn’t a result, it’s a journey.

This is mine! I hope you're loving yours!

-R. Strago

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