The Hero's Journey

A few years ago I had the incredible opportunity to perform in NYC Player's "Neutral Hero". Unbeknownst to me, the story was inspired by Joseph Campell's The Hero's Journey.  And no, I didn't play the hero, but I did play Karen Elliot, the Goddess (yes, I still laugh about it myself).  I never gave much thought to the hero's journey before I joined the cast, and I haven't thought about it much since, because well, I'm no hero. I've never saved a life or healed the sick, I'm just a girl from Long Island, who wants to entertain people through stories and music, and who would like to one day pay off her credit card debt, but that's another story for another day.  And honestly, I wasn't planning on writing this post, but the feelings I've been dealing with recently have dictated to me that I needed to talk about what I've just figured out.

Working on this film, trying to raise money for it, and writing this blog has given me the keys to open up my very own Pandora's box of fears.  You name it, I've experienced it in the past two weeks. Some fears are normal, like not raising enough money to make this project, to feeling like the work isn't good enough.  I say they're normal because I've experienced that type fear before. But other fears are just completely irrational.  It seems like one little negative thought leads to another one that's a little bit bigger, and before you know it I'm catching Ebola, being falsely imprisoned, and/or dying alone. It's been a rough week.

My fears had become so overwhelming that I began to feel physically ill, so when I saw Elizabeth Gilbert was on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday, I sat my ass down on my couch and watched that sucker immediately OnDemand.  I was transformed in an hour.  See it was there, I was reminded of The Hero's journey but in a more personal way.  A very abbreviated explanation of the journey is the 'hero' answers the call not without self doubt, struggles on the path, then reaches a point of no return which leads to a battle, where Gilbert says that "every single one of those obstacles prepared you for the battle, then you lose your fear and then you become the hero".  Me. And you, if we answer the call.

See I answered my call.  And it is a very different one from most people I know. No one else in my family, or friends for that matter, has received a similar call as I, and if they have then the have rejected it. They all went to school, got jobs with that degree, got married, had kids, because that is their call; but that's not mine. Sometimes when people see you making a different choice then the one they are accustomed to, they assume you must be unhappy.  But no worries, they're here to help!! They have all the advice in the world and know just how to fix you.  And even though I didn't know I needed to be fixed,  I began to doubt myself, and my call.  What if they're right?  Maybe I should  just forget this crazy dream of mine (it's really hard anyway), find a good paying job with health insurance (I too have a degree), get a man, a marriage license, and pop out a few kids (Lord knows that would make my mother very happy).  But honestly, I'm not unhappy without those things.  Yes, there are a few things I'd like to change about my current situation, but I'm happy on my journey.  Nothing makes me feel more alive and grateful than writing and performing, and nothing makes me feel more trapped then having to do something that takes me away from that.  This is the life I want to live.  And then, like a light bulb, I realized that I was feeling all this anxiety because I'd let the opinions of others affect my own.

Sure it's not without struggles or trials (this indiegogo campaign of mine is just the tip of the iceberg) but they are just obstacles on my path.  And I welcome them.  I don't enjoy them, but if they are prepping me for what's to come, I welcome them.  So now, I have officially chosen to become the Hero of my own story!  If I'm not, who will be?  That's what my film is about...characters who have received and accepted their call, no matter how difficult, no matter who doesn't understand, no matter who tells them "No", because I don't believe you will be truly happy unless you follow your own call. As Paulo Coelho author of The Alchemist says, our only obligation is to find our "personal legend" (or purpose), honor it and fulfill it.  And at the risk of sounding like a Hallmark card or an advertisement for OWN TV,  I hope I can continue to be brave enough to continue my journey.  I may not be a hero in terms of a summer blockbuster, but I see now that I am the hero of my life.  I can only hope you're the hero of yours.  You deserve that!  Hell, he world needs it!

Asking for help SUCKS!

Asking for help is hard.  I'm not used to doing it and I don't like it.  As adults, and I think I'm supposed to be one of those, shouldn't we be self-sufficient?  Aren't we supposed to look like we're got it all together, even if we are raging messes inside?  Won't it look like we're weak if we ask for help?  It's funny though, whenever someone asks me for help, I never once look at it as a weakness, but somehow it's different for myself. It feels embarrassing for me to need assistance.  It's a blaring reminder that I am not perfect, I do not have it all together and I'm not sure I ever will.  It's also an incredibly vulnerable thing to do, to put yourself out there and say to the world, "Oh hey, excuse me everybody who seems to have their act together, I sorta cannot do this on my own, so can you maybe throw me a rope.  Only if it's not too much trouble"!

But I see now that it's essential.  I'm in that ask place right now, as I'm asking for help to bring this film to life.  I don't have an off-shore bank account or wads of cash in my mattress, nor do I have wealthy parents or a sugar daddy (and I'm totally ok with that).  So I started an indiegogo campaign and am asking for support. When I thought about doing it originally I had no qualms about it.  Many of my friends had done their own and I supported them.  It's not a big deal.  But when I put my campaign up, all of a sudden I felt not so great about it. It kinda felt dirty to me.  Who am I to ask my friends and family for money for something that I want to do.  Who do I think I am??  I would imagine people seeing my posts about my campaign and them saying to themselves "You want to make a film, good for you, go make it yourself".  Now as a disclaimer, no one has ever said that to me, but whenever I post something on FB or send an email about raising money, that is what I imagine people are thinking.

When I was doing research on budgets for film and raising money, I send an email to a friend who had just completed their own short film and I was asking about financing.  This person (who is an excellent human being, super smart and talented) said to me that they couldn't bring themselves to ask their friends to pay for their short .  Since there will be no return on it, it didn't feel right to them.  But they were making no judgement on anyone who went that route.  Part of me felt sick because I too agreed with them (partially anyway), but I also realized that without help this film would stay where it had been for a long time, on my computer and in my mind.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, and a call for help.

It still bothers me when I write an email to a friend and ask them to check out my campaign and to consider supporting it.  Then when I get an email notification, instead of thinking I have a new contribution I just assume it's a nasty email saying "Please never contact me again about your stupid film, I have my own things to deal with".  I have yet to receive an email like that.

But you know what I have received?  Encouragement. And from surprising sources.  I have been so supremely touched by the generosity of people, some of which I barely know, but who have contributed and then sent messages like "I know what it's like to purse your dreams, and how tough it is at the beginning...I'm rooting for you."  How amazing is that?  Every time I get an notification that someone has contributed, I'm filled with so much gratitude I want to cry.  To feel any kind of support is absolutely amazing.  People do want to help you.  But you need to be brave and ask for it.  Have I reached my goal? No. Will I?  Probably not, but that's okay.  I'm not stopping.

I came upon an article in TIME Magazine (no, I'm not that intellectual, I saw it on Facebook) and in it, Ricky Gervais said this about hard work "I believe that if you didn't have to work for something, it can’t truly be considered success. Luck doesn't count. I think success is allowed a certain pride and you can’t be proud of luck or even of being born smart, artistic, or talented. It’s what you do with it that counts."  This thing is not going to come easily to me and that's okay.  For a little while I was thinking that if it doesn't happen quickly or easily it's not meant to be, but that my friends, is complete bullshit.  There are lessons in this journey, there are things I need to experience for me to grow and there are moments to be met, so I can get to the next moment.  I can't skip any steps.  And so I will work harder on this than anything else, so that when I have my first screening, I will know I have succeeded, but not without the help of some friends.  And for that I'll be forever grateful.  This is a journey that is opening me up, it's teaching me to be vulnerable, to ask for help and to trust that good intentions, hard work, dedication and a pure love will be rewarded in kind.     

It's funny how these doubts keep growing.

Two weeks ago I launched an Indiegogo campaign to raise money for this passion project of mine, and just like that, I received two generous contributions.  I was thrilled!  This was going to be a piece of cake.  My friends and family would see how devoted I was to making this happen and click that pink button of support.  And strangers would see the link shared by said friends and family, discover that it's a funny yet worthwhile project, and they too would want to help.  So of course, throughout the day any time my phone 'dinged' (yes, my phone dings) with an email alert, I immediately knew it was another contribution.  And since you are all brilliant people, I'm sure it comes as no surprise to you, I was wrong...Nothing.

I tried to tell myself it doesn't matter.  Even if no one else contributes another dime, somehow I would make this film.  But little by little this was just another thing for those negative voices to grab a hold of, make me doubt myself, and then doubt some more, because to me, in that moment, the amount of contributions told the story of what everyone thought of me.  And it wasn't a very good story.  It felt like no one believed in me or my talent; that no one believed in this project; that no one cared.  I was all alone in this world.

Now if you are looking at the paragraph above from a rational, non-emotional and calm perspective you would think I should go straight to a shrink, and looking back right now, from the other side, I can see that it does seem a bit cray.  And though I cannot fully explain it, those feelings felt 100% real. When you are in that dark place of fear and doubt and insecurity, it's relatively easy to go from "Maybe my post isn't reaching everyone I'm trying to reach" to "I guess no one believes in this project" to "I'm completely alone in the world".  And so I broke down and cried my eyes out.

I also failed to mention that earlier that day I held the door for a woman who was on her phone.  She walked right into the overpriced coffee chain, that continuously spells my name incorrectly, without a thank you.  So I, loudly and passive aggressively, said "You're welcome".  She came back out and said "Thank you.  I'm sorry you need to be validated".  I really wanted to call her a few choice names, but by some strange act of God I restrained myself and just said, "No, I'm sorry that you have no manners".  Then I realized that, though she was rude, she was right.  I do need to be validated.  I do need to feel like I matter, that what I do matters, that people like me, that I count, that everyone knows I exist...I can continue, but I'll spare you.  And that's what the lack of contributions was feeding into, my lack of feeling validated.

I wish I could finish this post with an epiphany; that I found the remedy for this need of validation, because I would totally share it with you and make the time you wasted reading this worthwhile, but if you came here for all the answers, I think you now know you came to the wrong place.  I'm struggling right with you (at least I think you might struggle too, if not, please impart some of your wisdom).  Instead, here I sit, with a new recognition and a few realizations:

1. The entire world does not revolve around me and what I want.  I never thought that I thought it did, but apparently there's a small part of me that thinks it does, or it should.  I'm embarrassed to admit it, but there it is. 
2. What other people feel about me and my talent should have no affect on how I feel about myself and my talent.  But at times it can feel like that's all that matters.
3. The amount of "support" I get, or do not get, for this project does not reflect my self-worth, or the worthiness of this film.   
4. I should probably see a shrink.

I need to work on these things daily (aside from the shrink, because I cannot afford one, so I drink, I kid, but really I can't afford one), just stating them doesn't make them a reality in my life.  So the only solution I can think of is to keep going, to continue to do the work because ultimately, that's what's important.  Having doubts does not mean I will stop!  I also know I will hit more walls as I move forward; this is just the first one to climb over.  And most importantly, I still believe "If you build it, they will come", so I'm starting to build this foundation.  I choose to believe the right people will find and support this film, and I will be stronger for the journey.

Now since this film is a comedy with original music, I had an idea to write a witty song for our Indiegogo campaign and luckily I had some extremely talented friends sing along (a few just happen to be in "Composing Life" as well).  I couldn't be more grateful for their time and talents, as well as the opportunity to bring this story to life and the lessons I will continue to learn.  I hope you enjoy. And I hope you continue to climb over your own walls; they need to be climbed!

I'm tired of waiting.

Did you miss me?  Did you wonder where I'd gone?  Do you remember reading this blog at all?  If so, I apologize for my blogging absence.  If not, well, let's just pretend that you did and you do because, although it has been over a year since my last post, I'm back.  I honestly feel quite guilty for not posting for so long, but I did have my reasons.  One of which was feeling that these posts had become more narcissistic than I had liked.  I also hated feeling the need to have people "like" my posts and I couldn't stop comparing myself to other bloggers when their posts were shared all over social media but I was lucky to have 18 people read mine (and I know that I am lucky).  These feelings seemed to cheapen what I was trying to do and yet I couldn't figure out how to separate what I wanted to say from my insecurities about how many people were reading it and how they were responding to what I was saying.  I also felt like a hypocrite, trying to put myself out there in order to "inspire" others, but I couldn't inspire myself out of paper bag.  I needed a time out.  And so I focused on my work.

I've been 'working' on a passion project for years.  And by 'working' I mean thinking about it.  These characters have been living in my head for over five years and remained there until two years ago when I finally wrote a television pilot, but I know no one in the tv industry.  So I sat on it, and sat on it some more.  Then in February I had an epiphany, I figured, I'll do a web series.  I'll write a prequel to the story, so the world would meet these characters and fall in love with them, but a few months into that process I realized that that was not the right platform for me or this story.  So I went back to what seems like my roots and wrote a short film.  See, I majored in film production in college, but after graduation I focused on performing and never used that very expensive piece of paper, otherwise know as my diploma.  And then like all good procrastinators, I sat on it again because I needed to make it PERFECT before I moved forward!! Ha, when will I learn?!

Since I've started on this journey I've been trying to figure out why I'm so afraid to move, and I think it's because if I do this and people hate it, if they hate my work, then they must think I'm not good. And if people think I'm not good, well, then, they must be right, right?  So then everything I've ever thought about myself, my life and my dreams will be wrong.  Yes, rationally I know I wear some brightly colored tight fitting CRAZY PANTS!!  Because that's insane.  My self worth does not depend on something that I create, and it most definitely does not depend on what others think of it.  But tell that to the vampires in my head at 1:00 in the morning.

So now, I'm tired!!  I'm tired of waiting for something to happen. I'm tired of thinking positively, and reading inspirational quotes and sharing them, and then waiting some more. It's not about waiting, it's about doing.  Looking back on my life so far, I've realized I've been waiting to be picked...picked for a team, picked for a dance, picked for a solo, a date, a role, a career, a life even.  And I'm tired of it.  I can no longer allow myself to wait for someone to "pick" me, so I am picking myself.  I'm not going to wait for approval or permission.  I'm no longer waiting for the perfect time because I think we all know that no such time exists.

And I may very well fail, but I will do so on my own terms.  And by fail I mean, people may hate my film, or worse they may feel nothing at all.  It may not get into a single festival, nor be the stepping stone like I hope it will be.  Hell, it may not even be seen!!  But regardless of the what the outcome turns out to be, I know it will propel me forward, personally and creatively, and that's far better than sitting on my couch waiting for something.  I'm going to make a movie:

Going forward, I hope to write a new post every week focusing on bringing this passion project of mine to life, dealing with the difficulties that will arise, facing the fears and irrationalities, and the journey of moving past my comfort zone.  Please join me, because it's so much more fun when you feel completely uncomfortable with a friend!  Let's do this!
#Ballsout #Shortfilm #Composinglife

"If you build it, they will come"...

Remember that movie "Field of Dreams"?  Yeah, it's a baseball flick (and when I first saw it as a kid, I was a huge baseball fan), but man, it's so much more than that, and it's one of my favorites (if you haven't seen it, stop here, watch it, come back, we'll discuss.  No worries we'll wait.  Well, at least this post will still be here when you return).  Anyway, this guy, Ray, is on this journey he doesn't understand, but he can't stop. He's faced with the possibility of losing his farm, but he has to keep going. Everyone thinks he's crazy.  But still he continues.  More and more, I'm beginning to see that I'm just like him. I'm Ray.

Times are hard...for everyone, a lot of the time, I know that.  I'm not the only one that struggles. Even the super successful, seemingly perfect, I have it all people, have bad times.  Unfortunately, it seems like the past few weeks have been a little bit harder for me.  The times are a'changing and new issues have popped up.  Anxiety creeps in slowly and self-doubt enters quietly until both break down the door of your sanity and self-esteem, replacing them with fear and self-doubt.  They sleep peacefully right next to you, while you lie awake for hours worrying and trying to make it all right (Is that too poetic? Guess someone's been trying to write too many lyrics lately).  And I get it, I'm in a business with absolutely NO GUARANTEES!!  I also can leave at any second, and choose a more safe and secure life; and just for the record, sympathy is the one thing I am not after.  So I choose to hide the craziness from most people, and only let those that understand it, in.  But since I know I'm one of many that struggle, I share it all here, with you.

Lately, I've been so worried about my future, and money (or lack there of), and how much longer I can go on like this, and thinking "how the fuck is this all gonna play out?" (pardon my French, but sometimes the good old F-word is needed). Sometimes I wish I could see the future, and then I take a breath, I'm grateful that that gift was not bestowed upon me. But then I get angry.  Why did I choose this life? Better yet, why did it choose me? Why was this overwhelming desire to perform and create, given to me (and I do believe it was given to me)?  And if this is supposed to be my destiny, why is it so unbelievably tough sometimes?  Can you tell that I think a lot, far too much maybe?  But it's the only way I know to try, and make some sense of things I don't have answers to, or understand.

After many mornings (or really late nights) of thinking and thinking, this is what I came up with.  I don't for one second regret the dreams that were given to me, no matter how many struggles or how many obstacles cross my path.  This is because I know it's all pushing me along the road to my destination.  I could have denied the dream, my gifts, who I am, and chosen a different path, one that would have given me far more money and much less stress (as well as, less rejection, less fear, less heartache), but that was not the desire that was put into my heart.  And since I don't have that crystal ball with all the answers, the one that will that tell me 100% that these struggles will be worth it in the end, I just have to BELIEVE it!

So when the s*#t hits the fan (one profanity in a blog post is enough, at least for the time being), I now ask myself, why?  Why is this happening?  What can I possibly learn from this? And what am I doing, or not doing, that is causing the extra struggle.  To me, these things are happening because it's leading me somewhere else. Even if I don't understand it, and even if I hate it at the time...I believe I feel the pain, the disappointment, the anxiety, so I can take action and move forward.   I refuse to let it hold me back, but rather to propel me forward.

I have a few friends and family members who tell me (paraphrasing of course), "you should go back to school and be a teacher", "you should work here or there"," you should do this or that"; and I get it.  I understand it's all out of love, because they are scared for me (some times I'm scared for me too) but what they don't get is the desire I have in my heart, down to my bones, for telling stories, in whatever capacity that takes form, or flight.  The desire I have to entertain and to communicate, all in the hopes that one day I can help someone get through their day, just as countless other performers and writers, have helped me get through mine.  I do get it, but I can't go there.  I just keep going. Because just like "Field of Dreams" and that iconic quote I titled this post, I do believe that if I continue on this journey, one day it will all be worth it. And if I continue to do the work, one day the people who need it, will see it, and hopefully feel it.  If I build it, they will come.

I am Ray.  I think we all are Ray, but sometimes we let Timothy Busfield (Ray's brother-in-law, who thinks he's completely off his rocker, and wants him to stop this crazy pursuit), we let him win the battle.  Let's just make sure we don't let him win the war.  And here's hoping no one needs to choke on a hot dog for us to believe in our dreams (really, go watch the movie, and don't even get me started on the "ease his pain" part, I lose it every time).   Just go build that sucker, someone out there is waiting for it!

Questions (part 2).

I'm an idiot (perhaps that would have been a better title for this post)! So, yeah, I am an idiot who doesn't seem to know how to take her own advice, or apparently learn from her own mistakes, I guess, until I do? My last post was all about how it doesn't matter how many people read my blogs, or listen to my music, or if they like it or not. Ideally, that it only matters that I put myself, and my work out there, and that I'm happy with what I'm doing. And then I spent the majority of the next two weeks getting really angry while comparing myself to everyone under the sun. So I took a breath, and I realized that I'm so busy looking at where everyone else is, and what they have, and whining about what I'm lacking and me, me, me, me that I'm MISSING THE POINT...I'm missing out on my life!!! Living this way has taken the love and joy out of my experiences. So how many blog posts do I need to write about the same damn thing until I make a real change? Can we say someone's a slow learner???

I've decided that I need to stop whatever I'm doing, and to start bringing the love and joy back into my life.  I've wanted to be a performer since I was a kid, because I LOVED it.  Nothing made me happier than singing, and listening to music and being on stage, but somewhere, at some point something changed. I think everyday (as I tried to turn this joy, into my career) a little joy left, until all that remained are doubts, and questions, and never feeling that my gifts are good enough.  When I record something and listen back to it, do you know what I hear?  Mistakes.  Once in a blue moon, I think "Oh that note was nice" but mostly I hear what's wrong. I think, you're not up to the same standard as so and so. You can't hit that note like what's her name. Well, that's bullshit. I'm here for a reason.  I've always believed, and still do, it's to entertain people.  All I want to do is to lift up others, but how in the hell can I do that when I cannot lift up myself?

So here's the deal.  No more. Yeah, I've said it before, but I don't see how much more I can continue traveling down the same road with the same attitude without going crazy, so I need to make this change for my own happiness. I can no longer be obsessed with every little move and decision I make.  I want to enjoy my life, because Lord knows, we don't know how long we've got.  I want to sing because I LOVE TO SING.  I want to do it and NOT judge every single note. And I don't want to do anything, if it doesn't bring me joy!! You know, it's funny, when you ask questions, sometimes you find the answers. Crazy, I know!! I started writing this blog on Wednesday night (I texted myself the opening paragraph) and then this morning on Facebook I read a post by Danielle LaPorte. She's starting her own magazine and she wrote this to her team, "We're going to grow this our way. In a way that feels good, healthy, fun. Joyful. Freedom-based".  And there it is, JOY! Why didn't I realize this before? I'm gonna do this my way, and it's going to be joyful. Why shouldn't it be?

I also went to see Sara Bareilles sing at the Highline Ballroom on Thursday night, and not only was she fucking amazing, it was the greatest thing I could have done for myself.  This was the last stop on her solo tour, called Brave.  And by solo, I mean solo (she was up there by herself with only a piano and a few guitars).  She owned that room, not only because she's insanely talented, but because she bared her soul up there and you could tell she loved every single second of it. She also was funny and self-deprecating...she fucked up, and called herself out on it, and it only made every one love her more.  She said a few of her friends told her to do this tour, and she didn't want to, it scared her, but because she was telling everyone else to be "Brave", she decided to put her money where her mouth was. So she risked and did it, and she said it was one of the best experiences of her life.   I was inspired.  I left there with more purpose than ever.  Life isn't supposed to be perfect.  You're supposed to make mistakes.  And as my teacher, the incomparable (Tony and Emmy winner) Helen Gallagher says, mistakes are the only thing you learn from.  You don't learn from success.  I'm tired of trying to do everything right; like if I don't do it this way, the right way, I'll never move forward.  I'm finally realizing that I'm going nowhere with that mentality.

Sure, I write this blog, and started it mainly, because I really do hope people like it, and get something from it.  That maybe my 'issues' might help someone else with their own.  But at this moment, I'm writing it for myself, in the hopes that I will learn from what I'm putting out there.  That when those gremlins creep into my ear, shouting doubts and filling me with fear, I will reread this and know that I cannot listen to them. To live for the love and the joy. Cause what else are we doing, if we don't?

One last thought...I really start to take notice of things, like someone is trying to tell me something, when I see things multiple times.  And I've seen this quote twice, two days in a row, on different sites, so I think it's a lesson I should learn and it feels right to share:

     "If you see your path laid out in front of you --Step one, Step two, Step three-- you only know one thing...it's not your path.  Your path is created in the moment of action.  If you can see it laid out in front of you, you can be sure it is someone else's path.  That is why you see it so clearly"

                                                                                                                 -Joseph Campbell

Questions...

So I made this promise to myself that I'd publish a new post every other week and I started to have a bit of a panic when I headed into the second week and I had no idea what to write about. That's not entirely true, I had a few 'ideas', none of which seemed to be organic but rather just something to say. I could have rambled on about the audition I went on last week but I don't know that I have anything inspirational to say about it. Well, I showed up, that's good, right?

It wasn't until I was meditating on Wednesday night (Yes, I meditate. I think I do, anyway. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure if what I do is meditating. If so, I'm probably doing it wrong. And no, that doesn't give me any anxiety at all during the one thing that is supposed to clear my mind and calm me down. And yes, my sarcasm seems to still be in tact). Anyway, during this "meditation" a thought popped in to my head (isn't a thought a so called "no, no" in meditation?); so this thought was about my goal, writing and recording these songs, and then immediately, this string of overwhelmingly negative thoughts flooded in. They sounded something like this, "Go ahead and do it, but no one will care, because the things you put out into the world do not get noticed in the ways other people's do. You do not affect people in the way you hope to. You will be disappointed yet again".

I tried to stop these thoughts, but did you ever try to NOT think about something? Let's try it now, do not think about orange...yep, all you can do is think about oranges, or the color orange, or an oompa loompa, right? And if you successfully did not think of orange, I want to know your secret. So I started to let those thoughts go, and they were replaced by many questions. Why am I doing this? Really, what is my motivation for all of this? This blog? This music? This career? What am I doing it for? Am I doing it so that I can look on my blog's main page and see how many hits I've gotten (don't think I don't do it, because I do, and readership has declined last post), or how many people listen to my clips on SoundCloud (yep, check that too), or what about how many comments I get on my statuses? Do we just do things now for a like on Facebook? Does it validate who we are if we have a few more 'friends' than our neighbor? Will I still be happy with myself if those thoughts come true and what I put out into the world, though it may make me feel proud, and productive, and of some service to the world, go unnoticed? Will I truly be okay with that? And if not, what am I doing it for? I told you, questions have come up, and I'm now struggling to find those answers.

Sure I think it's human to want to be accepted and liked. We want to matter. We want to be heard. But does it make you less of a gift if some one hates on your YouTube clip? And on that note, what's worse: a negative comment, or being completely ignored? I've dealt with both and I don't know. I'm trying to not hold onto the outcomes. I hope that what I share finds the people that might benefit from it, and I think I need to accept that it's okay if it's only a handful of people. I need to let go of thinking that my work is less important if only a hundred people hear it. Do I hope that thousands or hey, might as well dream big here, millions of people stumble upon my work one day and enjoy it, heck even love it? Of course. But if that is not the case, I hope I can look inside and know that I am the same worthwhile person I was before. And I will not let the fear of disappointment get the best of me. I may create something that people dislike, or have no opinion about, or completely ignore, but I will have done what I dreamt of doing. Maybe that's why I do it, because I have to.

In the end, I believe there's a plan. And when you follow your passions and dreams wholeheartedly, they'll lead you to your best life (maybe that's singing in front of 13,000 people, or maybe it's 13, you just won't know until you go out and sing). And if we're happy with who we are, with what we are contributing to the world, and the life we are living, we might just be okay.