Thursday, December 29, 2011

This might be my most vulnerable blog post (and the one I'm most proud of)

I've been cleaning things out this past week and it started in my bathroom. I have accumulated a lot of stuff in my life and due to purchasing these mostly useless things, I have found myself in debt. I have spend countless amounts on clothes and makeup and creams and potions all to make myself seem appealing to other people (and I guess in turn to make myself appealing to, well, me).

Maybe somebody liked me because of the outfit I was wearing or the bag I had, but I'm guessing probably not (and if they did, most likely they aren't still in my life). So it's time to get rid of that crap. I don't know what made me do it, but I just decided to throw everything out in my bathroom that I don't use anymore (or, in some cases, have never used). Get rid of it, get rid of it all. And then get rid of the idea that if I use this stuff I'll be perfect (that's a little harder than placing a garbage bag in the trash, the idea of perfection, but that's probably a discussion for the shrink that I don't go to, no worries I'm keeping a list of things to discuss with said shrink when I'm wealthy enough to afford one, until then it's just you and me and this blog, kiddos).

This was my medicine cabinet:

Not much 'medicine' to be had in there. It was overflowing with things I purchased to change my life (only recently have I realized that you might be able to change what you look like with a $50 cream but it will never seep down deep enough to change how you feel about yourself), wow that is surprisingly deep!

I have bought 'firming lotions':

because they will make me skinny (lord knows only skinny people enjoy their lives right?) and that will make me attractive and land me a prince and an acting job.

I have purchased 'wrinkle creams' before I had an actual wrinkle:

because they will make me look eternally young (only young people have fun right?) and that will make me beautiful and land me a movie star boyfriend and a singing job.

I have purchased 'bigger lips': *Don't be alarmed, this is a lip gloss and not an actual syringe (my madness has drawn the line at actual plastic surgery)

because having bigger lips will make me...ugh, I don't even know anymore, what? it would remind people of Angelina Jolie and then see me as more attractive and then blah blah, you get the rest. Writing this makes me sad and angry. Sad that I thought/think so little of myself, that I didn't/don't think I was/am enough. Angry that I let companies and ads and society continue to fool myself into thinking that a quick fix like an extra volume extending mascara will change my life.

I know now that it won't...only I can. And I'm working on it. I usually write a blog post at the end of the year with what I think are my biggest accomplishments for that year, and I've had some incredible experiences in 2011. I'm so proud of the things and the work I've done. But I think I might be most proud of this:

letting go of things that I DO NOT NEED!!!

I'm closing the door on the idea that I need something else or someone else or a huge paycheck or an Academy Award to be enough:
I am a work in progress but I also am enough when I'm true to myself, when I'm honest with myself and with other people, when I stand up for what I believe in, when I force myself to look fear in the face and continue on anyway, when I write a blog and hit publish post, when I try something and fail, when I sing a song and I don't sound like, hell, anyone else. I am enough!! We are all enough! Let's start to actually believe and live like it.

**Let's also be clear that deep down I'm a 'girly girl' (and a product whore) and this doesn't mean I'm not gonna wear makeup or get highlights; it only means that I'm understanding that I don't NEED any of these things to feel better about myself, to know that I'm ENOUGH, or to make people like me, all of my dorky charms do that all on their own, when I let them shine like they are supposed to.

***This ain't gonna be easy...It's all great to write this when 2012 is still a blank slate that can be filled with anything you want, but the true work comes when all the champagne has been popped and I'm out there trying to be my best, most authentic self and that's when I'll be tested. I'm willing to try (and fail) and continue to share it with you (or if no reads this, myself).

I wish you (all twelve of you who read this) nothing but the best in the new year...nothing but health and happiness and joy but also the strength, sense of humor and perseverance to pick yourself up if (and let's face it when) you fall.

I truly believe 2012 will be a FABULOUS year, maybe one of the best yet (and now I will let go of the fear that I have just jinxed myself by saying that) and say...


-Jean Ann

Here are my 2012 Intentions:


RG said...

Love it JAG. you qre so beautiful!

Andrew's Mom said...

Great piece - I am a lot like you - if I just have this "item" I will be complete, perfect - fill in the blank. Here's to a great 2012. Lots of love to you. (Jenny)

Roxy Strago said...

Thank you!! :)